Rounds Week 49: On Yahya Rescinding, Falcons Winning, Ghanaian Embassies, Dettol Pastors and more.

Rounds

Terdoh: Good morning people! Sirkastiq: It’s almost Christmas. God is good. Terdoh: The tailors really came out this week with the numerous story-telling threads on Twitter. Sirkastiq: But we chose to duck and weave through that shit. Terdoh: This week’s episode is very Africa-centered. Sirkastiq: There’s enough bat-shit crazy going on around our borders apparently.…

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Terdoh: Good morning people!

Sirkastiq: It’s almost Christmas. God is good.

Terdoh: The tailors really came out this week with the numerous story-telling threads on Twitter.

Sirkastiq: But we chose to duck and weave through that shit.

Terdoh: This week’s episode is very Africa-centered.

Sirkastiq: There’s enough bat-shit crazy going on around our borders apparently.

Terdoh: Our leaders, spiritual and political, stay falling hends.

Sirkastiq: In foreign news, Trump didn’t attack the media this week.

Terdoh: Wanna bet?

Sirkastiq: I guess I spoke too soon.

Terdoh: Bruh. If he can put Ben Carson in charge of the projects, he can do anything.

Sirkatsiq: Oh yeah, that actually happened.

Terdoh: The world is coming to an end.

Sirkastiq: So let us begin…

***

The Headlines

 

Step Down For Wut?

Liar Jammeh rescinds

Somehow, we’re surprised

 

“We didn’t expect Falcons to win”

Your Sports Minister,

Ladies and Gentlemen

 

Ghana uncovers fake US embassy

That issued authentic visas

Chale, we hail oh!

 

What Happens When You Don’t Blow, Vol 1

Nope, not a threat to trumpeters

Not a tutorial for suicide bombers either

 

“Pastor” makes members drink Dettol

For healing

Only In Africa

 

Details inside…

 

Step Down For Wut?

Terdoh: Remember last week when we brought you the good Gambian news that Yahya (not Toure) Jammeh had conceded defeat to Adamah Barrow.

Sirkastiq: And we were all happy nshit.

Terdoh: Well, it seems Yahya thought about it…

Sirkastiq: And Yahya was like…mmmnaw.

guy-waking-up-startled

When you’re an African president and you’re about to step down from power.

Terdoh: LOL! He legit got on TV and made an announcement on Friday where he had some news for y’all.

After a thorough investigation, I have decided to reject the outcome of the recent election. I lament serious and unacceptable abnormalities which have reportedly transpired during the electoral process,

Sirkastiq: Y’all Gambians better go out and vote again. Jammeh ain’t stepping down easy.

Terdoh: This is probably gonna cause some unrest.

Sirkastiq: Positive vibes. Positive vibes.

Terdoh: You should have told that to Jammeh.

Sirkastiq: Well you would panic too if your administration has been on some corrupt bullshit tip and the new rulers are vowing to prosecute you.

Terdoh: LMAO! Within a year too.

Sirkastiq: Like they’re not even giving you any breathing space to pack your things and move to Switzerland where all your accounts are.

Terdoh: Nope.

He will be prosecuted. I’m saying a year but it could be less than that. This is my personal opinion – it might have taken three months because we really want to really work fast.

We don’t trust him. The longer we leave him, the more possibilities he has to leave the country, to escape from the country and to even do an insurgency. He is capable. The man is capable. In Kanilai, he has bunkers. I have reliable sources that [say that] he has bunkers. I have been reliably informed that he has treasure in Kanilai, he’s sitting on treasure, on gold as they say.

  • Jallow-Tambajang, architect of the coalition and a senior politician considered the mother of the nation.”

Sirkastiq: What I wanna know is why anyone would tell their ‘enemy’ their next move.

Terdoh: Real Gs move in silence like gnomes.

Sirkastiq: Anyway Yammeh had a few recommendations for you guys…

I recommend fresh and transparent elections which will be officiated by a god-fearing and independent electoral commission.

Terdoh: Seems legit.

Sirkastiq: We await the outcome of these free and fair elections…

Terdoh: …and recommend that Goodluck make some necessary phone calls.

Sirkastiq: I mean, you’re still eyeing that peace ambassador role, right?

