Sirkastiq: Good morning people.

Terdoo: That’s how they are trying to kill promise on #OBFW

Sirkastiq: Promise represents all the drug users out there who are on the grind…

Terdoo: Please tell Tula that he better not try anything. Promise is my guy.

Sirkastiq: If you have no idea what we’re talking about then that’s just terrible.

Terdoo: Catch up.

Sirkastiq: So we had a very interesting week in Nigeria.

Terdoo: Actually pretty freaking amazing what you can find in this country if you look hard enough.

Sirkastiq: Ironic that at the bottom of that list is the president himself.

Terdoo: But this too shall pass.

Sirkastiq: Quit acting and get to it na.

Terdoo: Okay okay.

 

***

The Headlines

President Buhari

Status: Missing.

Leave status: Indefinite.

 

MTV Cribs, Kaduna Presents:

Inside Andrew Yakubu’s Cupboard

Episode 1.

 

Fashion Police

To wear or not to wear

The tale of the Nigerian army

 

Akinwunmi vs Yellow Buses

The Ban on Danfo.

The…banfo?

 

Thief caught stealing $7 billion

Blames it on Jesus.

We’re guessing he was the criminal on the left.

 

 

***

President Buhari Missing.

Sirkastiq: In case you’re wondering why this edition came in at this time, It’s because we’ve been recovering from the #StandWithNigeria protest march.

Terdoo: We’ve actually been standing since Monday.

Sirkastiq: Of course you know 2face couldn’t make the march.

Terdoo: It’s like they really threatened him (though he says they didn’t).

Sirkastiq: If you remember, the last time 2face shouted “nothing dey happen”, some robbers broke his neck.

Terdoo: This time, it’s like he decided not to be stiff-necked so he soft pedaled.

Sirkastiq: The protests still held in various states of the country.

Terdoo: What we cannot tell you is if they were effective

Sirkastiq: Because the people we’re protesting against sef carried on like nothing dey happen

Terdoo: The acting president (VP Osinbajo) however dropped some tweets alluding to the fact that we were heard loud and clear

Sirkastiq: Hearing is one thing sha…doing something is another

Terdoo: Both of them are problems our real president has sha.

Sirkastiq: Where is that one sef?

Terdoo: They say he’s in the Uk, but I cannot categorically confirm

Sirkastiq: People of God,

Terdoo: Buhari is nowhere to be found.

Sirkastiq: Of course, when your president cannot send small SMS to let us know he’s fine, the rumors begin to fly.

Terdoo: Some say he’s gone to meet Yar’Adua

Sirkastiq: Others say he’s really really sick and cannot be pressing phone.

Terdoo: They’re saying oh. But we, the people he is president of, have not heard anything from him.

Sirkastiq: Buhari doesn’t have FaceTime, appaz.

Terdoo: Meanwhile, several people’s cousins and drivers in the UK have at different times told them inside information on the state of Mr. President.

Sirkastiq: At Rounds, our own is sha that we should have president.

Terdoo: All this acting, when we are not in Nollywood.

Sirkastiq: Actually…

Terdoo: You’re right.

Sirkastiq: HAHA! Anyway, lot of people are insinuating that baba has done the bucket like football, but everyone and their uncle in APC has released picture after picture of themselves and Baba just chilling.

Terdoo: But the date on the picture is July ’16.

Sirkastiq: I just have one question.

Terdoo: Shoot.

Sirkastiq: If I say you’re dead, is it your guys that will come and be telling me “he’s not dead oh”, or you that will pick up the phone and refute it yourself?

Terdoo: Buhari’s body language is not going to work now. Since we haven’t even seen…well, you know, a body.

Sirkastiq: They should stop covering up for this man. You can’t go on one week vacation and call your boss from vacation and say you want to extend your leave indefinitely, without explanation.

Terdoo: The government has kept us in the dark for long enough.

Sirkastiq: True. Even right now there’s no light.

Terdoo: Prof, you’re in charge right now. We trust that better things will happen under your leadership.

Sirkastiq: If he becomes the president, you gotta do a post on this Nigerian vice president trend.

Terdoo: Or this trend of presidents losing their lives or that of their spouses.while in office, right?

Sirkastiq: Right.

Terdoo: Moving on…

 

***

Andrew Yakubu’s Cumbod

Sirkastiq: Ladies and gentlemen…

Terdoo: In this economy…

Sirkastiq: Where beef shawarma with one hot dog, extra spicy has gone from ₦600 to ₦1300.

Terdoo: Where Indomie is now ₦70.

Sirkastiq: Where sandine is now ₦200

Different strokes for different folks 😂😂😂….. #proudnigerian

A photo posted by michael abbey (@blackgatsby1) on

Terdoo: In this same economy, they found millions of dollars just chilling in somebody’s wardrobe.

