Rounds Week 44: On Dasuki’s Amnesia, Trump’s Deleted Account, Nigeria Going Nuclear, and more.

Rounds

At this point they need no introduction, now. Do they? Join Saga, Nelly, Terdoo and Sirkastiq on this week’s episode of outlandishness as they discuss everything from Dasuki’s sudden loss of memory last week to Trump making twitter go nuts. Don’t forget to drop a comment!

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Hey people!

Remember when ROUNDS used to be fun?

Yeah. Wasn’t that like…last week?

I’ll drink to that.

🥃🥃

Good morning everyone. Welcome back to the madhouse.

Forgive us if we seem a little over-excited…

It’s just…did you guys hear that Donald Trump’s account was deleted??

Albeit briefly. 🙄

We’ll get to that in a bit but first, we usually do this thing where we give them the highlights first?

Headlines?

Ooh I want in. Headliners?

I don’t get this game. Must the word start with head? Cos I can’t get past it.

Headass.

Ugh. No. But ROUNDS usually starts with…

 

The Headlines.

 

For your mind abi?

Don’t hate. Emulate.

🥃🥃

 

Dasuki’s Amnesia

When you’ve been detained so long…

You’ve forgotten all the money you stole.

 

Trump’s Account Deleted

Ex Twitter employee is our new president.

And nothing but respect for our president

 

Russia and Nigeria sign contract

Hint: it’s not a world cup cheque

 

ISIS Declares State of Emergency

Threatens world cup

Threatens world leaders

 

***

Dasuki’s Amnesia

I’ve actually forgotten Dasuki was in detention.

I’m actually surprised he’s still in detention.

Well you know Nigerian legal system keeps you behind bars for years illegally without a trial or conviction.

Yeah but I thought that depended on your financial status. If it was one Rafiu the vulcanizer from Orile-Agege that was detained I’d expect a life sentence without trial in fact.

Well obviously the Dasuki kind of detention would be different. Would probably have unilag girls keeping him company every weekend.

Haha. Some Pablo Escobar type xshit you know.

So for those who have forgotten, former PDP spokesperson, Olisa Metuh is facing trial for diversion of ₦400 million from the office of the NSA.

Small loan is what you’re calling diversion. Money that isn’t even up to half a billion. Smh.

Nigeria is just sad. How did a former PDP spokesperson get access to NSA funds?

He SPOKE to the PERSON in charge duh! It’s literally in his job description.

And since you’d expect the boss at the time to know how the funds got diverted, the Nigerian government decided to summon the former National Security Adviser, Sambo Dasuki, to testify this past Wednesday. However, he said he could only comment on the allegations after looking at his financial records.

And yep, you guessed right, he can’t look into the records while he’s still in detention. See where this is going?

I see it but I don’t believe it.

He was asked if he remembered having any financial deal with Metuh and his company Dextra Investment while in office and my mans was like ‘You know I been in the custody of the SSS for ‘bout 2 years now, I really don’t remember shit yo! How about y’all burst me outta here so I could confirm from ma records’.

In his words…

“Three years is a long time, so I cannot recall. I cannot respond in a manner that will please the counsel, except with recourse to my records.”

Sinzu was spot on when he said “Yebariba Sambo ribobo”. Cos that’s the best way to describe this madness.

“As long as I’m in custody, the answer is I don’t know”.

Can you imagine the nerve of this guy?

So we’re not getting shit from Dasuki? Das okay.

I thought this was the era of snitching and singing like a canary? Aren’t there memos being leaked?

He obviously didn’t get the memo in detention. In an expected move, the counsels to Metuh and Dasuki have asked the court for more time to allow Dasuki resolve his detention ‘issues’ before he would testify.

I don’t understand. If he can talk and walk, what else is he recovering from exactly?

He’s probably had to pick the soap one too many times in detention, can’t say.

Ugh! I really hope so.

Ahn ahn. Why evils? LMAO.

Have I mentioned that I’m tired of this country? Please where do they sell change of citizenship form?

You’ll need to get in line b. There are 160 million people in front of you. I’m at your behind though.

You’re a pavat!

And water is wet.

Err…it’s actually not.

My point exactly. Anyway, the prosecuting lawyer has asked for the law to compel Mr Dasuki to speak but the defence has stated that that only applies to a witness that has refused to testify, which supposedly isn’t the case here.

Sigh. These people are just playing ten-ten with our brains.

And playing Pacman with our funds. But as they say, it is well.

Even inside well…

Wey dey smell.

 

***

Trump’s Account Deleted

It has been many a summer solstice since I’ve been this excited to report an article.

Fam.

We saw a blue moon screen this week, people. And it looked like this.

And for 11 minutes on Thursday, you could have witnessed this blue moon in real time.

For 11 minutes, the school bully couldn’t pop off with the twitter fingers.

For 11 beautiful minutes we were free from poorly worded insults, boasts, weird syntax, misinformanton, and covfefe.

And then he came back.

🙄🙄

And this one, this one is my favorite…

Twitter came out with their 280 character chest to tell us that it was someone who was leaving the company that did it.

First of all…no snitching!

Second of all, we wanna know who he  is because even though the government will start acting up, the rest of the world wants to recognize him as a global hero.

We love you mystery employee.

If there’s any way you can reveal your identity to us, we will make your birthday a national holiday.

Also, @Twitter, delete that account please.

Thanks.

Still on the topic of the Mirinda Man…

Well, he went to Hawaii this week.

And…this happened.

Wait. Why did they do that though?

Well, Trump has been talking all that Birther movement shit all year. And Obama was born in Hawaii.

So they put up “Welcome to Kenya”, “Aloha means goodbye”, and “Immigration gave me my family” placards.

