Rounds Week 42: On Rochas’ erection, Trump Calls, Sambo’s Prayers, and more

Rounds

Join us this Sunday as we ponder in amazement on why Dasuki paid 1.4 billion for national prayers, and why Rochas Okorocha intends to go around setting up erections in different parts of his state. Remember to leave a comment!

Enjoy.

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Hey guys! Good morning!

Yes, people. We have come again.

Why the long face though? What happened? Did your team lose?

To muh fucking Huddersfield, bruh.

You win some, you lose some…

To Huddersfield, nigga??

Good thing you’re not a betting man. Would have lost your money and your mind.

Speaking of losing money, those of you who haven’t done your BVN…

After all these years?

Yep.

…those of you who haven’t done your BVN are gonna lose your accounts.

Your sugar daddy is about to lose a couple millions. So understand if he’s not picking your calls.

But that’s not even what we came here to tell you. We have some news for you.

Yeah. You know… Just like every other week.

Here are…

 

***

The Headlines

Jacob Zuma Rocks

The story of Rochas Okorocha

And his new erection.

The Price of Deliverance

Please don’t forget to collect your receipt.

 

Recommended Reading:

Trump, on idiots

How to Pretend to be One. Vol 12

 

Sambo, on prayers

On his very own price of deliverance.

The Power of Tithing, by S. Dasuki

 

 

***

Jacob Zuma Rocks

In not so surprising news, depending on how much you expect from Nigerian leaders these days…

We discovered this week that Governor Rochas Okorocha of Imo state allegedly spent a whooping N520m to erect a giant bronze statue of…

Stella Adadevoh?

You joker. It’s actually hard to say this without sounding stupid but it’s a statue of President Jacob Zuma.

Of South Africa?

I’m telling you. I mean who cares about unpaid salaries right?

It’s like these leaders just collect salaries and allowances to think up more ways to disappoint Nigerians.

I used to think statues were for honourable people. How can you be accused of 700 charges of corruption in your country and get a statue in another country?

And on the flip side, why are you the one to bring the statue of an alleged criminal into your country?

I guess real recognize real?

I mean…but Jacob Zuma?

I know right? Not even Fela.

Well if the leaders of the country think like cockroaches then I guess you have a big chance. Zuma also got a chieftaincy title and a road named after him you know?

Wow. Remind me what he did to deserve this again?

It’s because both share the same thing in common, which is being disliked by their people, but Rochas’ theory is that it’s because of Zuma’s love for education.

Has Zuma impacted education in Imo state in any way? I think that’s bullshit but you never heard it from me.

You people are talking like you’re new in this country.

I’m just here looking at them like why are you surprised?

Is it not the same Rochas that had all those cakes for his birthday?

Yup. Same guy that felt it was dope to bust the shoki during Buhari’s campaign tour?

LMAOOOO… so much of a joke, he became a meme.

While you guys are here trying to understand this shit, Chief Press Secretary to Okorocha, Sam Onwuemeodo  (who also doubles as someone’s daddy) said that they cannot be deterred by enemies of the people who are trying to discourage them from making the state open to foreign investors.

WE ARE ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE?

Yeah, also popularly known and referred to by Sam as “Galatians”.

He spewed further:

“And in case these “Galatians” do not know all we need to do to attract good things or investments to Imo is erecting statues, then, we have no option than to erect as many of such structures as possible.”

Ha. Aha ha! Wait…

LMAOOO! What?

“We owe no one apology. Rochas made a promise to open the doors of Imo to the rest of the world, for good and he is doing that and we cannot be deterred by these enemies of our people.”

Well, what do you call a Governor that goes around raising erections?

A dick if you ask me.

You’re very right.

Imo people, you guys just have to take the L for this week. You can’t avoid it. You better just change your governor to avoid further future embarrassments.

Or just change state of origin, which is way easier.

 

***

DELIVERANCE NOW COMES AT A PRICE

I know they taught you people that Jesus paid the price.