Sirkastiq: Aaaah. Nkan be.

Terdoo: You see, the EFCC has been working. Overtime.

Sirkastiq: They’re really trying to redeem that image, you know.

Sirkastiq: Lovely to see wit and humor appreciated by the government.

Terdoo: I hope you guys are taking notes.

Sirkastiq: Anyway, back to the topic.

Terdoo: A special operation conducted by the EFCC on 3rd February, 2017 on a building belonging to a former Group Managing Director of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), Dr. Andrew Yakubu

Sirkastiq: This nigga…

Terdoo: …in Kaduna, yielded the recovery of the sum of…

Sirkastiq: Nope. We gotta make them wait for it….

Terdoo: Wait.

Sirkastiq: Wait…

Terdoo: yielded the sum of…

Sirkastiq: Naw fam. I’m not sure they’re ready for it.

Terdoo: True. Wait.

Sirkastiq: Wait…

Terdoo: …the sum of $9,772,800 (Nine Million, Seven Hundred and Seven Two Thousand, Eight Hundred United States Dollars) and another sum of £74,000 (Seventy Four Thousand Pound Sterling).

Sirkastiq: Naw. I don’t think you understand.

Terdoo: This is just one house oh. We don’t know how many others there are.

Sirkastiq: For just one man. We also don’t know how many others there are.

Terdoo: We saw that sum and we were like…

giphy

Sirkastiq: Considering today’s exchange rate of ₦506 to $1…

Terdoo: And ₦617 to £1…

Sirkastiq: We’re looking at almost 5 billion Nigerian Naira, brethren.

Terdoo: LMAOWUT?? How many buy you wan buy please?

Sirkastiq: *swallows*

Terdoo: This is the building oh. Not like they tore down one mansion in Ikoyi.

Image Credit: saharareporters.com

Image Credit: saharareporters.com

Sirkastiq: And look at someone’s generation’s life savings on the table, people.

As found in a fire proof safe

As found in a fire proof safe

Terdoo: Fire proof safe uno. Gotta keep the cash cold even if the rest of Nigeria is burning to the ground.

Sirkastiq: Later someone will come and say there’s no money in the country. But your sugar daddy has somebody’s soul in one of his cumbods.

Terdoo: The question everyone should be asking is “What is the government going to do with this money?”

Sirkastiq: Because ANY SECTOR this money is invested in will glo up like Adenuga’s sugar baby.

Terdoo: And if it’s not clearly stated what that cash will be assigned for, the money will disappear like Jammeh.

Sirkastiq: #FreePie

Terdoo: I’m just saying… Let there be light please.

Sirkastiq: Yes, we’re hinting at power. Fashola, we know you’re reading this.

Terdoo: Anyway, our beloved Andrew Yakubu reported to the EFCC Zonal office in Kano about 5 days after his house was ‘burgled’.

Sirkastiq: HAHA!

Terdoo: When asked where he got that kind of unholy sum from, he claimed it was a gift from “unnamed persons”.

Sirkastiq: *sigh* Unnamed persons sha. Everyone in government is forming valar morghulis.

Terdoo: A man has no name.

Sirkastiq: They say Andrew has been co-operating. But there have been no names yet.

Terdoo: Those two statements kind of contradict each other, don’t you think?

Sirkastiq: But if it is to drag a man through a wheelchair for wearing camouflage, government officials won’t hesitate oh…

Terdoo: Speaking of…

 

***

Fashion Police

Sirkastiq: The saying “dress as you would like to be addressed” holds a different kind of truth where the Nigerian army is concerned.

Terdoo: Because if you dress like them, you will be addressed by them.

Sirkastiq: Square up, blood.

Terdoo: You see, it’s not uncommon to be accosted by members of the Nigerian army whenever you adorn yourself in camouflage.

Sirkastiq: You are usually firmly asked to cease and desist. Usually accompanied by no more than a hot slap and a sound warning not to try it again.

Terdoo: We even have slogans for it.

Sirkastiq: “Wear the army green shade, catch a fade”

Terdoo: “Chilling in camo? Better have some ammo”

Sirkastiq: “Don army green, cause a scene, lose your spleen”

Terdoo: And many more…

Sirkastiq: And somehow, we had accepted it.

Terdoo: But (some members of) the Nigerian army took it too far last week when they addressed a man in a wheelchair wearing a camo shirt.

Sirkastiq: This video showing them in their full glory went viral on Wednesday.

Terdoo: Damn.

Sirkastiq: I mean, is this where we are? You have no one else to fight so you turn on the weak and disabled?

Terdoo: How incredibly macho.

Sirkastiq: Was that sarcasm? Don’t do that. That’s my thing.

Terdoo: Smh.

