Welcome to Rounds, folks.
First of all I would like to say you people should stop bullying Simi. One day someone will submit that Chemistry album to Disney and it’ll be a wrap. And then they’ll identify that as her style.
I guess for now these jokes gotta fly, bro.
Y’all fans need to get yo shit together and pay for a stylist if her looks are so important to you.
She’s in the entertainment industry bro. Looks ARE important.
Plus…you can’t sing like THAT and look like THAT.
Pshh, tell that to Lorde.
Aight. I’ll call her later. Right now we have to get to the news of the week.
Someone please design a missing poster of Buhari. Because things have gotten out of hand like those two birds in the bush.
Meanwhile for our former bachelor in the house…
All white is loading, fret not.
Good news all around!!! Gotta give it up for friendship goals…
Okay okay enough. Let us begin.
In Impossible is Nothing
Spain Appoints Minister For Sex
That’s…an actual position.
Spain officially drops the chill button.
The Spirit of Steve Harvey lives on
Shine bright like a Moonlight.
Elderly Couple Refuse £200 Bill
Amnesia or not…
That’s some freaky shit.
MILF Hunt: Mother Hen Edition
When chasing chicks isn’t enough.
I mean, there was once a man called President Muhammad.
But then he went to the mountain…
Well, when daddy is not at home, people begin to look around for the next daddy.
Shebi we did the same thing last week when we asked who could be president.
We missed a possible, major contender…
A king maker in his own right.
Who might be thinking of crowning himself…
In case you didn’t know he has the singular honor of picking the Governor of Lagos state…
Matter of fact, he’s done it over and over.
And you know Lagos is the koko.
He took it a step further and gave us Buhari tbh.
Yup, Jagaban was really the power behind the scenes.
And now that Buhari is showing signs of weakness…
Baba has considered taking things into his own hands.
When recently asked if he’ll be diving back into the political ring in 2019.
Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu aka BAT aka Jagaban said he “won’t rule it out”.
Like an abacus counting system.
Wow bro! A crossed out Ja? Really?
Na you sabi. He sha said he won’t rule it out.
“…there is nothing wrong with such ambition. It depends on the timing and the environment and what political leadership dictates”
“How can I rule such a thing out? It’s an opportunity to serve my country. But you only do that when there is vacancy.”
So even though you might not have heard it here first, just remember when you wake up to see those eyes staring down at you that we told you.
Jagaban tho…is he what we need?
Fam, left to me yeah, all them politicians need to get the fuck out!
Also in case you’re #TeamOsinbajo and expecting him to step up if the opportunity arises…
Let’s just remind you that Tinubu nominated Osinbajo as VP. If allegiance is a thing, then prof might step aside.
Tinubu would then contest while choosing a northerner as his Vice President.
This is still unconfirmed news but hey, it’s making the rounds so…
Meanwhile Bubu is still not back.
45 days of leave and counting…
Oh, Acting President Osinbajo has been making some moves you know. Lately he asked that oil companies relocate their head offices to Niger Delta.
Which I am in complete support of.
Why? Did you lose your ex to someone in Shell?
It’s cool. At least now oil big boys should stop tensioning us in clubs, spending my annual benefits in two hours.
Word. Go and tension your mates.
Also, we bring you this message for the [sic] President by Prophet Iginla (LOL)
“I have a message for him. The Lord says he should take care of his health. He should not allow people around him to play politics with his health”
-Prophet Iginla of Igi-nla Ministries.
You will recollect that the Prophet with the Large Wood had earlier predicted
that the president’s health was as shaky as the economy he was handling.
If Buhari is alive, he might wanna listen. You know. Once bitten…
In even more Nigerian news…
Remember those 58 victims that were affected in the bombing we talked about in this episode
Well, the victims have received ₦10,000 each from the Presidential Committee on the North East Initiative.
This is the compensation they get from the government? Word?
The care givers and hospitals, however, got a ₦1million donation.
But the victims themselves got ₦580,000 in total.
