Rounds Week 43: On APC and Maina, Recovered Abacha Loot, SA G-Wagons, and more.

Rounds

Join the ROUNDS team this week as they bring you their views on this week’s outlandishness. Ranging from Maina’s scandal to recovered Abacha loot.

Read, share, enjoy.

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Good morning people!!

Welcome to ROUNDS!!

If you haven’t told a friend about this shit, you should.

And today we’re gonna give you 4 reasons why you need to. Even though it’s not like you needed any.

ROUNDS: The best thing you’ll read all week.

That should be our new tagline.

These ones just came in and want to change everything.

Allow them.

Sigh. Yes mommy…

This week we’re bringing you a different level of insanity.

That’s apt. Considering that the news items that have been making the ROUNDS in the past 7 days are enough to make one weak.

I see what you did there.

Well, insanity workouts make you week so…

Ah. I see what you did there too.

Alright Mummy G.O., can we get to it?

Right. As usual we begin with..

                                                                       The Headlines

Nigeria we hail thee

PS: Don’t read if you still have hope in Nigeria…

 

The Price of Infidelity

What to do when you impregnate someone’s wife

 

In other news…

$321m recovered from Abacha’s Swiss accounts

 

Nude for speed

You can beat your meat but

you can’t beat the traffic police

 

***

Nigeria We Hail Thee

What is dead may never die…

And honestly that’s the best way to describe the country. Just when we think it’s already so dead nothing else can possibly kill us again.

We hear news like this that disappoints us even when we have little or no more expectation from this country.

I’m sure the founding fathers of this country would have rolled in their graves so many times they’ve probably drilled a hole 66ft deep by now.

Is that deep enough to describe how low this country has gotten?

Not quite. So here goes, over the weekend it was revealed that the ex-chairman of the Pension Reform Task Team, Abdulrasheed Maina, who was dismissed from service in 2013 for absconding from duty after he was accused of embezzling about N100bn and placed under arrest, was reinstated into the civil service to head the human resources department of the interior ministry.

Now this is a man who wasn’t only dismissed from service but was placed on the wanted list of INTERPOL (International Police) by the EFCC in 2015.

A man who’s currently being linked to stolen funds amounting to about ₦17 billion.

Damn bruh.

Oh wait, the story gets even more interesting. Maina became the most talked about individual this week as stories of his embezzlement and sudden re-introduction flooded the media.

Bruhhhh. My head is above water but I’m not even breathing fine. This news is tighting my chest. So Maina was fired, rehired and fired again?

Yup. Cos you need to fight fire with fire in this country. But like I said, hold on… there are always two sides to a story.

Ah! My mother always told me to listen to news but nah, always focused on rounds.

TRIPLE ENTENDRE?! Considering you’re a doctor, you’re an avid reader/member of ROUNDS and a ho.

Your agoyin beans seller’s uncle’s sister’s janitor’s brother’s gateman’s side chick is a ho.

Yeah, always suspected her. That’s why she’s a side c…smh, nvm. So yeah, Maina however had a whole lotta tea to spill when he went on air very recently.

Let me guess, the money wasn’t embezzled but was kept for prayers needed in 2019?

Oh no, apparently, he had snitched on these niggas in time past, reported the widespread corruption happening in various ministries, and now they wanted to silence him.

Oh?!

Oh yes, so they’ve trumped up these allegations and even tried to kill him. He claims his car was shot at while leaving the President’s office after one such snitch meeting.

They shot at him in the villa? HOWWWWW?

Bro, I was just like “ah!” Homie says this is a witch hunt to stain his name and paint him black because of all his deeds to expose these people. He even has receipts, lots of them!

Would we ever get to the root of all of this? I can bet my left breast the whole thing will be swept under the carpet soon. 2019 should please come fast. We need to change this change.

Can we talk about this left breast? Like, in not more than 2 words, can you qualify the qualities of this quoted left breast?

Fuck you.

Fair enough.

This country just keeps getting ridiculous, and I’m not even trying to sound cliché.

I’m sick and tired of it. I’m not even going to be diplomatic. OUR GOVERNMENT IS A FUCKING JOKE! How do you sleep at night knowing you’ve failed the people who put their hopes, their beliefs in you? How do you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and feel ok when people address you as “Mr President” when you haven’t done shit? How do you look at your campaign promises and not admit to yourself that you have failed? How can you so comfortably fly out so often when your citizenry are crying out for the barest of care? Hospitals can’t treat people, kids dying all around because of no medication. Unemployment is the cloak of our youth and parents. Crime rate keeps soaring, nothing is working and somebody boldly claims he’s a president? And he’s not alone. All those in the cabinet, the good ones, why continue to associate yourselves with rot? If your efforts to make things right are being stifled, how about you get the fuck out of there and rise an opposition? How about you expose the rubbish ongoing? How have your tongues been tied? How do you say nothing and trudge along like you’ve been placed under some native spell? GOSH! *walks out*

Ummm…that needed to come out. Please continue, he just went to get some air.

