Rounds Week 4: On Donald’s Wall, Democracy in Gambia, MMM, Apostle Suleiman, and more.

Rounds

Terdoo: Good morning good people. Sirkastiq: And thank you for tuning in. Terdoo: Happy belated birthday bro. Sirkastiq: Thank you. Thank you. Much fun. Very bless. Terdoo: We would ask you to send nudes, but we just introduced ourselves yesterday so… Sirkastiq: Send westi instead. Terdoo: You gon drop that account number in the comments,…

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Terdoo: Good morning good people.

Sirkastiq: And thank you for tuning in.

Terdoo: Happy belated birthday bro.

Sirkastiq: Thank you. Thank you. Much fun. Very bless.

Terdoo: We would ask you to send nudes, but we just introduced ourselves yesterday so…

Sirkastiq: Send westi instead.

Terdoo: You gon drop that account number in the comments, won’t you?

Sirkastiq: Damn right.

Terdoo: Dear Roundabouts, Oprah is pregnant.

Sirkastiq: I’m sorry Ms Jackson…

Terdoo: If you were shocked when you heard Janet was expecting, Oprah is here to tell you ain’t no shock bih.

Sirkastiq: That woman is 61 with an embryo.

Terdoo: You see when you have money, the laws of nature and science will bend for you.

Sirkastiq: And she shall have a son, and she shall name him “Harpo“.

Terdoo: And everyone at home and abroad shall cringe when they realize that that’s “Oprah” spelled backwards.

Sirkastiq: And he shall be rich.

Terdoo: Smh, What a way to start today’s episode.

Sirkastiq: With slander? It’s perfect as far as I’m concerned.

Terdoo: I’m sure we have better things to tell the people than who is going to be the youngest billionaire in the world by October 2017.

Sirkastiq: Me?

Terdoo: Don’t you…uhm, think it’s a little too late for that?

Sirkastiq: I believe in miracles.

Terdoo: Believe in these headlines please.

***

The Headlines

Democracy Rules!

Adama Returns to Gambia

#JammehOut #BarrowIn

 

The Gospel

According to Apostle Suleiman

Church(?)

 

The Wall of Donald

Status: Executive Orders Signed.

*blows trump-et*

 

MMMohmygod!

The Tale of a Ponzi Scheme

Out Jan 14th.

Delayed delivery is expected

 

 

Ratted Out

What happens when you steal…

…from the Chinese.

 

***

***

Adama Returns

Terdoo: We’re pretty sure you’ve heard about it in the news, yeah.

Sirkastiq: But for those of you who love us enough to NOT listen to news (We love you btw)…

Terdoo: Because you know we will bring you the gist that’s important.

Sirkastiq: Because we… you know…read the news so you don’t have to…

Terdoo: Well, here’s one that happened this week.

Sirkastiq: After Jammeh left Gambia…

Terdoo: Thanks to a deal that allowed him leave with his life and all his assets intact after we sent like fitty thousand troops to go bully his ass.

Sirkastiq: Barrow came back home for the swearing-in ceremony.

Terdoo: And all everyone wanted to talk about was he was gonna transform he country.

Sirkastiq: *hits buzzard* Wrong!

Terdoo: What?

Sirkastiq: All everyone wanted to talk about was how his two wives look alike. I mean…

Terdoo: (LOL WUT??)

Sirkastiq: LMAO! Oh look, this African leader has two wives. How shocking.

"Y'all killing me"

“Y’all killing me”

Terdoo: And so it came to pass in the second year of our King, and the third quarter of the recession that Adama Barrow became the President of the Republic of Gambia.

Sirkastiq: Notice how it isn’t the Islamic Republic of Gambia anymore.

Terdoo: Yep. Barrow has already changed the name of his country.

Sirkastiq: Bet you he walked into the state house like…

simba

Terdoo: Actually, they’ve begged him not to stay in the state house. Cos you never know where Jammeh has hidden some mines under the carpet.

Sirkastiq: Big score for Democracy in Africa, really. Cos things could have turned ugly pretty quick there.

Terdoo: I was legit scared for a minute. Especially with them spreading rumours that Barrow had been assassinated.

Sirkastiq: Jammeh doesn’t get any credit in all of this because he wanted to pour sand sand in our garri Ijebu.

Terdoo: And all the people say: “God forbid”.

