Rounds Week 45: On PoliceNG Ranking, Mugabe’s Monarchy, Burundi’s Couple Order, and more…

Rounds

Join the ROUNDS team as they bring you this week’s dose of hilariousness in the news.

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Good morning folks.

Happy Sunday!!

Oooh! Speaking of the Nigerian police…

Well well well…

Have you people taken a look at the report they’re so mad about?

I did. Take a look at this shit right here.

And PoliceNG came out spitting in their response.

It’s just…the responses from everyone else have been hilarious so far.

And my personal favorite…

It’s really been lit this week in the news.

I mean, did you hear about that competency test?

Kaduna stand up!!

…and remain standing. What was that???

Y’all let Nas, and the rest of our fellow countrymen, down.

I mean some of those answers though. Wuuut??

Meanwhile…

That’s what I said!!

Guys. Aren’t you supposed to be reading the news?

Ah yes. The headlines. We forgot about that.

It’s always a fun period when you’re making fun of the state of affairs in Nigeria.

And in the world, generally.

Welcome to ROUNDS, ladies and gentlemen…

 

 

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The Headlines

Robert Mugabe on fire

How to keep a country in the family.

By Robert Mugabe

“We didn’t learn it from the British, promise!”

 

Qatar Airways plane forced to land after wife discovers husband’s affair midflight

When your iPhone betrays you

And spills its contents mid-air

 

Burundi orders all unmarried couples to wed in two months

Seems like enough planning time if you ask me

I hope there’s cake

 

Lagos ranked world’s second cheapest city

*spit-takes*

– Every Lagosian

***

Robert Mugabe on Fire

You know how we Nigerians celebrated the democracy era 18 years ago like it was the best thing since sliced bread? 

Too bad our brethren from the south, the Mugabeans, are yet to enjoy that feeling seeing as Robert Mugabe has somehow turned the government into a type of monarchy.

Or what do you call it when a man has been leader of a country for 37 years while thwarting all forms of free and fair elections?

As Fela called it, it’s a demonstration of craze not a democracy. And he’s 128 years old FFS!!!

Wait. He’s just 93 bruh.

Point is he’s still years above the life expectancy in Zimbabwe. Focus, woman.

Hahaha…but that old age sure comes with a lot of wisdom seeing as every witty quote on the internet is attributed to him. Legacy right there.

Bruhh! Mans is a legend. Part-time president and full-time philosopher. I mean look at these nuggets. Phew! What a man.

 

You do realize he actually never said most of these things, right?

Ugh! You just had to be a party pooper huh?

My pleasure. Anyway, the gist is that Mugabe has fired his Vice President and longtime ally, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who was believed to be next in line to succeed him on account of “disloyalty”.

And now this will eventually clear the way for his wife, Grace Mugabe, to be sworn in as Vice President and potentially succeed him when his candle finally dies out.

As for me and my house we will serve Zimbabwe. What an enviable work ethic.

Funny thing is that according to the ruling party’s constitution, it’s actually not allowed for a woman to become Vice President but plans are being made to amend that.

Damn! Now that’s what you literally call a coup de Grace.

Ladies, get you a man that will move mountains and constitutions for you like Mugabe and stop settling for trashy men like Saga.

Shhh! My girlfriend reads Rounds ffs.

Eeya, poor thing. But really though, why can’t one Zimbabwean take one for the team and you know, JFK this guy?

They don’t have the liver, and that’s cos they probably can’t afford it. When ordinary bread is like 5 million Zimbabwean dollars.

I’m thinking of going there for like a week. With my nysc allowee alone I’ll probably be able to buy an island and two private jets or something.

Lmao. You’re foolish and I’m here to tell you. Moving on please…

 

***

Qatar Airways Plane Forced to Land

Women keep breaking boundaries daily, love it!

Just when you thought assertions like “I’ll love you to the sky and back” held water.

It’s “to the moon and back” bruh.

I can see you’re in bastard mode today. I said what I said!

With your full chest, and that’s actually ok. Do carry on.

A Qatar Airways plane has been forced to land midflight after a woman who used her sleeping husband’s thumb to unlock his smartphone discovered he was having an affair.

Security of property still remains a challenge in marriages, I mean why on earth is she fiddling through his phone?

They were in the sky bruh, not on earth, must be why.

So she took his entire thumb while he slept and unlocked his phone.

Descendants of Jezebel tbh.

The couple and their child were flying to Bali, Indonesia, for a holiday.

She couldn’t just focus on the holiday, nah, she had to channel her inner Shaniqua.

She repeatedly hit her husband after learning of his infidelity and the captain was forced to make an unscheduled stop in Chennai, India, when the cabin crew was unable to restore order.

“The woman and her husband, along with their child, were offloaded and the flight departed for Bali.”

In the end, no holiday and just an entire public scene because of ordinary cheating.

I thought we all agreed that men are scum. Wonder what she saw in his phone tho.

Our correspondent informed us that it was probably a couple of nudes and some undeleted conversations, most likely.

You guys never learn. DELETE! DELETE!! DELETE!!!

And if you use an iPhone, DELETE FROM DELETED! THEN DELETE FROM THE CLOUD!! AND THEN DESTROY THE GADDEM PHONE!!!

We need to take a class on this.

Agreed. It is essential to the culture.

Watch this space.

