Rounds Week 40: On Buhari’s Speech, Bubu and Jojo, The Vegas Shooting, Molested Sex Dolls, and more.

Rounds

Terdoo and Sirkastiq bring their usual dose of ridiculousness this week. Watch out for the huge announcement at the end.

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Good morning people!!

Welcome to yet another episode of your favorite thing on the Internet!

Brag and clean up bruh.

It’s been quite the eventful week, you know!

It started off with some scary ass shit for everyone who had a nephew or a cousin in Vegas.

LOL! Or for everyone who found themselves there.

But let’s not even start with the bad news. There’s enough of that to go around.

But there’s also plenty of good news unno!

Also, bad news is relative.

We have a special announcement to make at the end of the show. So stay tuned, there will be an unveiling.

Oh? What is it??

Aww man! Who let the crazy out?

Smh. Tula, come get yo mans..

Let them run free.

Typical Tools. Always enabling the nutcases.

Isn’t that how we got here?

Right. Now that we’re here, let us begin. Shall we?

 

 

***

The Headlines

Buhari spoke? Kachikwu wrote?

The story of a president..

And his speech.

 

Patience Is a Virtue

She’s also a former first lady.

Who’s been sorely missed.

 

Las Vegas…

When a terrorist is a white male

With gun laws on his side

 

Sex Robot Molested At Electronics Festival, Creators Say

Can’t have good things, apparently

Men are still scum

 

***

Buhari spoke? Kachikwu wrote?

Who did he speak to please?

And from where?

Valid questions.

I mean, it’s similar to Stevie wonder-ing how he’s seeing.

If he allovasudden starts seeing.

So pardon our ignorance, but we gon’ need proof.

I sent you an article na.

Wait. Ugh. Why are you speaking?

This is what happens when you put afang on the floor and the ants gather.

Bro, no one puts afang on the floor. You just formed that saying right?

You don’t know my life please.

We were trying to tell you guys that the President did give a speech on Independence Day.

A speech that 80 million Nigerians didn’t listen to.

That’s the population of people under the age of 24 by the way…

WOW!

I know right? That’s ripe babes yeah?

I was referring to the stat being mind blowing.

Same thing bro. Babes blow minds…and body parts, ifyouknowwatamean.

For those who could listen to (and understand) the speech, HINT:  Oby Ezekwesili, the feedback was the President should have given a leadership speech rather than the “divisive and uninspiring” one he gave.

You’re not happy the man even opened his mouth to talk.

You’re not happy he was even visiting our country at the time.

You people are so ungrateful.

Ezekwesili, said via twitter:

 

“Those who LIE to Mr President that he is doing well in BUILDING a NATION are UNFAIR to him. The President should take INDEPENDENT FEEDBACK;

 

YASSSSSS!

Preach B!

Homie got the personality of a PHCN pole.

Wow! That bad?

Don’t quote me.

In similar fashion, well, not exactly similar, but remember when writing letters was fashionable?

Yup. OBJ introduced that shit.

Alongside facebook and GSM. Hashtag never forget.

The Minister of State for Petroleum Resources, Ibe Kachikwu, has been crying.

Not real tears, but yeah, nigga been distressed.

This is because a confidential internal memo written to the President was leaked.

Buhari leaked that shit.

Yup. Nigga couldn’t be arsed to read, so he squeezed it all up and threw it in the bin.

You know who found it? Yup. Lai Mohammed.

Spot on. Liarmon then released that shit to the press because he needs some reason to stand before the cameras.

Don’t quote us.

We know where you live.

In the letter, the minister accused the present GMD of the NNPC, Mr. Baru of effecting changes at the NNPC without recourse to NNPC board or the ministry.

Isn’t this Nigeria again?

I tire o! as if they give notice before sack.

Kachikwu is just a spoilt SOB still feeling entitled.

The minister said he suffered “disrespectful and humiliating conducts” from Mr. Baru.

LMAOOOOO. E never start.

 

***

Patience Is a Virtue

She’s also a very disgruntled former first lady..

Yo, remember back when Goodluck made the most important call in history?

That time when he called Diezani to break up with her cos Patty was screaming “There is God oh!” all over the inter webs?

No. That one comes in second place.

Wait. That actually happened?

Who turned her mic on damn!!?

Of course it happened! And we have the inside scoop. But that’s not why we’re here today. Remember when he called to congratulate Sai Baba and step aside to let democracy rule?