I’m just here like ‘WHOA!’ That wasn’t in my script. But yo! Couldn’t have said it better. We might make the news palatable for y’all but I guess my man Saks has had it. Truth must be told, and boy did he tell it! YOU LEADERS SHOULD FIX UP YO LIVES! Or more preferably, our lives. Yours is good already.

Please do we have insurance in case somebody wants to…

You don’t have sense.

 

***

The Price of Infidelity

Shame. I’m just shaking my head at this article.

Oh, you’re back, welcome.

Just needed to clear my head.

This headline seems so self-righteous.

Make no mistake. All have cheated, and fallen short of the glory of God.

Hallelujah.

But cheating pass cheating sha.

And “I’m sorry” pass “I’m sorry”.

In the news this week we discovered that a Nigerian man (of course) simply identified as John bought a G wagon for a South African man as an apology gift for impregnating his wife.

I have so many questions. How did he know the unborn baby isn’t his?

I’m guessing he took one look and was like “Nah. I know a South African bump when I see one and that’s a Nigerian baby bump, teef”.

Or maybe he just knows he can’t be the father cos “you spent the last 6 months in Abuja and you’re 4 months pregnant.:”

I know bare niggas reading this right now like “Why lord! Why can’t a rich man impregnate my wife?”

Goals. To be able to buy a man’s pride with a vehicle.

“Nigga I’m sorry I smashed your wife raw and put a baby inside her. Here are the keys to your new ride”

Daily Live, a South-African news website, quoted John as saying that the husband of his pregnant girlfriend immediately forgave him on receiving the car.

Wait. Wait.

Oh you saw it too!??! 😂😂🤣

Who could miss that. “The husband of his pregnant girlfriend”.

LMAOOO! These jokes write themselves.

Men, father your sons, so they don’t grow up with pride on izero.

“I know what I did is wrong but I feel better he has accepted my gift. He accepted that his wife, my girlfriend, is pregnant and will soon give birth to my son. He was angry at first but when I presented the car to him his anger vanished,”

-John, a national hero.

Mandela didn’t spend 27 years in a prison cell with no Wi-Fi for this.

Some SA woman who was close to the family tried to express her disappointment in her compatriot for being so cheap, saying that Nigerian men would never take South-African men seriously after hearing this.

YOU DAMN RIGHT!

South African males as a whole can forget about respect as they take this L back to their home land on a brand new G Wagon.

Couldn’t be me. The G Wagon better raise the child.

LOL!

Naw, even the wife/girlfriend won’t take her man seriously. “So I can buss it open for some Yoruba demon and still hold my head high in this house? You are about to witness the strength of skeet power”

“R.E.S.P.E.C.T. You ain’t gon get none from me…”

If homeboy’s coming through with a South African name, it’s quiet. But if his name is Dozie, or Segun…

Or Terdoo…

Homeboy is gonna like…get it.

Tears. Real tears.

When he (the husband) was contacted on the issue of his castration, he responded with:

“It is wrong to say I am stupid. The point of the matter is we cannot reverse what happened. We sat down as men and sorted the issue. The Bible says we must forgive and forget. I have always dreamed of driving a G-wagon. Christmas came early for me and my family.”

“The baby will be born and I’ll take care of him as my own. If the father wants to take him to Nigeria I wouldn’t mind. I will give my wife the support she needs always.”

Ah well, to each his own. Every man has a price, right?

I don’t know man. You get my wife pregnant you better marry her. I’m just saying.

Smh. When South African took to Twitter last week to diss Nigerians about Governor Roaches, I knew they has it coming. Moving on…

 

***

In Other News

Meanwhile Twitter has still not suspended @realdonaldtrump.

I don’t know why they continue to allow the man to bully people with that his account.

I mean, deactivate that shit let him be using the @POTUS account to say all the rubbish he wants to say, right?

Right?

Instead, they’re busy deactivating accounts that are out here doing the Lord’s work, exposing women for the scum that they are and encouraging them to treat men better.

Are you talking about @Oloni?

The one and only…

Bars. What happened to her?

Twitter must have had it with her “Okay ladies…” tweets.

I didn’t notice.

Well y’all were busy watching Offset propose to Cardi.