Nigeria, ladies and gentlemen.
SPAIN APPOINTS MINISTER FOR SEX
Spain has appointed a minister for sex, you guys.
I’m…sure they could tell that from the title yo.
Right. Well, a certain Edelmira Barreira has been appointed as the Minister for Sex, to “help the country boost its dwindling birth rate and avoid a population crisis.”
They apparently don’t have enough people in Spain. For those of you looking for a place to settle.
For a country with a language that’s so romantic, I wonder why they have this problem. You ever heard your French friends complaining that they’re not getting enough tail?
That’s…because you don’t have any. But I’ll let it go.
Thank you. Barreira has been given this enormous task though. How do you make people start having sex? How do you solve the declining population?
We know this because the country reported a higher death rate than birth rate in 2015. And this is happening in a country where life expectancy is put at 82.38 (2012). And the birthrate has fallen by 18 percent since 2008.
Young couples have reportedly blamed being “too tired after a full day at work” and “late nights” for why they are not making babies.
No for real, they really said we’re working too hard to have sex. Rafael Puyol of the IE Business School in Madrid said people are often too tired after a full day at work and blamed long working hours and late nights for the decrease in sex and birth.
Now that’s the level of commitment every country should demand from its citizens.
Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy and Barreira will draft a document for a national strategy of demographic imbalances.
Statistics revealed Spanish women between 18-49 reportedly had an average of 1.3 children in 2015 – below the European Union’s (EU) figure of 1.58.
How do you have a .3 child though?
I’m guessing that’s the one they call Idowu?
While many European countries are seeing a decline in birth rates, Spain’s figures means it has one of the lowest in the developed world.
And between 1977 and 2015, the number of childless couples tripled from 1.5 to 4.4 million.
Barreira seems to have her work cut out.
What would your first step as Minister of Sex be?
I can’t say. I dunno… Ban…condoms?
The Oscars, 2017
Image Credit: BBC.co.uk
We’re just gonna come out and say it.
Y’all racist fr with that Best Picture nonsense.
If you missed it, and we understand that you did because you know that Terdoo and Sirkastiq will bring it to you…well, at the Oscars, the hosts, Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty presented “La La Land” as the winner of the Best Picture award, and the celebration began on stage with people thanking their uncles and what not…
But they had to take their eLa and leave when Moonlight came to shine on them hoes.
Yeah, that really happened.
How will La La Land win Best picture when Mahershala Ali dropped the performance of a lifetime in Moonlight.
Score for Chiron, to be honest.
So La La Land came on stage to receive ‘their award’ and then they had to give it to the rightful owners.
This was after like 7 of them had given their various speeches.
Smh…just see for yourself please.
Just look at that hot mess.
LMAO Black boy joy in the house at the end of that video yo.
From all black people around the world and on behalf of everyone who has watched both movies and knows who deserves what, we say to La La Land…
We all gotta take an L one way or the other.
Other movies like Manchester By The Sea, Zootopia, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, The Jungle Book, got nods from the Oscars.
Fam, even Suicide Squad won Best Makeup.
If you’re THAT curious and you want the full list of winners, check here
At the end of the day, this tweet sums everything up.
Knew we were gonna find some way to sneak DT in.
Well, his past tweets are some legendary level of awkwardness now, aren’t they?
It’s a joy to behold from the man who wasn’t supposed to be president.
Elderly Couple Refuse £200 Bill
Image credit: metro.co.uk
An elderly couple who were billed £200 for pay-per-view porn films they claim were never ordered insist they are ‘not paying a penny’.
£200?? This is an outrage!
Calm down baba. You’re vouching for these ones? Right…
Freak has no age limit. Some people are early bloomers. Some are late.
Some are much much later, apparently.
Ann Hayward, 72, and her husband Ron, 75, were left stunned after staff at Virgin Media told them dozens of blue movies had been ordered on their account.