Smh. Good times, when we still had hope and faith in our president.

Most peaceful handover in Nigeria’s history.

He even got an Ambassadorial role for it.

Everyone praised him. Including Baba.

But you see, all that chumminess has gone out the window.

When a man has nearly seen the other side, he changes.

Bubu is no longer smiling with Lucky Jo, apparently.

This is evident from all the statements that have been made recently by both their spokespersons..

“The oil sector boomed under [Jonathan’s] tenure, with oil prices as high as $120 and peace in the Niger Delta. Nigeria earned unprecedented dollar revenues. Sadly, that is where the story turns sour,”  “There is nothing to show for the revenues earned; no major capital project was completed, neither power generation, road development, rail nor agriculture benefited from the windfall earnings.”

– said Buhari’s spokesman Garba Shehu in a statement in August.

Jonathan’s spokesperson…

And wife..LOL!

…also spoke out against the Buhari Administration in this war of words, condemning the president’s actions.

But she wasn’t talking about the economy, no. She was complaining about being probed.

LOL! They should have used lube. It’s not fair.

The first lady and former wife of Jonathan spoke out..

Wait. Bruh. Former wife?

Ugh. I mean Former first lady and wife…

Don’t worry, we’ll edit it before we post. Carry on…

Patty accused the Buhari administration of overseeing an “unjustified witch hunt” against her and her husband that she said was being led by Nigeria’s anti-corruption agency, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC).

That was accusation number one.

Patty also accused the EFCC’s acting head, Ibrahim Magu, of “plotting to destroy her and her husband” and appealed to President Buhari to step in.

The only thing Baba is stepping in is a private jet to his London hospital bed. You already know…

The EFCC has been probing..

LOL!

Behave! The EFCC has been probing Patience Jonathan on…

Word? Does Goodluck know about this??

LMAO! What is wrong with you please? Can I finish?

That’s what EFCC said.

LMAOOOO! UGh. Please change this guy. Can Nelly come and do the news with me?

Look at this thot. Continue abeg.

The EFCC has been…investigating corruption allegations made against Patty for years! Remember that time they froze her account with all of $31.5 million in it?

Speaking of, where is all that money?

Sai what? Sai Baba…

Patience said the probe was desecrating the office of the Nigerian presidency and implied that Buhari was targeting her cos she was Jonathan’s wife.

 

“Michelle Obama campaigned vigorously for her husband’s party during their last presidential election, but we are yet to see President Donald Trump move against her,”

– Patty.

 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve missed Patty as First Lady. Aisha is too quiet.

There have also been more exchanges.

From

“I crushed Boko Haram, bruh. Ask about me!” – Bubu.

to

“Your regime is even more corrupt than mine, ma nigga. Stay woke.” – Jojo

…this dispute between Bubu and Jojo seems like it will go on for a while.

And we’re totally here for it.

You know we’ll bring you updates as they unfold.

Bet.

Moving on…

 

 

***

Meanwhile, in other news in the country, there are some scary ass reports that a deadly viral epidemic has started spreading in some parts of the nation.

We’re looking your way, Bayelsa.

The epidemic, known as “monkeypox” has reportedly broken out in Bayelsa state. And has started spreading to other states.

Tarzan has come again.

LOL! That’s what the gorillas said…

Someone needs to stop you. Before it’s too late.

According to the World Health Organisation, monkeypox is a rare disease that occurs primarily in remote parts of Central and West Africa, near tropical rainforests.

Yep. Tarzan did it.

Apparently, 10 people have been quarantined in Yenagoa already.

Be safe out there people, and be careful what you eat…

And who you eat, feel me?

In other glorious gist…

Thank you Alex!!

Alex Iwobi National Holiday needed please.

Also, on the not-so-hot gist side of life, Mr. Tagbo Umeike is dead.

And the tea has spilled all over Davido’s designer shirt.

Tagbo is…was an old friend of Davido’s.

And the entire thing has gotten out of hand.

Because Caroline Danjuma has insisted that Davido knows about the death.

Well, of course he knows. I’m not even Tagbo’s friend and I’m aware he passed.

No dummy. He knows more than he’s telling us is what she’s saying.

Well then. *sips tea*

Apparently, she started dating Tagbo after her divorce, and claimed that Davido and Friends Inc. dumped Tagbo’s body in a hospital after he died in his car.

Nigga what?

