Rounds Week 46: On Trumps Lawsuits, Kanye West, Talking Parrots And More

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Terdoh: Good morning people Sirkastiq: Donald Trump is the President-Elect. Terdoh: Way to go. Now look, you’ve upset everyone. Sirkastiq: No point sugar coating it. Terdoh: Well at least he has already started nominating people for his cabinet. Sirkastiq: Looking your way sir… Terdoh: But ‘Muricah though. You people replaced this… Sirkastiq: With this…?  …

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Terdoh: Good morning people

Sirkastiq: Donald Trump is the President-Elect.

Terdoh: Way to go. Now look, you’ve upset everyone.

Sirkastiq: No point sugar coating it.

Terdoh: Well at least he has already started nominating people for his cabinet.

Sirkastiq: Looking your way sir…

3137844_buhari15

Terdoh: But ‘Muricah though. You people replaced this…

f32795fb0045dfbfb8f5df9f8ea4b2a7

Sirkastiq: With this…?

 

Do we really need to load the rest of the picture?

 

Terdoh: Ugh.

Sirkastiq: We’re going to miss Bizzle.

Terdoh: Speaking of Obama, in his last days in office, he has been turning the duck up in the WH.

Sirkastiq: I mean take a look at this…

Terdoh: Madness. Don’t you just want to be a black president?

Sirkastiq: Man, I can’t wait for that book.

Terdoh: Meanwhile, you people have till January 20th to come back, in peace.

Sirkastiq: After which President-elect, will just be…President.

Terdoh: Selah.

Sirkastiq: Let us begin…

***

In Nigeria Today…

Sirkastiq: Ayyy, something good is happening.

Terdoh: LOL! Well…

Sirkastiq: Okay, so the Nigerian military is using Innoson.

Terdoh: And you people will say that social media isn’t powerful. Yet Ben Bruce made you people #BuyTheNairaToGrowTheNaira. MVP.

Sirkastiq: Thank you Uncle Ben.

Terdoh: But for real though, the government is now using indigenous vehicles to fight terrorism.

Sirkastiq: Step in all the right directions.

Terdoh: After a lot of assurance of course, that “this one? This one no fit somasort!”

Sirkastiq: Yep! Sold!

Terdoh: I’m actually pretty optimistic about that.

Sirkastiq: Speaking on more general national affairs, there’s a couple things you guys should already know…

Terdoh: But just in case you don’t.

Sirkastiq: We gatchu, we gatchu…

Terdoh: See, there’s a couple mil that has been filed through accounts. There’s 200 mil (each) from the Edo state House of Assembly that’s supposed to go into…buying houses for…former…state governors.

Sirkastiq: As per, the ones that have finished eating, and it has digested, let them come back and eat again.

Terdoh: Pig out fam. 200 a pop.

Sirkastiq: And if you were an ex governor, you aren’t left out. I mean you obviously did a lot of work too.

Terdoh: Exhausting, really…

Sirkastiq: So you get 100 mil. Go get a crib.

Terdoh: Oh, and there’s the 3.6 billion used to buy cars for the members of House of reps.

Sirkastiq: 6 gear stick baby.

Terdoh: That…sounded wrong.

Sirkastiq: All of this does, bruh. All of this does.

Terdoh: And still…

Sirkastiq: Remember this exchange rate. You will need it soon.

Terdoh: Now, there was this rumor going round that the FG will be pumping 2.4 billion dollars

Sirkastiq: …dollars oh…

Terdoh: …into the economy.

Sirkastiq: *produces incredibly long calculus from sack*

Terdoh: As usual, when the time came for stating exact figures in terms of allocation of funds, they followed up with vague statements like

“It is being processed and I know that no state will get less than N20bn from the money that is coming.”

-Speaker of the House of Representatives, Yakunu Dogara. 2016.

Sirkastiq: Because specific figures are too much of a chore.

Terdoh: Sigh…

Sirkastiq: My country.

Terdoh: Beloved, the jokes write themselves.

Sirkastiq: Moving on…

 

***

Trump

Terdoh: As usual, Mr. Mirinda is in the news again.

Sirkastiq: You see, the worst thing about Trump’s administration might be the insane amount of fake news that is constantly being propagated by the media…

Terdoh: Even by the President-elect himself.

Sirkastiq: Especially by the President-elect himself.