But really though, how do you waste everyone’s money, and more importantly, time, just so you could satisfy your burning rage? Because of ordinary side chick?

Selfish, yeah? But hell hath no fury…

Damn right.

Smh…moving on please.

 

***

Burundi orders all unmarried couples to wed in two months

Burundi is rarely ever in international news, right?

Yeah, I mean if you’re gonna show up, show awff, right?

Fair enough!

That gives you a month to meet their parents, fight, fuck, taste their food, get accused of looking at someone else, go on a break and then reunite to propose and plan the wedding.

Yup. Issa plan.

All unmarried couples in Burundi now have less than two months to wed, failure to which they will face punishment that includes jail term.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I really love this. I mean, you can’t just think you can be doing Methuselah on top dating.

Burundi treating marriage as a project now. Best! This is in line with a controversial law signed by President Pierre Nkurunziza in May 2017 on creating a “more moral Burundian society”.

Mugabeans, take note.

Speaking to Al Jazeera, Burundi’s Minister for Human Rights Martin Nivyabandi warned that couples who will not have married by the end of 2017 will be charged in court.

Am I the only one seeing the irony here? Minister for Human Rights?

HAHAHAHAHHA…these jokes write themselves ma nigga.

“After December punishment will be carried out towards those families who will not be legally married…If they don’t respect the law some of them will be taken to court and jailed,” said Nivyabandi.

Imagine getting sentenced because you refused to get married.

Fam, Imma break up when it’s like one month 29 days, and then we can reunite and start afresh.

Ah! Sounds like a plan.

 

***

Lagos ranked world’s second cheapest city

Did I read that right or it’s a typo?

You sure did.

I mean Lagos is a cheap city?

Said no one who lives there. But I guess for the foreigners who go around looking for economies to devour, Lagos is apparently a fertile ground.

According to a report by the Economic Intelligence Unit (whoever they are), it states that Lagos is the 2nd cheapest city in the world behind Kazakhstan…for expatriates.

Well duhh…ever since the slump in global oil prices the naira has been shit compared to other currencies so it’s understandable. But who that one epp?

As in! The sad reality is that hasn’t in any way affected the pockets of the common man. They say Nigeria has been attracting foreign investors yet all they’ve done is milk us dry.

Like! The economists say we’re out of recession but it hasn’t reflected in the lives of the masses. The cost of goods are still high and average incomes are still low. The poor are getting poorer and the rich are getting richer.

Speaking of the rich getting richer, EFCC has traced N950m to two former governors of Kogi and Taraba.

Sigh! Yes.N500m was traced to former Governor of Kogi state Idris Wada while N450m was traced to former acting Governor of Taraba, Sani Danladi.

These funds were apparently part of the N23bn disbursed by her royal theftiness Diezani Alison-Madueke through the then Director of Finance of the Goodluck Jonathan Campaign Organisation, Senator Nenadi Usman.

Ugh! Like Wada fuck?! These guys really need to rot in hell.

It’s obvious they neither have a conscience nor…

 

***

Morals

And once again we’ve come to the end of another lit episode of ROUNDS.

Awww. Why do all good things come to an end?

Haha…I see what you did there Nelly, not Furtado.

I knew you would catch it. What did we learn this week though?

First of all, we learnt that you can bring out facts and figures to back up your conclusion on your research…

And Nigerians will still reject the results of the tests you do because once they use words like “unempirical” and “discountenanced” everyone will start nodding.

*nods* It’s true.

Then we learnt that a good president leaves an inheritance in government for his family.

And that anyone who tries to stop you must be eliminated even if it’s literally his or her entitlement.

Then we learnt that when you’re cheating on your wife…

Only communicate with your girl by raven.

That’s actually better than what I was gonna say man that’s fool proof.

She’ll still find the responses that the raven will bring under your pillow case cos you people don’t learn.

Then we learnt that in some African countries it takes only 2 months to plan a wedding.

Their human rights minister listened to Beyoncé and decided that if you like it you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO put a ring on it like RIGHT NOW!

Nigga was really like “I give you people two months or I throw you in jail” now that’s some gangsta shit, no lie.

Anyway, for our readers in Burundi, we already gave you the solution.

You’re all welcome.

And last, but not least, we learnt that since the naira has lost value like a neighbourhood prostitute, Lagos is now the 2nd most attractive city for expatriates to come and fuck in the ass.

But for we the residents, it remains hell on earth. I mean look at this

We will survive fam.

And that’s it from us people!

We KNOW we’ll see you here next week. We kinda have you hooked on this shit, don’t we?

Till then, we wish you peace, love and laughter.

We also wish you would share this good shit with your folks.

That’d be nice.

That’s all folks, later!

 

 

***

Culled from:

  • The guardian
  • citizens

Responses

  1. Oluwabunmi
    You guys always make my Sunday 😂😂😂
    Seriously Rounds is probably like the best thing on the internet !!
    Nelly is gradually turning out to be my favorite person on rounds, sorry SAGA 😜
  2. Aced
    And it was yet another Lit Round.

    Please I have some people (Grown ass men) i’ll like to Deport or Export to Burundi, what’s on procedure again?

  3. Aced
    And it was yet another Lit Round.

    Please I have some people (Grown ass men) i’ll like to Deport or Export to Burundi, what’s the procedure again?

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