In an interview with StellaDimokorkus, Danjuma gave us the inside scoop on her allegations and relationship with Tagbo.

She said she did not specifically accuse Davido of killing Tagbo, but insisted that Davido was hiding the circumstances surrounding his the death.

Gheun!

No but the tea is actually scorching.

“Firstly, I would like to address this whole razzmatazz about David killing Tagbo, yes I did call out Davido to know the whereabouts of Tagbo but I never said he killed him, I didn’t use the word [sic] “Killed Tagbo”. I felt bad that I had not called Tagbo because Tuesday was his birthday. I tried calling him but his number was switched off.”

“I was out at the Bank when Tagbo’s childhood friend called me and said that he wanted to talk about Tagbo, he was just asking random questions. I got home and called Kola back around 4 pm and this was when Kola told me that Tagbo was dead. So I decided to call my neighbour who was also Tagbo’s friend and my neighbour said that there was a bet of 200k and that Tagbo drank about 50 shots of tequila. He comes from a very wealthy background so he does not need that kind of bet, he is not hungry for that.”

Issa bet though. You know…

Smelly bet. 50 shots of tequila?? Smh.

“Tagbo’s friend Chucks made some calls and found out that Tagbo was taken to Lagos Island. Meanwhile, someone who rented my bar told me he was with Davido at Shisha bar on Monday and then I asked him randomly ”oh then you must know Tagbo”. Davido knew and his crew knew Tagbo was dead at as 3am and they did not contact anyone, Davido’s personal assistant knows where Tagbo stayed but did not go to the house to inform anyone. He was taken to general hospital where he was confirmed dead and they left him there.”

Damn. Davido’s PR team have their work cut out for them.

RIP Tagbo.

 

 

***

LAS VEGAS…

Nothing prepared any of us for the Las Vegas shooting that happened at the weekend.

In fact, many of us here in Nigeria didn’t really have light to be aware.

Plus it rained that morning so many couldn’t do the walk of shame early enough to catch the news.

A terrorist guy bastard tadpole bastard opened fire at concert-goers killing about 58 people, injuring over 500.

Let me know when we can discuss this your description.

Now is fine.

So when you say “terrorist guy bastard”, is this the end of one description or is a comma missing in your speech?

I said what I said. A complete sentence.

So the sentence is “terrorist guy bastard tadpole bastard?”

Yes sir.

Wow. Who really hurt you?

A lot my G. This Paddock guy for one. How can you just book a hotel for over a week to perfect a plan to murder people?

Niggas is crazy breh. Opened fire from his room in the Mandalay Hotel and sent a lot of people scampering for safety. Some ended up dead while others are being treated for various injuries.

Not the iPhone owner tho.

TF?! WHO PUT HIS MIC ON?

I know it’s debloww. My spirit is telling me.

You’ve been drinking again?

Ugh! Where were we? Oh Yes, I was gon’ gist y’all about the lady whose iPhone took a bullet for her.

I’ll just ignore that grammar construction.

These days you gotta get a phone that can make calls and catch bullets.

This already rules out Androids.

Sorry 75% of the world. Y’all gon’ die.

You know how they say an Apple a day…

…makes the girls want to come to the yard and shake their ass all day?

That’s milkshake you twerp.

Oh is it?

Well, reports do say a certain woman was saved by her iphone as pictures show where the bullet aimed at her ricoch… rickw… ricosg…

Ricocheted?

Yeah. That…off her phone.

When they say you people should listen in class and stop following ass.

Never stop following ass brethren, let it lead you to greatnass.

Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.

We pray sanity returns to America soon, and something is fucking done about these guns.

Shit tips me off my barrel.

Like it grinds my gears!

So triggered!

 

 

***

SEX ROBOT MOLESTED AT ELECTRONICS FESTIVAL, CREATORS SAY

This news bit writes itself…emphasizing the hilarity in humanity, Hilary would be proud  😁 😁

Were you trying to rhyme?… Trying is the word 😳

So this Anglesey sex robot developer by the name of Engineer Sergi Santos decides “okay, with all my robotics engineering education, I am going to make a sex doll. I’m no pervert though.

The randy robot is programmed with artificial intelligence so that she responds to gentle seduction, gentle o!

Sergi complained saying that the kinky creation needs to be repaired thanks to “barbarians” at a tech industry festival. I am ashamed of you guys!! 😂😂

What exactly was he expecting though?? It’s a human parts robotic thing that won’t complain when you say open sesame.