Terdoh: Make it happen.

Sirkastiq: Screw you, Jammeh.

Terdoh: Screw you.

Sirkastiq: Moving on…

 

***

“We didn’t expect Falcons to win”

Sirkastiq: It don’t get no better than Nigerian leaders in press.

Terdoh: Okay so Solomon Dalung put his quintessential namesake to shame on Thursday.

Sirkastiq: Namesake? I don’t know anybody named Dalung.

Terdoh: LOL! You…actually do. That’s what my girl calls me.

Sirkastiq: Hi five please.

*hi-five break*

Terdoh: Mr. Solomon Dalung…LOL…on Thursday said that they didn’t expect the Falcons to win.

Sirkastiq: His words were something along the lines of:

Super Falcons winning the African Women’s Cup of Nations (AWCON) trophy last Saturday, took the government by surprise as proper arrangements were not made.

Terdoh: In other words…

You remember that big money we promised you we would give you if you won? Well, that was a big if

Sirkastiq: Someone needs to put everyone in the sports sector in a sack race and make them work for their money…or start all over again.

Terdoh: How do you send your soldiers out to battle hoping that they will lose so you don’t have to pay them.

Sirkastiq: After they’ve worked their hearts out and smashed through all other African women and made us proud.

Terdoh: Like it’s so bad how this was represented. Instead of the headlines to read “Falcons bring home African Women’s Cup of Nations trophy”, we’re telling them “Oh, we didn’t expect you to play so well, ehya”

Sirkastiq: The victorious female footballers expressed their disappointment in Abuja on Wednesday as they seized the trophy and refused to vacate their hotel rooms.

Terdoh: Girl power woo!

Sirkastiq: They would never do this to the Super Eagles though. They will go and find the money.

Terdoh: Well, they better.

Sirkastiq: Instead of the credit alert to be waiting for them in the locker room.

Terdoh: Nigeria, you disgrace us.

Sirkastiq: Fix up, please.

 

***

Ghana uncovers fake US embassy

Terdoh: Real.

Sirkastiq: Well, so were the passports.

Terdoh: Ghanaian authorities have busted a scam US embassy operated by a criminal network that issued US visas for a decade.

Sirkastiq: Oluwole boys gotta stand up and give props.

Terdoh: The fake US embassy in the capital, Accra, was housed in a run-down two-storey building until it was shut down earlier this year.

Sirkastiq: Apparently there was a US flag that flew outside the building and a President Barack Obama portrait hung inside the office.

Terdoh: Seems legit!

It was not operated by the United States government, but by figures from both Ghanaian and Turkish organized crime rings and a Ghanaian attorney practicing immigration and criminal law, the State Department said in a statement released on Friday, December 2.

Sirkastiq: Awon boys issued illegally obtained but authentic US visas and other documents at a cost of $6,000 each (we’re not gonna do any conversion. Our hearts can’t take it), but the US State Department did not say how the ring got hold of original US government documents.

Terdoh: It’s Africa Magic. Tune in.

Sirkastiq: We don’t know how many people used these tickets to travel fam.

Terdoh: Does it matter? Who go travel go travel.

Sirkastiq: These criminals had obviously paid government officials to do the unlooking mannequin challenge.

Terdoh: And those ones were overdoing it until they just couldn’t take it anymore.

Sirkastiq: Probably because nobody was coming to the real US Embassy.

screen-shot-2016-12-11-at-7-36-32-am

dw.com

Terdoh: Ah, therein lies the problem. Maybe?

Sirkastiq: Wait. What is the alternative? They should put it in the slums?

Terdoh: Does it matter? Who go travel go travel.

Sirkastiq: Word.

Terdoh: Ghanaian authorities have made several arrests in connection with the fake embassy and have seized authentic and counterfeit Indian, South African and European visas and passports from the premises.

Sirkastiq: Someone should tell the Ghanaian authorities that forgery is borne out of Iron.

Terdoh: LOL! And what is dead may never die.

Sirkastiq: Only multiply…

Terdoh: Selah.

 

***

What Happens When You Don’t Blow, Vol 1

Sirkastiq: A 42-year-old woman, Fausat Ayinde, on Thursday sought for the dissolution of her marriage to her husband, Lukman Ayinde, alleging that he left her after she refused to…

Terdoh: Get this…

Sirkastiq: …suck his penis.