Terdoh: Anyway, Trump, in a bid to do some house cleaning, is currently settling all three fraud lawsuits his ‘University’ was facing.

Sirkastiq: Apparently, alumni of the school had complained that they didn’t gain any super powers at the school. Because the school had promised to show them how to get rich quick.

Terdoh: And they was still dirt broke.

Sirkastiq: So they sued.

Terdoh: Although Trump’s lawyers had countered for years that many students had given the program a thumbs-up and those who failed to succeed had only themselves to blame…

Sirkastiq: …guess who the presiding judge of the case was?

The presiding judge for both suits was Gonzalo Curiel, whom Trump famously insulted during the campaign by saying that his Mexican heritage should disqualify him from the cases because Trump wanted to build a wall on the Mexican border.

-Vox, 2016.

Terdoh: Now Trump has to pay $21 million to those students.

Sirkastiq: Change. The secretary of the KKK can sign that check.

Terdoh: In other Trump news, he’s said he wants to push out 2/3 million illegal immigrants.

Sirkastiq: I didn’t even know they were that many.

Terdoh: LOL! It’s the people with criminal records that will first go.

Sirkastiq: LOL! Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary. You people said no. Because of small yahoo yahoo.

Terdoh: Now look.

Sirkastiq: All of you are coming home like Puff.

13026761_800_800

Terdoh: All I wanna know is if they’ve given Trump his Twitter back.

Sirkastiq: If they have they should collect it again please.

Terdoh: The man is making journalists work overtime, LOL!

Sirkastiq: And every time you go through his TL, you ask yourself the same question:

Who would have voted for this man?

 

***

Kanye

Terdoh: Oh, and speaking of, guess who could have, but didn’t vote?

Sirkastiq: LOL! A black god cannot be voting for orange men.

Terdoh: More like Ignant Level: Critical.

Sirkastiq: Because not only did he look stupid as shit publicly saying he didn’t vote…

Terdoh: He said if he wuddov, he wuddov voted for Orange massa.

Sirkastiq: As opposed to Empty Inbox massa.

Terdoh: First of all, why announce that you could have done something, but you didn’t?

Sirkastiq: We’re looking your way too, Mr. Knee Pads…

Terdoh: After all that kneeling fam you couldn’t stamp one thumb?

Sirkastiq: America is like one long Boondocks skit, to be honest.

Terdoh: Trump is Ed Wuncler I.

Sirkastiq: You saw it here first.

Terdoh: And Kanye was over there giving him neck…

Sirkastiq: We talking deep tissue massage.

*slurp*

-Kanye. On Trump’s genitals.

Terdoh: Ye was at this gig in San Jose where he said he would have voted for Trump, if he had voted.

Sirkastiq: You know that SEO ‘bout to be lit.

Terdoh: Now when you google Trump, Kanye’s name might pop out.

Sirkastiq: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you stay wealthy in the modern society.

Terdoh: Kanye knows that all he needs to do is get Chance (and maybe Desiigner to adlib) in the studio with him and we will forgive him.

Sirkastiq: But for now let’s just keep the buzz going.

Terdoh: That’s all it is people. That’s all.

Sirkastiq: Still a stupid ass thing to say though.

Terdoh: And do, to be honest.

Sirkastiq: You and your wife that’s…genetically, impossible? to have should GTFO.

Terdoh: Kim gets all these shots thrown at her for no reason.

Sirkastiq: For better for Kanye.

Terdoh: Black artists out here falling mad hendz. First B.O.B. said the world was flat. Then Lil’ Wayne, and now this…

Sirkastiq: LOL! See, why won’t you people understand that Kanye always has to be on what he believes is the winning side?

Terdoh: Ignant. One very long Boondocks skit, I tell you.

 

***

Man-In-Goat

 

Sirkastiq: Not everytime Isi-ewu, sometimes ike-ewu.

Terdoh: LOL…I know isiewu means goat head.

Sirkastiq: Well then deciphering this shouldn’t be a problem.

Terdoh: HAHAHAHA!

Sirkastiq: For the safety of the goat and to protect it from societal discrimination, we have decided to not put up its picture.

Terdoh: Also, because the victim goat died after the session.

Sirkastiq: And by the way, this story is not from Kenya.

