Terdoh: It’s Christmas you guys!!

Sirkastiq: Merry Christmas people!

Tula: MERRY CHRISTMAS PEOPLE!

Terdoh: We apologize for not bringing you Rounds last week.

Sirkastiq: Are you sure they noticed?

Terdoh: What?? Sure they did! Don’t get it twisted. People nearly died.

Sirkastiq: Right.

Terdoh: So we’re gonna try and squeeze in two weeks worth of news in this episode.

Sirkastiq: Should be fun. Considering how everywhere was just…dry.

Terdoh: Meanwhile, we have a Christmas gift for y’all.

Sirkastiq: Tula came through with an in-house illustrator! And he’s just as stupid.

Terdoh: Christmas came right on time, you know.

Tula: We do it for the people.

Sirkastiq: Well, ladies, meet Chinedu.

Chinedu: Hey ladies! *gets on swing*

Terdoh: Only ladies? Nothing for the gentlemen? We have male readers too.

Chinedu: Naw, I don’t swing that way.

Tula: *chortles*

Sirkastiq: We should get to the news. We got two weeks to cover up for.

Terdoh: Luckily, the world is about as quiet as it can be during this period.

Sirkastiq: 2016 has been an unusual year.

Terdoh: Tell me about it. I mean it’s Christmas. Do you even feel it?

Sirkastiq: No, tbh.

Chinedu: LOL! That’s what she said.

Terdoh: Smh. Just…wow.

Sirkastiq: Welcome bro. You should be right at home.

Tula: Let us begin.

 

***

The Headlines

Unpaid salaries:

FRSC officials threaten to start collecting bribes

Officially…

 

Ibori Released

#Ibori2019.

You saw it here first

 

Zuck creates Jarvis.

Makes Elon jealous.

 

Army sends officers to Argentina

To…get this…learn cattle rearing

Nope. We didn’t make that up

 

Kenya fails to mark World Anti-Corruption Day

Funds meant for the event go missing

(Joke written by itself. We take no credit)

 

***

Unpaid salaries: FRSC Officials Threaten to Start Collecting Bribes

 frsc

Terdoh: Let’s be serious please. What do they mean by this?

Sirkastiq: Where is the integrity please?

Terdoh: How can they be threatening to START collecting bribes?

Sirkastiq: Like the ones they’ve been collecting since is what?

Terdoh: Offering. Maybe?

Sirkastiq: Road maintenance fee for officials?

Terdoh: The reports making the rounds say…

Sirkastiq: I see what you did there.

Terdoh: Thank you. We do this for the starving multitude in Africa.

Sirkastiq: So, you and I then?

Terdoh: And Debola, don’t forget Debola.

Sirkastiq: So yeah, some officials of the Federal Road Safety Corps have threatened to start obtaining bribe from motorists if they don’t get their November salaries and allowances before Christmas.

Terdoh: But why are you holding someone’s salary till after Christmas?

Sirkastiq: I mean what’s the point of working the whole year if your salary still comes after the 25th of December?

Terdoh: Wait jor. Ordinary November? Is it not their mates that haven’t seen salary since March?

Sirkastiq: Who are you talking about exactly?

Terdoh: I don’t know, just random.

Sirkastiq: But welcome to Nigeria 2016 where law enforcers can openly speak about collecting bribes and nothing can be done.

Terdoh: Disgusting.

Sirkastiq: Courtesy the Punch paper, an official said the government had no excuse for refusing to pay them their salaries.

Terdoh: He said,

The government is being very unfair to us. Christmas is next Sunday and many of us who are male officials have been asked to remain on the roads to ensure that the roads are safe.

Sirkastiq: Well, even those of us who’d prefer not to be on the roads will end up there considering the traffic mess.

Terdoh: So suck it up sir!

Sirkastiq: Because you have closed for the year abi?

Terdoh: Moral of the lesson here is work for a company with good HR policies.

Sirkastiq: Can’t possibly be talking about our Armed Forces. Do they even have an HR department?

Terdoh: Low blow. But of course they do. At least the one in Osun is working.Who do you think is responsible for that Armed Forces Merry Christmas song?

Sirkastiq: LMAO!

Terdoh: I mean with a full video and everything.

Sirkastiq: They did all that and still were unsure of getting their Christmas money before Christmas? Damn.

Terdoh: Another female FRSC official, who claimed to be a single mother, said the non-payment of salaries had affected her, as she had not been able to do any shopping for her children ahead of the Christmas and New Year’s celebration.

What will I feed my children with this Christmas? Where will I get the money to take them out to have fun? They cannot tell us not to extort money from motorists and at the same time deprive us of our salaries. It is unfair. You cannot flog me and ask me not to cry.