Sirkastiq: Instead of you to take the Jonathan route so your people can give you peace ambassador when you step down and you can go and live with your wife and enjoy the money you have embezzled under medical bills.

Terdoo: That’s…pretty specific.

Sirkastiq: Would have saved him the embarrassment.

Terdoo: Word.

Sirkastiq: Meanwhile, now that I think of it, the military response of this present Nigerian government has been pretty quick so far, don’t you think?

Terdoo: LOL! Right. Apostle Suleiman would know about that.

Sirkastiq: Speaking of…

 

***

APOSTLE OR A POOR STOOL?

Terdoo: What type piece of shit title is that?

Sirkastiq: LMAOOO…Well, it rhymed.

Terdoo: No it didn’t. You have got to do better this year.

Sirkastiq: I’ll try. I’m not making any promises though.

Terdoo: Brethren, settle down for the word of the lord.

Sirkastiq: Our sermon today is taken from the book of Lessons; Lessons chapter 1 and verse 87 – 89.

Terdoo: Please stand for the reading of the word.

Sirkastiq: Nigga, you just told them to settle down.

Terdoo: Well, is it their pulpit? I ask them to do as I’m led.

Sirkastiq: Here begins the reading: “And you must take heed, when men with receding hairlines and large congregations begin to incite you to violence. You must give yourself sense and ask yourself the question of reflection “who sent me?”

Terdoo: Verse 88 “For it is your enemy, the devil that is looking for who to kill and destroy. I did not send you message to kill anyone, except you’re killing beats.”

Sirkastiq: 89 “if such men incite you to kill, tell such men to lead from the front, ask them who dem epp?”

Terdoo: He that hath an ear, let him ear.

Sirkastiq: So Holyfield, then, right?

Terdoo: WOW!

Sirkastiq: You guys must have seen the video of that Suleimanic Apostle telling his church members to kill herdsmen and stuff cos apparently, they’re killing Christians.

Terdoo: Shit was wild fam. Like I triedddddd to get his point but homeboy was missing all the throws blud.

Sirkastiq: No one says Christians should sit like chicken and wait for slaughter, heck everyone has a right to defend themselves but to go out and kill?

Terdoo: As per Terminator?

Sirkastiq: Even Paul could not kill anymore as soon as he changed handle.

Terdoo: I formerly known as @saul shall now be addressed as @paul…old things have passed away (most especially the people I killed duh).

Sirkastiq: Seems like security operatives paid the pastor a visit.

Terdoo: Buhari sprinkled some DSS on that shit real quick.

Sirkastiq: And then he released another video talmabout if he spends one day in custody, his members worldwide will react.

Terdoo: What happened to WWJD?

Sirkastiq: With all due respect sir, SHUT THE FOKOP! I’m so pissed, like who does he think he is?

Terdoo: Fammm, these men must think themselves gods. I mean, I know we are (sorta), but someone needs to tell him Jesus still collected koboko.

Sirkastiq: Who made him above the law? Jesus, Peter, Paul, Silas, Mel Gibson and even Kanye West have at different times being taken into custody. I didn’t see them threaten to fuck shit up.

Terdoo: He thinks it’s by shouting “fayayayayaya!”

Sirkastiq: You people better let your bible be your guide. Don’t follow these men.

Terdoo: He that hath an ear, let him what?

Sirkastiq: Let him ear.

***

Terdoo: Elsewhere, in this Nigeria, they’ve told your VP to stepdown.

Sirkastiq: After saying your president has secretly died in London.

Terdoo: HAHAHA…but of course they sent us a picture of him watching ChannelsTV news so yeah, he def alive.

Sirkastiq: We hear OBJ declined the offer to place a call to him like he did with Yardy back then.

Terdoo: Just in case it was OBJ’s call that actually then triggered the death.

Sirkastiq: PAHAHAHA. Last week, it was Buhari telling those pastors to step down…

Terdoo: This week, some governors asking Osinbajo to step down…

Sirkastiq: Our world is transforming before our eyes.

Terdoo: LOL!

Sirkastiq: As expected, the presidency in a statement issued by the Special Adviser to the President on Political Matter, said the news was a fabrication and should be discarded.

Terdoo: He said,

“I have read many ridiculous stories saying the Vice President, Prof. Yemi Osinbajo is being held hostage by some governors who are trying to compel him to resign.

“I have equally received several calls regarding this. The story is simply not true. It is a fabrication. Don’t be a purveyor of fake news.