Terdoh: Ladies and Gentlemen, journey with us to Irun Akoko, Akoko North-West Local Government Area of Ondo State.

Sirkastiq: Where a man identified as Afolabi Bamidele was caught allegedly having sex with a goat.

Terdoh: Because pussy is too mainstream.

Sirkastiq: HAHAHAHAHA…I swear I see what you did there, you piece of shit.

Terdoh: Mr Afolabi had lured the goat into the bush and started having sex with it.

Sirkastiq: We must state that there were no pre-sex dinners or gifts as nothing to indicate such was found at the scene of the crime.

Terdoh: Couldn’t even woo the goat properly.

Sirkastiq: Meh.

Terdoh: Couldn’t pass it up huh?

Sirkastiq: Nope.

Terdoh: We still don’t know what the gender of the goat is.

Sirkastiq: Wow. That went dark quickly…

Terdoh: Afolabi was however caught in the act by someone who went into the bush to take a dump.

Sirkastiq: LOL.homie went to shit and probably ended up shitting his pants when he saw what was going on.

After the sex, he brought out a handkerchief to clean up his semen from the goat’s vagina when he was caught by somebody who called others to see what happened.

Terdoh: Disgusting. I…didn’t even know goats had vaginas.

Sirkastiq: Well, some have two legs and walk in our midst so yeah.

Terdoh: You’re really rude you know?

Sirkastiq: You are talking? You?

Terdoh: Shh. Let’s move on.

 

***

Parrot reveals husband’s affair with housemaid to wife

Terdoh: You gotta teach your parrots to shut up.

Sirkastiq: That’s the key to long life and prosperity for real.

Terdoh: Cos these birds will snitch on yo ass in the blink of an eye.

Sirkastiq: A parrot landed its owner in hot water after accidentally exposing a husband’s affair with the housekeeper in front of his wife.

Terdoh: Nothing accidental about it to be honest, these snitches know what they doing.

Sirkastiq: The pesky bird began repeated the conversations the man was having with his lover, causing his wife to be suspicious.

Terdoh: When they say get dogs, you people will say no. Shey you’ve seen now?

Sirkastiq: All the wife needed to do was put two and two together, jump to some certain conclusions and BOOM! Love affair exposed!

Terdoh: The couple live in Kuwait where adultery is illegal, and so the wife marched to police with the parrot as evidence.

Sirkastiq: HAHAHAHA…snitch ass bird.

Terdoh: Luckily for her spouse, they rejected it on the basis that the bird could have overheard the sweet nothings on the TV or radio.

Sirkastiq: No one is going to tell the man to get rid of the parrot now.

Terdoh: Wring its neck and tell your wife it committed suicide.

Sirkastiq: Couldn’t take the guilt of its own snitching.

Terdoh: Or wife will come back home one day and discover the parrot dropped a note saying he’s returning to his people.

 

***

Terdoh: Okay. So we have exhausted our quota for the week.

Sirkastiq: We would give you the moral lessons though. You know…

Terdoh: But we were feeling mighty lazy, how about we let you guys do that.

Sirkastiq: So yeah, please use the comment box, and tell us what you got from this week’s episode.

Terdoh: See, we love you guys that have been commenting. You have no idea!

Sirkastiq: Join us same time next week for another edition of Rounds, people.

Terdoh: Later y’all.

 

***

Culled from:

  • ynaija.com
  • mashable.com
  • Vox.com

Responses

  1. Molara
    Really 1st. Wowzer. As usual, your sarcastic wit got me lmao. Really loved this line”pussy was too mainstream”& the parrot not taking d guilt of its snitching is just lit. Anyway, the moral I got is, impossible does not exist. All manner of shit happens daily now.Good job guys.
  2. wetty fap
    first we learnt that hashtags are really important tools these days, case in point; #BuyNaijaToGrowTheNaira.
    And if you can’t be a governor today, invest in a governor. Endless returns. free business tip.
    Yalls MCM didn’t vote, but appeared in public to say he could have voted Mirinda. Choose your MCMs wisely. BLM

    Ondo people taking the L week for the week. Kenya people gotta be jealous for a minute. Sunshine state people getting too much pussy, opting for goats now.

    Talking about animals, get you a pet that is relatively incomprehensible vocally like dogs, cats if you are in cheating game. These birds ain’t loyal. first it was the penguins, now parrots.
    Selah

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