It, she (whatever you want to call it) looks people deep in their eyes and hands out hugs.

Samantha seemingly gets more aroused the more she’s “romanced.”…I doubt she’ll make it here in Nigeria, romance???

The plan really was to show off Samantha at the Arts Electronica Festival in Linz, Austria, but man’s not hot!

Suffice to say, more than that happened,  “Samantha” was molested and seriously damaged by attendees.

“The people mounted Samantha’s breasts, her legs and arms. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled,” Sergi said, according to Britain’s Metro news site.

”People can be bad. Because they did not understand the technology and did not have to pay for it, they treated the doll like barbarians.” this word again…

Hahaha Hahaha omg!! Omg!! Can’t someone create something in peace??? 🤔🤔

Even though Samantha’s breasts and some other body parts were badly damaged by the sex-crazed Austrian horde, the AI software in the robot still worked perfectly. When Santos asked the doll, “How are you?” it responded, “Hi, I’m fine,” according to Daily Star.

Looks like the robotic doll is stronger than our Barbie doll here so please don’t mount Barbie, maybe buy a Samantha for about $4,000 a pop, if you are into that kind of kinky.

Eh to each his own…

That gave the inventor cause for hope. “Samantha can endure a lot, she will pull through,” he said, according to the British tabloid.

Arran Lee Squire, a British engineer who helped Santos develop “Samantha,” told the Daily Post he believes the robot should be treated like a lady.

How is that even possible? As a lady I am offended, nobody treats us as ladies anymore..Guess I can see why 😔😔

“I think people have just become over-excited and treated her like a sex doll. She isn’t a sex doll, she is a robot with AI,” that’s what he said 😏😏

Santos shipped Samantha in a box back to Barcelona for repairs.

Goodbye Samantha…for now, come back stronger for longer if you know what I mean.

 

 

***

Morals

And with that, we come to the end of yet another episode of total greatness.

Today we soaked so many tea bags and sipped from the fountain of wisdom.

Lesson 1: Buhari has the personality of a PHCN pole.

And looks like one.

But is far less functional than his look-alike.

Nah, these blows are too low.

Kinda like his performance so far.

LOL! You’re in rare form today.

Lesson 2: Buhari is targeting Patty because she’s Jonathan’s wife.

Seems legit to me. It has nothing to do with all the corruption charges.

We really have missed that woman. Even brugh Michelle Obama into the equation like she had any business being there.

What was the basis for that comparison please?

I blame Lucky for enabling that woman.

Lesson 3: No more parties in LA.

Kanye tried to warn y’all but y’all wouldn’t listen.

No but America really has to take a good look at them gun laws.

Something that was passed when a gun could only fire one bullet is still in full effect today when a man can be firing straight for 11 minutes.

Please re-evaluate. Your people are dying.

And last but not least.

Lesson 4: Men are scum.

But you knew that already. Didn’t you?

And that’s it from the crew!

Speaking of, as you’ve already guessed by now, we have some new ROUNDS members!!

Hey guys!

Is it safe to come out now?

You were waiting for the bat signal?

Smh. Introduce yourselves please!

Hi people, I’m Nelly. I’m responsible for all the emojis you witnessed in today’s post.

Hey folks, I’m Saga.

And this is…the breakfast club.

This one is just stupid.

LOL! Nelly and Saga reached out to us after that ad we put out and were pretty freaking impressive.

So expect these loonies to be on the show.

Show some love, Roundabouts!!

LOL! We’re still using that name?

What? You don’t like it?

Was thinking we could call them Rounders.

Or the Orbits. Cos they’re always making the Rounds?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ROUNDABOUTS?

Ain’t been here two minutes and they’re already trying to redecorate. Security!!

Get these people out of here.

LMAOOOO!

That’s it from us folks! See y’all next week.

Till then, we wish y’all peace…

Love…

And laughter.

Later y’all.

 

***

Culled from:

  • Newsweek.com
  • Punchng.com

Responses

  1. Princewill
    Welcome and . It’s about to get more lit with a female “Rounding”.

    I need to get myself a loyal iphone, Bi*ches and niggas ain’t that loyal to catch a bullet for me.

    Am happy for the Super Eagles. Not because the have qualified for the world cup but because the did it without allowing us to watch them play with calculators in our hands. #WehdonSirs

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