Well, they were obviously upset. Hawaii is mad diverse. Well played though.

State congressman Kaniela Ing said to Hawaii News Now:

“Hawaii is the most diverse state in the nation, and just a few days ago Trump literally said, ‘Diversity sounds like a good thing, but it is not a good thing.’ That statement alone undermines the values that make Hawaii, Hawaii.”

Well if America won’t admit the fact that their president is a piece of shit, at least they know that the rest of the world won’t ignore it.

Moving on….

 

***

RUSSIA AND NIGERIA SIGN SOMETHING

In a time where countries that have sense are staying away from Russia, your country has decided to enter into partnership.

It’s not really the fault of your country, you see, these things happen when you have no president.

Or one that doesn’t know what exactly is going on.

Shebi if he was on twitter now, we’d be cc-ing him on these things.

Isn’t he?

Somebody that still has a VCD player, you think he has experienced social media?

LMAOOOOO..It can’t be that bad na. He mentioned Social media when he was giving his inauguration speech.

Speech that Red Media wrote? Please focus.

Yah. So these Russian guys have allegedly signed agreements with Nigeria to build and operate a nuclear power plant.

Please ignore the fact that we lack power and lots of other basic amenities.

WE HAVE NOT FINISHED BUILDING NORMAL POWER PLANTS, WE WANT TO GO NUCLEAR.

So that’s why you’re now shouting?

It’s like you have light in your area.

Matter of fact, I do.

Rosatom, the nuclear company confirmed that their firm and representatives of the Nigeria Atomic Energy Commission signed the deal.

Never heard of the Nigeria Atomic Energy Commission.

I’m thinking they’re a small body, something like an at..

Don’t do it bro.

It was reported that in 2015, we (Nigeria) commenced talks with Rosatom to build as many as four nuclear power plants costing about $20 billion.

I’m not an expert on these things o, but is this different from what Dangote is trying to build?

I think so. Dangote seems to be focused on power.

Well, color-me-blind, but isn’t it similar? This just being nuclear?

I think you’re kind of right. But you know Nigerians, we want to bake the cake, serve it, eat it, have it and then sell it.

Not gonna cross my fingers for any nuclear power plant, and those Russians better be wise.

They’ll just wake up one day and discover they’ve signed contract with air.

If we can lose a satellite in space, is it small power plant that boys can’t move?

Hahahaha.

 

***

Islamic State of Emergency

This news actually sends chills down my bones

Seriously! Like what has football done to deserve this? Maradona didn’t show us the hand of God for godless men to ruin the game.

In a scary development, we learnt that ISIS aka the Islamic state have threatened arguably the three biggest names in football today, Ronaldo, Messi and Neymar.

I’m shook fam. Imagine getting a death threat as the reward for being the best in the game. Sickening. And from all indications the threats are targeted at the Russia 2018 World Cup.

The threats came via a series of photoshopped images which seem to be targeted, one of which showed a terrorist standing behind a crying Neymar on his knees with his hands tied behind his back beside an ISIS flag with Messi on the floor beside him supposedly executed.

Another one showed CR7 with a black eye kneeling in front of an executioner with the caption “Our words are what you see not what you hear. So just you wait, we are waiting too”

Sigh! But why?

They are probably just mad FIFA won’t let them create a team for the world cup so they want to attend it by force and make the event explosive.

The regular fireworks aren’t enough?

Fire works but bombs work better, I guess. At least it’s not Alex Iwobi in the pictures.

Wow.

What? We were all thinking it…

Ugh! Why did CR7 have to be there? Love me some CR7 for my dreams.

Good thing you know this fantasy will remain in your dreams.

Ignoring you and humping CR7 away.

Slow down Humpty Dumpty you know how that story ends yeah?

Go away, hater.

I just hope the Russian President will Putin more efforts into beefing up security for the tournament.

They shouldn’t fuck with Putin though. Bald white man don’t play.

He’ll teach them some.

 

***

Morals

And once again, we’ve come to the end of this episode.

Sad.

I know right? It’s so annoying. Can’t we just continue?

If you guys have the content, I’m ready.

Don’t kill us please.

Ah well, before we go we need to highlight the gems we dropped this week, right?

Right. First of all, we learnt that you can steal millions and claim that you don’t remember and you need to check your own records…

Even when the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission of the state provides authentic documents in court.

Yeah, but those don’t matter. I have to check my own records to confirm. So release me first.

Comedic gold.

Then for 11 minutes on Thursday, we had a new president.

*raises hand in solidarity*

There need to be more ex-twitter employees that are leaving.

Also, we have a suggestion. Can you all, like, schedule your departures for like the same day so you can all take turns deactivating the account, and maybe actually finalize it this time?

Thanks in advance.

Then we learnt that we’re going nuclear.

I mean the government hasn’t even given us solar power.

But hey, contract with Russia for nuclear plants sounds like a good idea.

This didn’t happen under Jonathan.

Or Barack. Just saying.

And also we learnt that ISIS don’t want to be left out of the world cup like Ghana.

So they’ve resorted to making threats instead of dancing in one corner like our banku-eating brethren.

LMAO! This Ghanaian L will not go away anytime soon huh?

Nope. But sadly we have to.

We’ll be back next week with more articles, because truth is stranger than fiction.

Most def.

Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.

Later folks!

Aye don’t forget to comment! You know we love that shit.

Thank you.

 

 

***

Culled from:

  • News Sources:
  • Bloomberg
  • Premium times

Responses

  1. Anons
    “I just hope the Russian President will Putin more efforts into beefing up security for the tournament” Lol I see what you did there G. Kenya and their colleagues didn’t come up with outlandish shit this week, ehya.
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