Sirkastiq: Every time I see “fake news”, I think Trump.

Terdoo: That’s the power of the use of media fam.

Sirkastiq: Speaking of Trump, how would you rate his first week in office?

Terdoo: Bruh, I’m still trying to wade through all the memes of Melania

Sirkastiq: I know right? And then the debate about crowd size…

Terdoo: Trevor Noah did compare it to a dick measuring debate

Sirkastiq: Yeah, and we all know Obama had the biggest crowd.

Terdoo: Uhun…packed fuller than a stuffed sharwarma.

Sirkastiq: Uhun.

Terdoo: Stuffed, from wall to wall.

Sirkastiq: Uhm…speaking of walls…

 

***

Donny’s Wall

Terdoo: Donald Trump came into office and decided he was going to autograph everything.

Sirkastiq: He’s signing everything he can lay his hands on.

Terdoo: I bet his signature is scribbled on that his office desk.

Sirkastiq: People, the Donald is really gonna build that wall.

Terdoo: This is not a drill. Probably…

Sirkastiq: LOL, Literally the minute he sat in Obama’s former seat, *shudders* he started signing bills like a CBN governor.

Terdoo: The wall isn’t a new concept though. It’s been tossed around republican dinner tables since 2006.

Sirkastiq: Nobody ACTUALLY built a fucking wall.

Terdoo: Until Donny came along.

Sirkastiq: Although everyone has told him it’s a bad idea…

 

Terdoo: The Berlin Mayor even gave a speech on it.

Sirkastiq: The mexicans aren’t hearing it, that’s for sure.

Terdoo: And yet…

Sirkastiq: …Donny still wants to build this damn wall.

Terdoo: Although they said he shouldn’t talk about it publicly…

Sirkastiq: He decided “pshh. Fine. Let’s talk about it privately”

Terdoo: Smh.

Sirkastiq: He’s like…a really smart person, isn’t he?

Terdoo: Are you being sarcastic?

Sirkastiq: Take a wild guess.

Terdoo: LOL!

Sirkastiq: Former VP had this to say, publicly.

Terdoo: Look at these grown men Twitter fighting though.

Sirkastiq: Ha! Twitter has been lit lately. ‘Litter’ than usual. Knowing that the US President uses this as a tool to vent will definitely not hurt their ratings.

Terdoo: You know Jack is excited as shit to have such a trigger happy president use his platform for this purpose.

Sirkastiq: Blame fake news.

@Jack sprinkling some new features for Donny to use

@Jack sprinkling some new features for Donny to use

Terdoo: Yo, even Mark Zuckerberg had some shit to say.

Sirkastiq: There’s an ironic joke in there about the CEO of Facebook talking about not building walls on his Facebook well…wall but we’re better men than that so were just gonna let it slide.

Terdoo: The founder of Wall Street had this to say…

screen-shot-2017-01-29-at-9-45-27-am

Sirkastiq: Wall Street? Someone should lock you up and melt the key.

Terdoo: Wait. Didn’t he (Mark) build a wall around his estate sometime last year?

Sirkastiq: Smh, just…let it go.

Terdoo: It’s gonna cost the US between $15bn and $25bn to build fence oh..

Sirkastiq: It’s also hilarious how he wants Mexico to chip in a lil sumn sumn.

Terdoo: When the governor’s mother is La Madrina?

Sirkastiq: Ko jo oh.

Terdoo: We’ll keep you guys posted as the story unfurls.

Sirkastiq: Hey, I have a funny joke for you.

Terdoo: I’m listening.

Sirkastiq: What’s the female version of smurf?

Terdoo: Smurfette?

Sirkastiq: Good. What’s the female version of trump?

Terdoo: …

Sirkastiq:

Don't blow it.

Go on…blow it.

Terdoo: Moving on please.

***

MMMMOHMYGOD…

Sirkastiq: That’s how January 14th came and passed

Terdoo: MMM succeeded in getting all their convert’s hopes up by coming back a day earlier than promised

Sirkastiq: What you however didn’t know was why they did that.

Terdoo: We have the exclusive, in-house scoop.

Sirkastiq: According to our exclusive in-house scooper, the re-launch was a mistake.

Terdoo: As a matter of fact, one of the top guys at MMM wanted to login to make some quick request for help but he forgot to login via incognito mode.