Terdoh: Nope. We didn’t make it up.

Sirkastiq: The fruit seller, speaking before a Lagos Island Customary Court said her 15-year-old marriage was filled with emotional abuses.

Terdoh: Wait. Who is being abused here?

Sirkastiq: Because if you don’t blow, who will?

Terdoh: And like a unisex salon, that goes for both genders.

Sirkastiq: But then, maybe we haven’t heard the full story.

Terdoh: Well, she said he made her feel inferior because of his complaints and verbal abuse.

Sirkastiq: Ah…

Terdoh: She then disclosed that their marital problems started five years ago when her husband came back from a trip to Port-Harcourt and asked her to suck his genital.

Sirkastiq: Port Harcourt girls stay ruining marriages.

My husband got back from a trip and asked me to suck his penis, something we have never done since we got married. When I refused he told me that is what other girls do to him outside, since then my husband stopped making love to me.

Sirkastiq: See?

Terdoh: Gotta keep your man away from Port Harcourt girls that suck penis.

Sirkastiq: *chuckles* You’re such an idiot.

He also started complaining about my dress sense and my cooking after which he packed out of the matrimonial home three years ago and rented another apartment two houses from mine, with another woman”

Terdoh: …that sucks penis.

Sirkastiq: The man is utter scum though. Ah ahn, Mr. Ayinde? Right on the same street?

Terdoh: No shame

Sirkastiq: Mr. Ayinde came through with what he thought was an explanation as to why he was currently living two houses away from his wife and kids.

Terdoh: According to him, the bone of contention was not his…

Sirkastiq: LOL!

Terdoh: Apparently, the real problem is his wife’s dressing.

Sirkastiq: Apparently, she dresses awkwardly and is unattractive.

On many occasions, I have tried to upgrade her to my taste by buying her dresses, shoes and bags. She is also very stubborn and have [sic] refused to change

I have complained about her dress sense severally, my wife can wear mismatched top and skirt with dirty flip flop slippers to anywhere.

When I complain, she will say who is looking at her forgetting that I am her husband, I am looking, I cannot control her.”

Sounds like enough reason to cheat.

Terdoh: Yep.

Sirkastiq: *sigh*

 

***

“Pastor” makes members drink Dettol

Terdoh: Well, they are men. Afterall.

Sirkastiq: A South African cleric, Prophet Rufus Phala has made his church members drink disinfectant, Dettol, in order to get healed.

Terdoh: We promise, we don’t make this shit up.

Sirkastiq: We promise.

Terdoh: Phala, a pastor with AK Spiritual Christian Church, Makgodu, Limpopo South Africa, instructed his followers to drink the disinfectant, while also acknowledging that it was dangerous to do so.

I know Dettol is harmful, but God instructed me to use it. I was the first one to drink it,” the pastor said in a video sighted by South Africa’s Daily Sun.

Sirkastiq: Well at least he added a disclaimer.

Terdoh: This must have been after he dropped a fire sermon sprinkled with numerous high-pitched piano notes about blind faith.

Sirkastiq: Then he proceeded to feed the five thousand….

detol-pastor

“Open wide…sister.”

Terdoh: And that one too opened her mouth.

Sirkastiq: Our ignorance will be our undoing.

Terdoh: We know this thing is not for internal use. Yet…

Sirkastiq: What is he saying? That it will cleanse your system?

Terdoh: The medical complications that will arise from this thing will definitely be ridiculous.

Sirkastiq: Great for Dettol sales though.

Terdoh: Yeah, temporarily. But not for their brand.

Sirkastiq: But he claims he has been seeing results!

Terdoh: Test results maybe. From using church members as lab rats.

Sirkastiq: We all need to do better as a civilization.

Terdoh: At least our Nigerian pastors would have said it was Anointed Dettol.

Sirkastiq: This one didn’t even bother.

Terdoh: Wasn’t it a couple weeks ago that the Prophet of Doom was reported spraying Doom insecticide on the members of his congregation?

Sirkastiq: Do better, South Africa. Do better.

 

***

Morals.

