Rounds Week 46: On Mugabe’s coup, Whistleblowing Hazards, Leaked Presidential VNs, and more.

Rounds

The world is at it again this week, with it’s ridiculousness. As it is wont to be. Trust Nelly, Saga, Sirkastiq and Terdoo to bring you the most outlandish shit they could find.

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Good morning ladies!!

And gentlemen…

That’s where they’ll see you.

Welcome to ROUNDS, people.

Your favorite thing to read on the Internet.

So this week we’re going to dive right into it.

But before we do, we want to take a minute out to give quadruple tuale to all the members of the Nigerian squad for their performance against Argentina on Tuesday.

Bet every Argentinian wants 2-4 get that this happened.

I heard Aguero fainted at half time.

How…wait for it…un 4-2 nate.

LMAO! You’re better than that, Terdoo.

Is he?

But look at the nature of this comeback though.

Smh. You people are always distracted.

Party pooper.

Let people enjoy things.

Enjoy these headlines, damn.

Fine fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ROUNDS.

 

***

The Headlines

 

The End of an Era

Or is it?

 

Look before you lip

A tale of a general and his oral diarrhea

 

In Nigeria Today

More local Ls.

Courtesy your respective MCMs

 

Whistleblowing hazards

Why too much money may not be good for your mental health

Details below

 

***

The End of an Era

It’s been a hard week for Mugabe.

After all the things he did for you Zimbabweans, this is the thanks he gets?

It be your own niggas fam.

Remember how last week we reported that Mugabe sacked his Vice President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, so he could make way for Grace Mugabe to succeed him?

Paving the way for his generation to make this presidency thing a family business.

Well, things have escalated just a little bit since that happened.

Turns out, the military didn’t take that shit lightly.

They…literally came out guns blazing!!

Well well, guess Gucci Grace’s greed has become her undoing.

Uhm…alright, Enid Blyton.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a coup currently ongoing in the United States of Zimbabwe.

*crowd gasps*

Gasp you should. I mean they came on air to say it wasn’t a coup.

They were pretty specific about it, like

“Ladies and gentlemen. We know it looks like a coup. But it’s not. Okay? Chill, y’all. We just talking…with guns. You know how it is man… Just chill, alright? Big bruh South Africa, we good?”

No really guys, we can’t make this up. Zanu PF (the main political party in Zimbabwe) was popping off on their Twitter page, trying to keep the peace.

Right. They were also quick to add…

Just in case…

This was shortly before they passed a vote of no confidence for Mugabe. All ten provinces…

Basically meaning he has been legally impeached.

While all of this was still going on, the military was really like yeah we’re ready to negotiate with the president.

“This was not intended as a coup — it was a conversation, punctuated with firearms, to get the president to listen,”

Well the whole world is listening. And we don’t like what we’re hearing.

For example, this coup has been ongoing since…what? Monday?

Tuesday, I believe.

And today is Sunday. We haven’t heard the last of it.

I mean, didn’t they teach you in Coup 101 that you don’t allow a coup drag for more than 24 hours?

Standard military procedure. Obasanjo needs to take this class.

Meanwhile, Mugabe has really not been acting like anything is going on.

How do you mean?

Well, since the coup started, and since he has been placed on house arrest, he has made two public appearances.

True. Didn’t he attend one graduation ceremony like that?

Yep. Even slept off again in public.

Literally 30 minutes after he arrived. Showed up at 11am, fell asleep at 11:30am.

He’s just resting his eyes. Managing a coup is hard work.

This their slow motion coup sef na wa.

I’m grateful for the resistance though. Mans can’t keep having his way in 2017.

They said people took to the streets to rejoice when the coup was announced.

Hmmm. Does that remind you of anything? Or anyone?

Keep moving. Nothing to see here…

Same people that cheered when they saw him at the graduation ceremony? Africans don’t even know what they want.

My own is they should sha conduct free and fair elections after all of this is done. Because it’s looking like Mugabe will use the fact that they’re trying to make the coup as peaceful as possible to his benefit and drag it out till it dissipates.

I have a feeling Emmerson Mnangagwa would win if elections are conducted.

What’s wrong with that?

Well, Mnangagwa seems to be just as bad as Mugabe. Only with a different first name and surname. I mean, he has been Vice President all this time. What makes you think he’s any different?

Well,Mugabe ruled for 30 years. Maybe Mnangagwa will rule for just 20 and hand over power.