Sirkastiq: In response to that video…

Terdoo: Thank you social media!

Sirkastiq: …Aso Rock has ordered the arrest and imprisonment of the soldiers involved.

Terdoo: Complete with…hard labour.

Sirkastiq: That’s an example, at least.

Terdoo: But this entire scenario begs one question…

Sirkastiq: What?

“ARE WE OR ARE WE NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR CAMO!?”

Terdoo: I mean that shit is too gorgeous to not be included in everyone’s wardrobe.

Sirkastiq: You see the problem with giving the public permission to wear it is the fear of abuse. People who want to impersonate military officials will have easy access to military regalia.

Terdoo: Well, people who want to have access to military regalia will have access to it. Regardless.Your fashion police won’t stop them.

Sirkastiq: True.

Terdoo: Anyway, while we sort out our wardrobe boundaries with the government, we hope that this will serve as an example to soldiers out there who are wont to abuse their positions of power.

Sirkastiq: You can talk to civilians without resorting to violence, you know? We’re the ones you’re protecting. Who is gonna protect us from you?

Terdoo: Fuck every military man who thinks he has the right to physically abuse innocent civilians simply because he’s in a position of power. Fuck him in the ear.

Sirkastiq: He that hath an ear, let him guard that shit.

Terdoo: Moving on…

 

***

AMBODE VS DANFO

Sirkastiq: Meanwhile, Ambode is getting rid of those yellow buses.

Terdoo: The days of “owa oh” are numbered.

Sirkastiq: Usman Danfo-dio won’t be happy about this, you know.

Terdoo: You’re just…stupid.

Sirkastiq: The part time Photoshoot king, VVIP Quillox honorary member, remover of Lekki roundabouts, and full time Lagos state governor, Akinwunmi Ambode earlier this week said there were plans to remove danfo buses on the road.

Terdoo: Every other road user just heaved a sigh of relief.

Sirkastiq: We all have a yellow scratch on our cars, somewhere.

Terdoo: And we didn’t get it from paint balling.

Sirkastiq: He explained that danfo would give way to a more efficient, well-structured and world-class mass transport system that would facilitate ease of movement within the city.

Terdoo: Amen.

Sirkastiq: #Ambode2023 please.

Terdoo: I’m all for the modernisation of the city and all, but what about all the jobs that will be taken away with this new policy?

Sirkastiq: One can only hope there’s a scheme in the offing for them. But how many of those danfo drivers are trainable?

Terdoo: Lagos might not be the place for them then.

Sirkastiq: But where else are you going to get the kind of population that makes the transportation business so lucrative? I mean I’m sure he sees how much profit is accruable from that sector alone, which is why he’s trying to take control of it.

Terdoo: And it’s not just buses. Okada is in the bin, tricycles too.

Sirkastiq: Can’t wait to see the replacement.

Terdoo: You gotta understand that this danfo business is run like a mafia. To kill a tree, you gotta dig up the roots.

Sirkastiq: And those roots run pretty deep.

Terdoo: We’re talking about a multi million naira franchise, daily.

Sirkastiq: Might be a while before they’re eradicated completely.

Terdoo: And there’s still the unemployment problem.

Sirkastiq: Ambode has said he’s looking to banish the buses this year. So if you were planing to get rich quick by owning your own danfo…we might have news for you.

Terdoo: I trust the man though. As far as Lagos is concerned, he has done well.

Sirkastiq: Nigeria is holding Lagos back, tbh.

Terdoo: It’s actually sad to watch.

 

 

***

Man Who Tried To Steal $7 Billion Claims He Did It Because Jesus Wanted Him To Get Rich

Sirkastiq: It’s like something is wrong with my network.

Terdoo: Do you use that network with more ambassadors than that church?

Sirkastiq: Hahahaha…you’re really rude.

Terdoo: Just trying to understand you fam.

Sirkastiq: Well, all these people that are receiving messages from Jesus, I need to get on their network.

Terdoo: First, you have to give your life to Christ bro.

Sirkastiq: Is that down payment for network?

Terdoo: Yup…afterall, to get to heaven, it’s who you know that counts.

Tula: Are you people about to start a church? Let me know if I’m looking for new hosts.

Terdoo: We’ll get back to you on that.

Sirkastiq: In Florida, a man tried to steal $7 billion in wire transfers and the reason he gave for his action was that Jesus wanted him to be rich.

Terdoo: Legit. The book of Saywhat?? Chapter 7 and verse 38 says “Brethren, I wish above all things, that you hammer and be rich because it’s not beans that we use to pave the streets of heaven with gold”

Sirkastiq: Yahhhh.

Terdoo: John Michael Haskew of Lakeland, Florida, fraudulently transferred $70 billion from an unidentified bank in over 70 transactions and when he was caught he used Jesus as his defense.