Terdoh: And with that we come to the end of this segment.

Sirkastiq: Let’s do a quick recap. Shall we?

Terdoh: First we learnt that when you want to make moves…

Sirkastiq: Make them…first.

Terdoh: THEN go to the press.

Sirkastiq: “I did” is always better than “I will”.

Terdoh: Otherwise your outgoing president might just…

Sirkastiq: Change his mind.

Terdoh: Such is the African way.

Sirkastiq: Then we learnt that when you are sending your players out to represent you in a league…

Terdoh: Have their money ready before they show up.

Sirkastiq: Don’t disgrace yourself on an international platform, Mr. Dalung.

Terdoh: That’s like hitting it raw and saying “well, have you checked at the end of the sentence?” when she tells you she missed her period.

Sirkastiq: Next we learnt that Ghanaians are gangsta too.

Terdoh: Is t a fake embassy if they’re giving out authentic passports though?

Sirkastiq: We just gotta ask…

Terdoh: Then we learnt that men are still scum.

Sirkastiq: Mr. Ayinde came through with the L for men this week.

Terdoh: Mrs. Ayinde also came through with the L for 21st Century women that don’t su…

Sirkastiq: Just let it go.

Terdoh: You’re right. It’s not by force.

Sirkastiq: Right.

Terdoh: But there’s a woman 2 houses away that su…

Sirkastiq: Just…let it go.

Terdoh: Right.

Sirkastiq: Last we learnt that the best way to hear from God is to hear from him directly.

Terdoh: All these other sources just serve to create communication gaps.

Sirkastiq: And that’s that Sunday word for y’all.

Terdoh: You’re all welcome. All of you.

Sirkastiq: I think it’s time to sign off.

Terdoh: Right, but yo! Before you do we gotta tell you about this event we have coming up.

Sirkastiq: I almost forgot about that.

Terdoh: Would have been a tragedy cause we’re pretty pumped up about it.

Sirkastiq: It’s called The Soccer Rave.

Terdoh: It’s Nigeria’s premier Night Soccer Tournament and features a wild fusion of football, and a Rave party.

***

Date: 17th December, 2016

Venue: Xtreme Sports Bar and Turf3b Folashade Awe Street, Near Blue Gate Estate, off the 2nd Roundabout, Lekki.

Time:     Happy Hour – 6pm (Drinks would be sold at a discounted rate)

Kick off – 7pm

Admission: Free to All

*** 

Sirkastiq: If you’re interested in registering a team or signing up to play, call 08187166747 or send an email to [email protected].

Terdoh: You’re all welcome.

Deblowww: TURN UP!!!!

Sirkastiq: Wait, you’re not really a football fan. Why are you going?

Deblowww: Did you not see Happy Hour? What’s wrong with you?

Sirkastiq: My bad.

Terdoh: Okay so that’s it from us ladies.

Sirkastiq: LOL! Cos we do it for y’all.

Terdoh: See you next week when we bring you some more of the most outlandish shit we’ve seen all week.

Sirkastiq: Till then we wish you peace, love, and credit alerts.

Terdoh: Later y’all.

 

***

Culled from:

  • theguardian.com
  • thenationonlineng.net
  • dw.com
  • dailypost.ng

Responses

  1. Fis
    That’s how you guys made me laugh like a crazy person inside Lagos molue oo… Well loads of people do weird things in Lagos so I’m fine. Thanks for making my Sundays great.
  2. empire
    dope as usual…………

    A general observation abt TNC:
    I thought we had a deal of 4 posts per day??

    what’s happening………..noticed this 4 while now……what’s happening?!

    No more topics to ponder upon?!

    I know the TNC I strumbled upon over a year ago……….this is not it………this is more like a drag now…..no offence intended..

    I had to refresh the page over and over again 2dai…..still just one post…….where did all the juiciness go to?!!!

    it’s a rant…….pardon typos!

  3. wetty fap
    Yoruba people say “oruko omo lo n ro omo”. this is not true in the case of our sports minister. A very unwise Solomon. you’d think Buhari took his time to appoint good ministers, but he still took THAT LONG to appoint DALUNG.

    THIS football thing you wrote about, since it’s starting at 7pm, I want to believe it will be LIT! (pun intended)

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