That’s for those that went to Sunday school, not sure Nelly ever made it there. Where were you when your mates were praising and listening to the word of the Lord, ehn Nelz?

WOW! All these accusations. Is it written on my head that I’m some sort of demon?

Well, no one has said that yet. But you have 0.002 seconds to prove us wrong. GONE! DEMON!

You’d think I’ll be treated nice here, considering I’m a …

No o, we practice equality here. We’re all feminists please.

Yup, we’re all guys. As I was saying, Jesus might have paid the price, but he forgot to collect his receipt.

So, some church pastors, up there in Cross River state have decided to help him out.

The church known as The God’s Spirit Touch Church International, aka Chosen Chapel recently issued a N5,000 receipt for a deliverance of one Otude Joseph.

I mean, you gats have prices for your services when people come to request your services.

These guys are taking their lessons from the bible, but interpreting it another way.

LMAO. No one is sending disciple to look for cash in the mouth of a fish anymore, so might as well hit you with that updated price list.

Pastors be like: “2 hour deliverance – N5000, but if demon proves stubborn, extra hour gon’ cost 2k extra”

“Healing for sickness: N10,000 (depends on sickness, please if it’s monkey pox, only God can save you)

“Raising of dead” – N100,000 (Please pay before service, funds are non-refundable in event of unfavorable outcome)

Our hero in this story, Mr Joseph went online and posted a picture of his receipt, and it all went downhill from there.

One OAP like this called Freeze, saw it and proceeded to rant. I can’t remember what he said because I don’t pay attention to him.

You’re quite rude you know?

Question, comment or do you want to repeat that?

Wow! Bullish too.

oya now, defend yourself na, if it’s in my body now, you’ll have power.

Wait. Pause.

POWER. ENTER.

Hahaha, back to this shit, so yeah, we’ve seen and read lots of stuff that points to the fact that pastors these days are taking the phrase “sons of the most high” too literally.

That’s all they are.

Last week, in a church in Akwa Ibom State, a Pastor declared that he had authentic Blood of Jesus for sale and that anyone who drank of it will be free from any troubles in life.

He clearly needs a dose of his fabricated medicine.

I love it when you talk dirty…RAHHHHHH!!

Did I miss something?

I don’t even want to understand.  Speaking of pastors and churches, saw these pictures floating around.

Mama G.O on that #MansNotHot tip, because Daddy G.O is not on some hell fire ting. Spiritual effect.

Busting tongues because the ting go “rababababa, skidiki baba reko brrrrr BOOM”.

Father forgive them.

 

 

***

“Let us pray” – Sambo

Meanwhile, an EFCC official went to an Abuja court on Thursday with a lot on his mind.

LMAO! We just talked about pastors using churches for gain earlier, yeah?

Well, I see where you’re going with this.

Right. So the EFCC official I’m talking about is Michael Adariku. And what was puzzling him puzzled the rest of the ROUNDS team.

Yep.

Absolutely…

Color me puzzled. #jesuishuh?

I mean why does anyone need 1.4billion naira for national prayers?

Those of us that are doing it sincerely every day for free nko? Where is our own 1.4 bill?

Each… 💅🏾

Bruh, who is charging these insane amounts for amens?

I bet other men of god would like to know. You know, for research purposes.

Others just wanna know who snitched.

Adariku, an officer of EFCC, dropped all these receipts when he testified in the trial of Sambo Dasuki, a former National Security Adviser to former President Goodluck Jonathan.
Dasuki is standing trial on a 19-count charge bordering on alleged diversion of N13.6 billion since 2015.
Well, 1.4 billion is literally 10% of that.

So uhm… tithe? I don’t get it.

Wow…

Nah, Nigerian politicians scare me. As in they put “For national prayers” in the comment section on the transfer slip??

You’ll just be sitting down and receive someone’s 2 decades worth of work.

See, life isn’t fair.

Tell that to Bobriskyy.