Sirkastiq: Bruh, it’s like I won’t just go out this period.

Terdoh: However, the FRSC’s Head of Media Relations and Strategy, Mr. Bisi Kazeem, while reacting to the threat, said salary issue was not the fault of the agency but the Integrated Payroll and Personnel Information System, the platform through which Federal Government officials were paid.

Sirkastiq: It’s okay. Pass the Christmas buck.

Terdoh: Just remember to carry ‘bribe money’ alongside ‘flex money’.

Sirkastiq: Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Terdoh: Moving on…

 

***

Ibori Released

Sirkastiq: In case you didn’t already know…

Terdoh: On 13 May 2010, Ibori was arrested in Dubai.

Sirkastiq: Ibori’s case and extradition would go on to become one of the longest, most complex and expensive operations mounted by Scotland Yard during that period.

Terdoh: He made them sweat. Like that DJ at Happiness16.

Sirkastiq: However, on 27 February 2012, after being accused of stealing US$250 million from the Nigerian public purse, Ibori pleaded guilty to ten counts of money laundering and conspiracy and was sentenced to 13 years in prison.

Terdoh: But Chief James Onanefe Ibori only served 4 years out of 13. You see, because come Dec 21, mans was released.

Sirkastiq: Christmas came early.

Terdoh: I know right? After all that bragging.

Sirkastiq: Wait. What are you talking about?

Terdoh: What are you talking about?

Sirkastiq: Ibori being released before Christmas?

Terdoh: Oh…yeah. That. Yes, so he’s been released. Been in London since though. Not like he’s afraid or anything.

Sirkastiq: Apparently not in the mood for Lagos traffic or Buhari.

Terdoh: But a lot of your uncles have gone to London to see Chief James.

Sirkastiq: Well, “If the mountain won’t come to Buhari…”

Terdoh: You know he’s coming back to run for president. We hope you’re ready for 2019.

Sirkastiq: Can’t come and be hearing all this nonsense about anti-corruption.

Terdoh: The media aide to the former governor, Tony Eluemuno (not to be confused with the owner of Heirs Holdings) said his principal was not facing any encumbrance in the United Kingdom.

Sirkastiq: Also, the Delta State Commissioner for Information, Patrick Ukah, says government has no case against former governor, Chief James Ibori, and as such, was happy about his release from London prison.

Terdoh: No case, right.

Sirkastiq: So the money he laundered was stolen from the UK. Right?

Terdoh: Right.

Sirkastiq: Nigeria 2016.

Terdoh: However, one Abuja-based lawyer, Kayode Ajulo, described any attempt at celebrating Ibori on return as senseless.

Sirkastiq: Finally, someone with his brain outside his wallet. Finally…

Terdoh: He suggested that any of such people should be arrested and prosecuted as accomplices.

Sirkastiq: Rich. I’d love to see that happen.

Terdoh: Ibori’s been mad influential in Nigerian politics though. I mean this man was still picking speakers while in prison.

Sirkastiq: And no we’re not talking about Bluetooth headsets.

Terdoh: Pshh, he was picking ministers bruh. Even governors.

james-ibori

Sirkastiq: #Ibori2019 bruh.

Terdoh: You heard it here first.

 

 ***

Army sends officers to Argentina to learn cattle rearing

 Sirkastiq: I mean there are no issues requiring their attention here in Nigeria, so why not send them abroad for skill acquisition?

Terdoh: Yeah, not like we’re still facing the menace of Boko Haram or the likes.

Sirkastiq: Neeeopp! Cattle rearing bruh!

Terdoh: I sincerely believe that this country is one big joke and we are the cast and we don’t even know it.

Sirkastiq: Because every day, there’s just some ridiculousity being brandished about

Terdoh: The chief of army staff Tukur Buratai,, says some army officers have been sent to Argentina to learn cattle rearing.

Sirkastiq: Someone must have misinterpreted the statement “we have beef…”

Terdoh: Speaking at the launch of Mogadishu cantonment mammy market in Abuja on Tuesday, Buratai, represented by the chief of army logistics, said the army would set up cattle ranches in all its divisions.

Sirkastiq: Now it’s not like we have anything against new skills, but Argentina really?

Terdoh: I didn’t even know they had cattle there

Sirkastiq: Me neither, thought it was just hot Latinas and Messi in that whole country.

Terdoh: And are they going to use the cattle as shield or what?

Sirkastiq: Some form of hide?

Terdoh: Or hiding?

Sirkastiq: A statement issued by PRNigeria quoted Buratai as saying that in keeping with modern cattle-rearing tradition, he sent “officers of the army to Argentina to look at how cattle are reared”.