Ah well, baby steps.

In all of this, one man’s concerns stand out.

Sad.

We will be sure to keep you updated as the story unfolds.

Moving on…

 

***

Look Before You Lip

This country is finished.

We feel like we owe you this weekly reminder.

Just in case you want to be foolish and have hope in this country.

Okay so here’s the scoop. Back in September last year, following a directive from the UN, PMB approved a contract of $1.4m for the relocation and refurbishment of a Level 2 Ministry Hospital for the United Nation’s Multidimensional Integrated Stabilisation Mission in Mali.

And then later in November, there was supposedly another approval by PMB for the same contract, but this time for $1m. (Basically a UN level 2 hospital is a surgical facility for limited surgical capabilities and about 18 of these hospitals are being operated by troop/police-contributing countries).

Weird, right? Okay fast forward to February this year, the contract was awarded by the Ministry of Defence to one Opems Integrated Concepts Ltd for $1m with a two-month execution period deadline ending in April.

But knowing fully well the country we’ve been forced to call home, it should come as no surprise that not only was the job not done as at April, Nigeria also missed the August deadline for the relocation of the hospital.

Apparently the original amount had been shared by some people at the MOD, including the Minister of Defence, Rtd Brigadier-General Mansur Dan-Ali and Lym Hassan, while the dubious contract was created as a cover up and awarded to Opems.

And since the project wasn’t ready as at the deadline, Hassan was sent to go and supervise the project and it was in the process that he requested $600,000 bribe from Opems.

Wait, what for?

Beats me. And when he was asked if he wasn’t afraid of PMB’s anti-corruption war, he said, “If the President queries us, we will eliminate him”. But unknown to him he was being recorded.

Lmao. Ironically he’s the coordinator of peace keeping at the ministry of defence.

Bruhhh!!! Nigeria is the Game of Thrones of countries when it comes to corruption.

Valar Criminalis baby. All men must steal.

In my opinion though, he’s just being used as a scapegoat. I mean who recorded him? The whole thing needs to be investigated thoroughly.

You act like you don’t know your country. This will be buried under the carpet as usual. And isn’t it ironic how PMB’s government has experienced as many corruption scandals as GEJ’s?

Haven’t we established by now that this whole government is nothing but a scam?

You’d think by now people would have learnt not to give us money in Nigeria.

And really why is someone being court-martialled for threatening to eliminate PMB? Isn’t that what we all wa…

Heyy!! Slow down tiger. Let’s move on to the next news before someone records you saying shit too.

 

***

In Nigeria Today…

So a lot has gone on this week…

Trust us to bring it to our loyal Roundabouts.

Man, the gist is plenty oh…

Let’s even start with the more palatable news.

First and Foremost, while they were planning his retirement via voice note, we wish to announce that President Muhammadu Buhari is now Ochioha NdiIgbo 1.

That’s Chief Muhammadu Buhari to you, plebeian.

I’m more concerned with the last name of person who conferred this title upon him. I mean he couldn’t use Richard?

Smh. You are such a Richard.

But that’s not even what we wanted to bring your way this morning.

Your MCMs in Onitsha gave us a solid L as a nation this week.

Wow.

Yeah, they legit said if you don’t give us money, we’re not voting for you.

Bruh. I’m actually tired. They’re claiming it as if it’s their right. What is left of this country?

I see what you did there.

It is actually mind-blowing to witness. One of them was like…

“We won’t vote for anybody if they don’t give us money. Why should I vote? I have been unemployed for eight years now as a graduate. So, if they don’t give me money I won’t vote for anybody and I’m not alone in this decision. That is the resolve of most youths here.”

Your MCM, ladies.

Somebody that went to school. Demanding money to exercise your civic duty.

LOL! Somebody whose duty is to his stomach? Okay…

But that’s not even the worst thing that we witnessed this week.

Yeah. Roll tape please…

Yeah people, you read that right.

So the governor was like “We’re facing real challenges in our schools.  Our neighbors in Kaduna just found out that their teachers can’t teach jack shit. How do we tackle this problem of education in our state. Wait. I know! Live goats for all the girls.”

And I bet all his aides were cheering him on. “Yeah nigga, they gon call you the GOAT for this. Chevon suya for everybody!”

We have a major problem in this country. And there is no part of the nation that isn’t currently falling hands.

Thank God for the Nigerian football team ey?