Sirkastiq: And that was how someone else logged in, and before one could say “PONZI!!” it was all over the web that MMM was back

Terdoo: Fast forward 2 weeks after, with no one paid yet…

Sirkastiq: Please if you have received any payment from MMM since the ‘unfreeze’ let us know in the comment section.

Terdoo: So yes, fast forward 2 weeks after, and reports say MMM has seemingly packed up in Nigeria.

Sirkastiq: Chuddy Ugorji; the alleged brain behind MMM Nigeria has left the country for the Philippines.

Terdoo: Because you people cannot come and kill him, it appears.

Sirkastiq: MMM had asked its people to ‘provide help’ first before they can access their trapped funds.

Terdoo: Now in case you still don’t know how this scam works, here’s how:

Sirkastiq: RULE: You can’t get your money till you provide help.

Terdoo: This applies to everybody, right?

Sirkastiq: WRONG!

Terdoo: If everyone can’t access money or request help, WHO ARE YOU PROVIDING HELP TO?

Sirkastiq: We’ll let you think on that.

Terdoo: In the meantime, we want to hear from you guys that have money ‘invested’ in MMM, how are you feeling gangan?

 

***

RATTED OUT

r1

Terdoo: I think it was George Orwell that said “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others”

Sirkastiq: Well, seems like he turned out right after all.

Terdoo: The picture on your screen is not that of our dear Stuart Little, matter of fact, as at the time of this press report, we could not get its name

Sirkastiq: So we christened it Ben

Terdoo: We did? Why Ben? Why not…I dunno, Jerry? What happened to your childhood?

Sirkastiq: Well, Ben jumped out at me first is why.

Terdoo: Smh, alright Senator.

Sirkastiq: So in China, where most of this weird type shit seems to come from, Ben was caught ‘stealing’ rice at a convenience store and the staff decided to disgrace it after it was caught.

Terdoo: Because they needed it to feel the full wrath of its actions

Sirkastiq: The guy who put up this story on Weibo said the rat was caught at a shop in Zhuhai city, owned by his friend.

Terdoo: In the first picture, a note written by the staff of the store was attached to the rat. It read: ‘Huh, is this the best you could do? Even if you beat me to death, I would not admit that the rice at your home had been stolen by me.’

Sirkastiq: Ben so bad ass

Terdoo: Clearly not giving a rat’s ass

Now, a second picture was then attached to Ben which read: ‘I dare not do it again!’

r2

Terdoo: See this, this is why you can’t let any of your loved ones eat Chinese food.

Sirkastiq: Never know what mammal these guys put in the stir fry.

Terdoo: I mean that’s stock they’re putting the rat next to, right?

Sirkastiq: Right.

Terdoo: *sigh* Issalover Jackie. No more Majesty’s for me.

Sirkastiq: Smh. Seek help please.

Terdoo: You’re probably wondering what happened to Ben after the torture sessions

Sirkastiq: We can confirm that Ben refused to snitch on his cartel, swearing an oath to take their secret location to the grave

Terdoo: We cannot categorically tell you if Ben lived to tell the tail

Sirkastiq: You mean ‘tale’

Terdoo: Shey you know when we start our TV/Podcast, people won’t be able to read this shit and will have to grab the puns quickly

Sirkastiq: So you’re preparing them for that yeah?

Terdoo: Oh yeah. Definitely.

 

***

Morals

Sirkastiq: Congratulations. You made it to the end of another Rounds post.

Terdoo: But you know we won’t sign out before we summarize today’s nuggets for you.

Sirkastiq: First revelation of the day was the fact that the new Gambian president has one wife, then another wife.

MKO Abiola: Cute.

Terdoo: LOL! In lieu of recent events sir, would you switch places with Barrow?

MKO Abiola: And have only two wives?

Sirkastiq: No further questions sir.

Terdoo: Next we learnt to read our New Testament on the Bible app, instead of on Twitter. Because what these Vlogging Apostles are preaching is their own gospel.

Sirkastiq: He that hath ear…

Terdoo: Next we learnt that Donny is a really really smart guy.

Source: Time.com

Source: Time.com

Sirkastiq: Your president, White America.

Terdoo: And then we learnt a valuable lesson in investment.

Sirkastiq: If all your life savings are in MMM…

Terdoo: Hmmm…

Sirkastiq: And the ‘H” stands for “Haha! Your money’s gone to”

Terdoo: Pray, brethren.

Sirkastiq: Last but not least we learnt that if you steal from the Chinese.