Terdoh: He could not buy the DVD for them to watch?

Sirkastiq: Or download the shits?

Terdoh: They had to go to ARGENTINA?

Sirkastiq: According to Buratai, the intention of the army is not only to secure the country but also to contribute in growing the economy.

Terdoh: Wait, what??

We want to tell our wives that they can live beyond the salaries of their husbands, so we are trying to empower the women in the barracks to be able to form co-operatives, so as to access loans and to a large extent be able to fend for themselves and their families, even without the salaries of their husbands,” he added.

Sirkastiq: And… Cattle rearing. That’s the answer.

Terdoh: LOL! Legit.

Sirkastiq: Wait. How is it the responsibility of the army to grow the economy? I believe they got something to hide.

Terdoh: Okay Mr. Jekyll.

Sirkastiq: I see what you did there. Again.

Terdoh: Let’s not hate on another man’s good fortune please.

Sirkastiq: Until the husbands reach that Argentina and fail to come back.

Terdoh: We wish the armed forces safe journey to…

Sirkastiq: And fro…

Terdoh: …Argentina.

Sirkastiq: Please come back with useful skills.

Terdoh: And not the ones you use on the pitch.

Sirkastiq: Thanks and Gobless.

***

Terdoh: Meanwhile, you guys heard what Zuckerberg did right?

Sirkastiq: He…literally…created Jarvis.

c0yqhuexuaa6z0c

Terdoh: You know, the super smart computer that’s Tony Stark’s personal assistant in the Iron Man movies.

Sirkastiq: Well, it seems Mark is Iron Man now…

Terdoh: Bet he called up Robert Downey Jr. like…

maxresdefault

“I’m the captain now…”

Sirkastiq: LOL!!

Terdoh: You should check out the demo video. It’s pretty dope.

Sirkastiq: He still received criticism for this video.

Terdoh: Well, not for actually creating Jarvis. I don’t know why anyone would complain about that.

Sirkastiq: He got backlash for that Nickelback jab.

Terdoh: It was necessary though. From us at the Rounds table, we say good one, Mark.

Sirkastiq: But Avril Lavigne didn’t find it funny.

Terdoh: Probably because she used to call their lead singer “hubby” back in the day.

Sirkastiq: She had some words for Mark.

Terdoh: Nickelback is still awful though. Leave their album sales.

Sirkastiq: Can we just address these celebrities that approach Mark on Twitter?

Terdoh: LOL! He can always act like he didn’t see it. I mean what is he doing on Twitter?

Sirkastiq: SMH! Same thing Kanye did.

Terdoh: And that one is supposed to be a genius.

Sirkastiq: In more news that happened this week, DT has been confirmed as the next president by the Electora College.

Terdoh: Not like there were any doubts. I mean the man had already started nominating his cabinet and meeting the black people that mattered.

Sirkastiq: Like Tiger Woods and Kanye West.

Terdoh: LOL!

Sirkastiq: But he was confirmed by the college on Monday.

Terdoh: So yeah, America is still doomed.

Sirkastiq: That’s not exactly news. We didn’t need to put that in.

Terdoh: Filler space. Ma binu.

Sirkastiq: Moving on…

 

***

Kenya fails to mark World Anti-Corruption Day

Terdoh: It’s like Kenya is on a mission to outdo itself in the ridiculous news section..

Sirkastiq: This week, it’s not a man making love to a tree.

Terdoh: Neither is it a woman trying to marry a chicken.

Sirkastiq: It’s the entire government.

Terdoh: So last week (December 9th precisely) was World Anti-Corruption Day.

Sirkastiq: Don’t worry, you didn’t hear about it because we don’t observe the day in Nigeria.

Terdoh: We basically wiped it off our calendar because c’mon, who are we kidding?

Sirkastiq: Better to not participate than take the L as Kenya has done.

Terdoh: There were a ton of events lined up to mark the day in Kenya last Friday.

Sirkastiq: But these were all cancelled at the eleventh hour after money set aside for the celebration went missing.

Terdoh: HAHAHAHAHA!

Sirkastiq: I mean, you set aside money to celebrate the notion that you’re not a corrupt nation.

Terdoh: And then some corrupt people decide nah, we gotta move this?

Sirkastiq: How sway?

Terdoh: Instead of them to just be quiet like Nigeria and keep things moving.

Sirkastiq: Lined up as events to mark the day included road shows, concerts, skits and mass media public education campaigns.

Terdoh: I’m finding it hard to brit.

Sirkastiq: Investigations have shown that the theft seemed to have been carried out over the weekend when government offices were closed.