Grateful for small blessings. Moving on…

 

***

Whistleblowing Hazards

You know those times when you usually wish you had mad money.

That kind of money you’ll receive and start to eat nylon.

Or those times when you pray for the volcano of wealth to erupt and cover you and your family.

LMAO!! Nigga what?

Don’t we all pray for that?

Err…no. Only mentally unstable people like you.

Smh. No wonder NYSC didn’t pay you your allowee on time.

Speaking of being mentally unstable, you guys remember the Ikoyi building where bastard money was found earlier this year?

Since the money had no father…or owner, you get?

Apparently the whistleblower that led to the discovery of the money was entitled to a reward of N860m but hasn’t been paid till date because the government is afraid he’s not mentally stable enough to receive such an amount. In the words of Itse Sagay, Chairman, Presidential Advisory Committee Against Corruption (PACAC),

“What I gathered from my inquiry is that the man is not sufficiently stable to receive such a huge sum of money. He is like someone who will almost run mental when he gets the money and will use it in an irresponsible manner, attracting not only undesirable people but even danger to himself,”

Wait. Did you know that the circumference of a circle is red?

What?!

Sorry. I think I’m running mad on his behalf already. N860m???? Just for doing referee work??

Lmao. You’re just a fool and the worst part is you’re broke on top. Just mad in vain.

Ode. They no dey use truth abuse person.

Sorry boo. But really, just imagine, after blowing whistle jeje, still no money.

Like! Imagine depriving a man of his hard-earned money, after using all his throat to blow such a whistle. Mans probably lost his voice after blowing that whistle.

Good thing his lawyer hasn’t lost his voice and spoke up on his behalf.

Suddenly they care about our mental health? When all they’ve done is drive us mad government after government.

He said the government is trying to provide the whistleblower with counsellors and consultants that will help him plan on how to invest the money.

Who send them??? What’s their business if he wants to spend everything on hoes and go into agriculture?

I’m just tired of this country. They’ll owe teachers, owe doctors and owe whistleblower again.

No profession is secure in this country except politics fam.

Let it be known that we at Rounds stand with him.

And we pray for the speedy reception of the alarm.

Alarm?

For that amount we can’t call it alert again you know, gats be alarm.

Ugh. I’m done with you.

And we are done with this episode. It’s time to serve up the…

 

***

Morals

Once again, we’ve come to the saddest part of the show.

Yeah we know you never like to see us go but we have to.

Not without leaving you with wise words to abide by this week though.

First of all, we learnt that in 2017, if you’re going to execute a coup, you gotta do it right.

Lesson one: you can’t let it last for over a day.

Show up on TV like “Yeah, we taking over this joint. Elections will be held next week. Meanwhile, how do you steer this thing?”

Also, take over the social media. This is 2017 fam.

Remember, this is no really a coup.

Just an illusion of a coup.

Remember the good ol’ days? Where you could rule a nation until you die?

Good ol’ days…

Smh. You really can’t be a dictator in 2017. The world has moved way past that.

Next we learnt that corruption and Nigeria are Siamese twins joined together at the heart.

And that next time if you’re going to threaten to kill a President, sign language would be better.

Then we learnt that the only thing we have to be proud of in Nigeria is the fact that our National team consists of ballers!

Asides that, we should all go hang our heads in shame.

When our youths, in what is assumed to be one of the most educated parts of the country, are making statements like this…

Shame.

Also, we learnt that instead of giving the children in your state a proper education…

Give them goats.

That will definitely secure their future.

To be fair to that governor, he’s not the first to do some absolutely dumb shit. Benue state gave their youths wheelbarrows.

I don’t know why “Push it” by Rick Ross started playing in my head.

Edo state also gave youths keke tyres.

Wait. Just tyres? Not the full keke?

Precisely.

Damn.

Kano state gave ₦208 mil worth of noodles, egg and tea items…

Wow. It would actually have been better to just dash out that money.

I mean. The country is screwed. It’s not today…

We also learnt that the government only cares about your mental health when it involves them paying you big money.

And that if you don’t want madness to befall you, don’t blow whistle in Nigeria.

That’s all for this week.

See you guys next week.

Same time, same place, same people.

Be sure to share this greatness with your friends. Until we catch you next time we wish you peace, love and laughter.

Later y’all!

 

***

Culled from:

  • Express.co.uk
  • Today.ng

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