Terdoo: You become Chinese.

Sirkastiq: And we’re not talking friendly immigration laws. Lol.

Terdoo: With that we come to the end of today’s episode.

Sirkastiq: But before we go, we’re really considering delivering rounds in other forms of media besides text.

Terdoo: Let’s even ask; Dear Roundabouts, how do you want your Rounds in 2017? Do you think you’re ready for podcasts or YouTube videos or should we stick to the script?

Sirkastiq: Hahaha…I see what you did there.

Terdoo: Let us know in the comments.

Sirkastiq: Yo, we better see you same time next week. ‘Tune’ in.

Terdoo: Till then, we wish you peace, love, and laughter.

Sirkastiq: Later people.

 

***

Culled from:

  • Weibo
  • Pulse.ng
  • Telegraph.co.uk
  • huffingtonpost.com
  • Time.com

Responses

  1. Wetty Fap
    I, Wetty Fap, first of his name, a devoted Roundabout, weekly reader of Rounds from 1434 AH till date, chooses to stick with the script. Selah
  2. Wetty Fap
    Sirkastiq: Even Paul could not kill anymore as soon as he changed handle.
    Terdoo: I formerly known as shall now be addressed as @paul…old things have passed away (most especially the people I killed duh).

    at this point I got sold 😂😂😂

  3. CandidHassey
    You guys are crazy. I’m at the airport and i laughed out lot so many times that I’m sure people think I’m crazy. You guys get better everyday.
    Ehm, why watch news when I have this?

    I love reading rounds though. So script it is for me.

  4. CandidHassey
    You guys are crazy. I’m at the airport and i laughed out loud so many times that I’m sure people think I’m crazy. You guys get better everyday.
    Ehm, why watch news when I have this?

    I love reading rounds though. So script it is for me.

  5. Sagachristos
    Lol it was that book of Lessons that killed me the most. Nice job as always guys. As for alternative forms of Rounds, I’ll also go with sticking to text but you could then make YouTube videos with monthly summaries.
  6. Oma
    Fantastic as usual. Written please, don’t fix what isn’t broken. Monthly summaries wouldn’t be a bad idea sha, as Sagachristos suggested.

    Or you could do 1 video monthly (e.g. 1st Sunday or something, but for that week alone) and leave others in the written for.

  7. Larz
    It is easier to read texts on the go, I can see podcasts following the same route. I think video might take longer to load on the phone and ppl might lost interest. Your target audience tends to be phone users instead of youtubers, it seems but you guys prbly have more stats than I do.
  8. Feyishayo
    I absolutely love rounds & the lessons part just killed me. Good job guys & my vote is for Script. Whatever you do,we still need our text version
  9. Princewill
    I still need too learn to come home 1st before I read rounds. I don’t know whether to say good job or beg you to review the time you post rounds to maybe after church. This is 2017, I can’t be making the “Apostle” think it was his sermon that was so lit to the extent of cracking me up. I mean he is a man of God, quit making me deceitful.

    Nice one though…

  10. Baruu Sneh
    “We can confirm that Ben refused to snitch on his cartel, swearing an oath to take their secret location to the grave”…

    Hahaha…😀😂😀😂😀😂😀

    Una too much!

    Posted from TNC Mobile

  11. Aggie
    In the meantime, we want to hear from you guys that have money ‘invested’ in MMM, how are you feeling gangan?
    I hope there response to you guys isn’t in form of nightmares to show you exactly how they feel.
    YouTube video isn’t a bad idea as long as you guys continue to stick to the script
  12. Jazzy
    Mehn…I’d hate to see the text version of rounds go anywhere but life’s nothing without change so whatever changes y’all planning in those crazy cranials, try Em out piecemeal and still keep the proven formula going.
    …cos you know sometimes it’s by fayayayayayaya hahahahaha
  13. Orteri
    As always Rounds be making sense since..How do I want my Rounds??? Haha guys, today is Sunday o! Lol
    Please guys just stick to the script. You could do a few podcasts though, alternatively.
  14. Sir Farouk
    I like my rounds after a cool bottle or two of stout, with some lube and preferably protection…Lol. I think podcast would be cool. On the MMM question, lol. People should move on, its gone its gone. Don’t fall next time.
  15. Topaz
    There is something about reading this on text…and imagining the guys’ facial expressions and gestures….there’s a power to reading and customizing each reading experience….
    I say stick to the script.

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