Terdoh: And get this; it was perpetrated through the Infamous Fraud and Misappropriation Information System – IFMIS.

Sirkastiq: LOL! IF-Miss alright…

Terdoh: Savages.

Sirkastiq: Kenya should really stick to marathons and cross country races, because this anti-corruption shit is too long for them.

Terdoh: And it doesn’t look like there’s a finish line in sight.

Sirkastiq: Maybe someone has stolen that one.

Terdoh: In case you didn’t know, the government of Kenya had been praised and seemingly put in line to win a major literary prize in the near future because of the statements, promises and pledges it has been making to fight corruption.

Sirkastiq: Now they gotta go back to the drawing board.

Terdoh: Ain’t no nobel prize for you guys.

Sirkastiq: Go find that money.

Terdoh: And so we have come to the end of the episode!

 

***

Sirkastiq: Morals, yes.

Terdoh: Well, we were told to carry bribe money along with flex money and weekend money and Christmas money while driving around today.

Sirkastiq: And if your uncle works in FRSC and he’s been stuntin lately, you know where the money came from. Right?

Terdoh: Next we learnt that Ibori is fresh out and coming for the throne. Y’all better be ready.

Sirkastiq: From prison to palace.

Terdoh: Tell CJ that Buhari is looking for him. Come and explain that Mercedes-Benz Maybach 62 and that Bentley Continental GT parked in your backyard.

Sirkastiq: Real.

Terdoh: Then we learnt that Nickelback is still trash.

Sirkastiq: Ah, that’s what you learnt? I learnt to deliver bomb D when I get married so that no matter what happens, my wife will always be on my side.

Terdoh: Smh. You are an oversize weist.

Sirkastiq: Next we learnt that the best place to learn cattle rearing is not from the Fulani that have been successfully running this whole Cattle operation for centuries.

Terdoh: Nope.

Sirkastiq: Argentina though. Those guys know their cows.

Terdoh: Yep.

Sirkastiq: And last but definitely not least…

Terdoh: We learnt that when you want to celebrate the absence of corruption in your country…

Sirkastiq: Make sure it really is absent.

Terdoh: Don’t be leaving yam with goats.

Sirkastiq: That’s it from us folks!

Terdoh: IT’S CHRISTMAS THOUGH!!!

Sirkastiq: Go celebrate with your families. Christmas is for family!

Terdoh: Peace, y’all!

Sirkastiq: Oh, and in the spirit of Christmas, we’re doing a Rounds giveaway.

Terdoh: The first 5 commenters get a little Christmas present from us.

Sirkastiq: Don’t worry. We’ll contact you.

Terdoh: Be sure to drop a comment.

Sirkastiq: Remember to tune in next week for the 2016 Roundup Episode.

Terdoh: We’ll recap the entire year. You know it’s gonna be lit.

Sirkastiq: Until then, Peace, love, and merry Christmas.

***

Culled from:

  • Daily Star
  • Pulse.ng
  • Punch
  • today.ng
  • billboard.com
  • thestar.com
  • vanguardngr.com

 

Responses

  1. Tobi.M
    You’re kidding! So once everyone saw there were already 5 comments and Ore didn’t get anything, they just stepped back? Lol
    Nice one Terdoh! Catch you on the 1st.
    1+
  2. Andronicus
    Ugh! Millennials and their bandwagon behavior.
    Where were you when we were enjoying Nickelback’s Photograph and How You Remind Me?
    Music is more than the words or melody, its also about how they hit the drums or strum the guitar.
    Foo Fighters, Barry White and many other musicians music sound alike.
    But hating Nickelback is the cool thing to do so let’s all hate them right?
    I remember Rockstar being an anthem back when it was released.
    Saying,’forget their album sales’ is like saying the person who finished first in class is dumb, forget his/her first class degree.
    0
  3. Gbolahan
    Shocked to find out that you guys don’t know Argentina is the cattle rearing capital of the world. Check any can of corned beef or package of premium quality steak. 90% chance it’s from Argentina. If they want to learn the newest and best ways of rearing cattle for industrial use and enough to be able to export, Argentina is definitely the place to go. However… Why the army? How does that even make sense? Why not sponsor some entrepreneurs? Or even local herdsmen already rearing cattle? Nigeria is somehow abeg
    3+
  4. P
    I don’t believe they are going to Argentina to learn cattle rearing to boost the economy. I would believe they went there to learn cattle rearing to go undercover, because of the herdsmen problem.
    0
  5. Orteri
    Just reading this. Still legit lit I teh you. Kenya will not kee person! Totally hilarious piece. Keep it coming guys. Amazing creative juices.
    0

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