Ain’t nobody got time or 10k for that.

Word.

The Dasuki case was adjourned till the 13th and 14th of December.

Aka “see me in my hofis”.

Mark your calendars though.

Speaking of scary leaders…

 

***

Donald Trump is a “foul-mouthed man who pretends to be an idiot”

Ouch!

Not even sure which one is more painful; foul mouthed or idiot.

As far as it concerns DT, they are one and the same.

Every week, there’s some new story about Mr. Chump that we don’t even consider it news anymore.

According to him, it’s FAKE NEWS.

But we can’t make this shit up!

During the week, while on a call to the widow of a fallen soldier, President Trump is reported to have flunked his lines, even saying “he knew what he signed up for”

Mrs. Johnson, the widow of late Sgt. Johnson said, ‘He didn’t even know his name. He kept calling him, ‘Your guy,’” Ms. Wilson said of Ms. Johnson. “He was calling the fallen soldier, ‘Your guy.’ And he never said his name because he did not know his name. So he kept saying, ‘Your guy. Your guy. Your guy.’

You know Trump though, mans got on twitter and flatly dismissed Ms. Wilson’s account and suggested he would produce evidence to discredit it.

This guy sha. I don’t even know again.

He also recently made remarks about the Iran nuclear deal and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, described him as “foul-mouthed” and someone who “pretends to be an idiot.” 

Khamenei told his audience that he didn’t want to spend his time commenting on Trump saying: “it would be a waste of time to respond to such blatherings and nonsensical remarks by the foul-mouthed US President who pretends to be an idiot.”

Based on this, guess what this makes us?

No please. We are only educating the people. I refuse to be classified along these lines.

Hahahaha.

We await DT’s tweet on the matter.

Whenever I read Donald Trump’s TL, it looks like he just walks around the white house giving other people the phone to tweet whatever they want and hi-five him, cos this is the most random shit…

First of all, it’s “spend”.

LOL!

It’s so sad that we end the news with an article on a man who has no..

 

***

Morals

Is it getting old?

Nope.

Naw.

I could still work with it.

Aight, so today we showed the people…

That real recognize real. I mean you can’t be putting up statues of corrupt politicians if you don’t plan to emulate.

Even Bubu was like “ahn ahn. Have you people paid salary???”

He’s one to talk. Where are all the things he promised us?

But Boko Haram, fam. Boko Haram…

Haha! We heard that one.

It’s time we leave this case of Rochas putting his people between a rock and a hard place…

I mean what governor wakes up thinking “naw fuck schools, man. Erect some statues”??

A Rochas Okorochas production.

Imo people take a bow. You elected him.

Then we learnt the price of deliverance.

Later on, we would go ahead to learn it costs as much as 1.4 bill.

But first, bring ₦5,000.

Don’t forget your receipt, sir. Whoo! That demon was tough.

Then we learnt how disrespectful Trump could be to the military.

I mean, after all the kneeling down…

Trump still refuses to respect black people.

I mean, he called up this brother’s moms and was talking shit.

So when you hear thEM describe him as foul mouthed and idiotic…

They’re being diplomatic.

Last we learnt the importance of paying our tithe.

No matter how much you get, or how illegal the means are, you calculate that shit and send it to your company’s account to invest in the local charity…

Also probably owned by you.

But tithe paid tho. So it’s cool.

So the next time you wanna accuse Nigerian politicians of not having morals…

That’s it from us, people!

Tune in same time, next week for another dose of this good stuff.

Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.

Later y’all.

 

 

***

Sources:

Pulse ng

Washington Herald

vanguardngr.com

Responses

  1. Dickson
    This is so lovely. I enjoyed every bit of it. The way the new guys just blended into the team, it’s like rochas and the ridiculous. Keep it up folks
  2. Keezeeto
    When will the new guys get their own avatars. Its confusing trying to decode who is talking between them. Great piece by the way. Lets just forget about Chump, cuz he will keep on going low

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