I’m just impressed that he did it with no ad-libs.

You know that shit is bound to happen. Especially during the vows.

Cardi is goals though. You know she’s going to be throwing it back steady till the end of the year.

That’s a big ass rock though. Damn. How much money are these Migos niggas making from doing background adlibs???

It’s funny cos all that money is nothing compared to what your forefathers stole from Nigeria.

I mean Switzerland is STILL returning money from Abacha’s loot.

Apparently. Abubakar Malami (the Minister of Justice and Attorney General of the Federation) said that negotiation has been concluded with Switzerland on the return of $321 million recovered from the late Abacha family.

When his wife was saying she can never be as broke as Dangote you thought she had hot yam in her mouth abi?

She was speaking with her chest. And her Swiss bank account’s chest.

So what is the government planning to do with this ₦116,523,000,000 they’re about to collect?

I’m sure Buhari’s anti-corruption administration will find a way to make that money disappear.

Yeah, we can count on that.

Moving on…

 

***

Nude For Speed

As you guys know we love to bring you guys some ‘what the fuck’ news as often as possible.

However, even we weren’t ready for the level of what the fuckery in this news.

White people really need to be stopped.

However I’m pretty sure the policeman who stopped John Wayne Kellerman didn’t expect what he saw afterwards.

That’s because Kellerman, was stopped for driving above the speed limit was discovered by the officer to be covered in his upper and lower body parts with…

Vaseline.

While nearly naked, except for a bikini thong he was wearing.

As well as with a pornography magazine on the passenger seat and a nearly empty jar of…

Vaseline.

LOOOOL. He was obviously trying to grease his nuts.

I have just one question, why?

He probably just wanted to drive out of his comfort zone and try something new.

So he was fast and curious?

And you’re a doctor o. Smh

Don’t hate, appreciate. To make matters worse he was driving with a license that had expired since 1985 and has been in and out of jail for the past 27 years for various offences.

Am I the only one thinking about the practicability of masturbating while driving? Like what if he had had an accident or something.

He wants to cum and go and kill himself away.

He was arraigned for speeding and driving with a revoked license and later freed on a $1000 bond.  Fortunately for him, speeding, masturbating and driving isn’t an offence yet.

Guess the legislators need to get to work.

Getting killed by a drunk driver is common but imagine getting killed by a driver beating his meat behind the wheels.

Like how do you explain yourself to Peter at the pearly gates that you were killed by a man who  had no…

 

***

Morals

And once again we have come to the end of yet another amazing bout of greatness.

From your 4 favorite people.

Don’t you mean your two favorite people and these oldins?

Right. Precisely.

You people should allow us run our own episodes, you know.

Soon.

What gems did we give the people this week?

First that there’s no hope for the nation.

Buhari’s anti-corruption regime doesn’t know what “anti-“ means.

I actually genuinely believe this is true.

Next we learnt that if you nut in your girlfriend, and she conceives, and just happens to be a South African man’s wife, just walk in a Mercedes store and hand him some Keys.

Problem solved.

Also, John can go ahead and replace Buhari, as a more capable man. Bringing the nation honor.

Nothing but respect for my president…

Then we learnt that the extent of Abacha’s loot has no end. Literally 19 years after that apple got stuck in his gut, we’re still recovering money.

We also have learnt from history that this money is just going from the pocket of one thief to the pocket of another.

Until you people start showing working we won’t believe you.

And last but not least, we added one more item to the list of things that we shouldn’t do while driving.

You know the usual suspects: Don’t call/text while driving; don’t drink and drive…

Don’t drive tired; don’t be putting on makeup while behind the wheel…

And now, please don’t masturbate while operating heavy machinery.

Please adhere to these morals we have tried to establish. They might save your life, or someone else’s.

That’s about it from us today, people.

Remember to join us next week for more of this outlandish shit!

Oh and tell a friend about us! Come on! Paste the link on your group chats. It won’t hurt.

See you same time next week.

Till then, we wish you peace, love and laughter.

Later people!

 

***

Culled from:

  • Punchng.com
  • Ynaija.com

Responses

  1. Jay
    This is probably my favourite episode this year! Expanding the team to 4 is turning out a blinder… I don’t know where to start from Nelly’s left breast to the g wagon and the sad reality of Nigeria. You guys should consider a video rounds too. Keep pushing the Limits guys!
  2. DeBOLx
    Ah well, this episode has clearly justified why I can’t miss my Rounds every Sunday. Giving me reasons to laugh & “cry” at the same time, can’t get anything close to this sh*t anywhere else!

    Thumbs up, “guys!”

    A Proud Roundabout.

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