Sirkastiq: Clearly a novice.

Terdoo: $70 BILLION and you think no one would notice?

Sirkastiq: The server sef will be like WTF?

Terdoo: He now tried to split it into 70 transactions which is like 1billion each.

Sirkastiq: Homie needs to come learn how we do this shit.

Terdoo: He can meet Ibori for tips.

Sirkastiq: Authorities said he claimed that Jesus Christ created wealth for everyone and that he was simply tapping into the wealth that is rightfully his, which Jesus Christ created for him.

Terdoo: If that’s the case, shebi it’s to go and tap into Dangote and Otedola.

Sirkastiq: LOL! Right.

Terdoo: Something I’ve been trying to do since. Just waiting to cop cuppy.

Sirkastiq: Oshey policeman. Because it’s your type she’s looking for. She has boyfriend (that bought her G-wagon).

Terdoo: Ehen? Small G-wagon?

Sirkastiq: Wait. That reminds me…how did you come to the studio again?

Terdoo: I drove, why.

Sirkastiq: Drove what?

Terdoo: My car.

Sirkastiq: Which one?

Terdoo: How many do I have?

Sirkastiq: My point exactly.

Terdoo: Fuck you man.

Sirkastiq: Hahahaha…so yeah, Haskew an unemployed G actually owes the government money and he learnt to make the fraudulent transfer by experimenting.

Terdoo: Novice.

Sirkastiq: He pleaded guilty to one count of making a false statement to the federal government, as part of a plea deal, and could serve up to five years in prison in addition to a fine of $250,000.

Terdoo: So no one is going to represent Jesus for the false accusation?

Sirkastiq: I’m sure Jesus is used to being accused falsely, basically his life story

Terdoo: So because of that, he doesn’t have the right to be heard?

Sirkastiq: Oya go and stand for him now, since it’s doing you like P-square.

Terdoo: WOW! That was such a shit metaphor.

Sirkastiq: Your face is a shit metaphor.

Terdoo: LMAO! You’re just jealous cos all the Roundabouts said your face isn’t TV friendly.

Sirkastiq: I won’t lie, that thing pained me.

Terdoo: *daps shoulder* Don’t worry. We’ll show them.

Sirkastiq: And…that’s it. The end.

 

***

Today we learnt…

Terdoo: That this country can only get better. Because we’ve probably hit rock bottom.

Sirkastiq: If Nigeria were a woman, she would be suffering from rejection symptoms.

“How do you just leave. You don’t call me? You don’t text me? You don’t reply my snaps? Nothing?”

Terdoo: Smh. President Buhari, wyd??

Sirkastiq: Change our national anthem to “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart Economy”

Terdoo: We are slowly learning to pray for wisdom for the man that is acting president…

Sirkastiq: And just leave this Buhari matter to God as others have started doing.

Terdoo: Next, we learnt that a tin of sardines is now ₦200.

Sirkastiq: Titus. Smh, after all those letters that Apostle Paul wrote to you, you still don’t have the fear of God.

Terdoo: How can you talk about the fear of God in Nigeria. When someone has your company’s 10 years worth of annual profit in his fridge.

Sirkastiq: Despite all of this, we are not distracted from the state of health of Sai Baba.

Terdoo: Last last, all of us want the same thing.

Sirkastiq: Just one, pls.

Terdoo: Next we learnt that the next time you want to wear that camo jacket outside, do. By all means.

Sirkastiq: Just be ready to chop beating. Probably get dragged through the street on a wheelchair.

Terdoo: However, if your ‘correction officers’ get caught on camera and reported…

Sirkastiq: Then they should get ready to chop beating.

Terdoo: And last but not least, we learnt that if you’re caught stealing $7 billion dollars…

Sirkastiq: Please don’t blame it on Jesus.

Terdoo: The One we know won’t ask you to go and steal anything.

Sirkastiq: Much less an unholy sum like $7 billion.

Terdoo: There’s Nigerian politicians right now that’ll read that and go “only?”

Sirkastiq: Again, we say…

Terdoo: Yep. All y’all.

Sirkastiq: Remain blessed, brethren.

Terdoo: That’s it from the crew this week.

Sirkastiq: Please tune in next week for more of this outlandish shit.

Terdoo: Till then we wish you peace, love, and laughter.

Sirkastiq: Later!

 

Culled from:

  • akinwunmiambode.com
  • nigeriaworld.com
  • odili.net
  • saharareporters.com

Responses

  1. Aggie
    The Ban on Danfo.
    The…banfo?
    Change our national anthem to “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart Economy” – you guys are just super creative.
    Please where are you guys staying that sardine is #200, I want to relocate, cos in my own area and every other place I have been visiting it’s #300
    0

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