They were like “Good morning ma’am. We appreciate y’all getting your freak on. But you owe us £200”
The couple denied it though. Of course…
But they have a history in freak denial. These same caucasians have previously disputed bills for adult films in 2009 and 2012 when they refused to pay bills for £190 and £500, the Manchester Evening News reports.
Mrs Hayward maintains neither she nor her husband ordered the films after re-activating Virgin’s ‘on demand service’.
“I was told everything would be alright and not to worry. We got a message coming up on the TV saying “channels unavailable”, She-Freak explained…
“It worried me so I called up and the next day I was told I’d ordered more than £200 of films. I was in shock.”
Maybe if the bill was cheaper, it wouldn’t be so shocking.
They’re not denying that sometimes they like to get they groove on. But £200 worth of groove is a lot.
“I couldn’t believe it was happening again. No-one else comes in here. There’s obviously something wrong with the technology.”
OOOOOORRRRRRR…y’all just straight up nasty?
72 years old though…That’s a lot of lube. We’re not even ready.
The man watches all of that shit behind his wife’s back and convinces her that he doesn’t.
That’s some heroic denial level. Simon Peter would be proud, unno.
She even added: ‘I told them they can take me to court. I’m not paying a penny.’
A Virgin Media spokeswoman said: ‘These films were unquestionably watched by someone in the Haywards’ home.
Looking your way Mr. Wayward…
Kenya doesn’t seem to run out of weird shit
Might explain why they’re so good at long distances.
Like they always go the extraaaa mile.
So let’s head to Bungoma real quick…
Where an 18-year-old Kenyan man, identified as Kevin Simiyi has admitted having sex with a hen.
I guess the Henny kicked in a little too quickly.
According to Nairobi News, Simiyi was arrested after he was caught red-handed harassing the hen.
We really wish we were talking about alcohol abuse here, children.
Homeboy left the chicks and decided to face the hens.
He was caught while committing the unusual act by the hen’s owner, Judith Nasimiyu.
Simiyi pleaded guilty to the offence yesterday, saying he was despised by women because he was poor.
See what you women have caused? Now homies be going after hens because mans ain’t got money in the bank.
Project GMB warned us about this.
While the veterinary officers were searching for evidence, they told the court that the hen died from exhaustion.
*sigh* little henny couldn’t bear the outrageous pressure and died from exhaustion.
Homie can’t be charged for manslaughter can he?
I just tried to picture this thing and I’m like HOWWWW?
You’re hurting yourself fam.
So he grabs the hen with both hands, turns it upside down, does he prop the vagina open with a finger and then sli…
Please stop abeg. We didn’t tell the viewers we had graphic content.
I think its time to end this episode. My brain is exhausted from all this wondering.
Aight. Have we covered everything for this week?
I think so. We can move on to the moral lessons.
That the next president might be none other than…
Were you even in this class?
Smh. Don’t be shocked when it happens. Don’t say I didn’t tell you.
Well, there’s also that celebrated embezzler?
Yep.Him too. All of them candidates.
To be honest we don’t need any of these people in power. When that time comes, please vote with your church mind.
Next we learnt that the Spanish aren’t having enough sex.
Just gon give you that headline one more time. For emphasis.
Such a huge responsibility on her soldiers.
She better start calling up that Prime Minister in Sweden
so they can discuss how to implement one-hour long paid-sex-breaks in the city of Madrid.
But first…that ban on selling condoms to married men.
Next we learnt that when it is your time to shine, it is your time to shine. Right??
Can’t stop the Moon from shining. Can’t.
Vital lesson here. What’s meant to be yours, will be yours.
Next we learnt that you can watch all the premium HD porn your heart desires…
Long as you have a 72 year old wife who has your back (LOL!) you’ll be fine.
“Ain’t paying a got damn cent just for peeping on some booty”
– Mr. Wayward
I guess “Porn ought to be free” is a code that they live by.
Last but not least, we learnt that if the chick won’t come to you…
That’s definitely not where I was going with that. But okay.
Kenyan nugget for the day.
And with that, we come to the end of yet another mind bogglingly boring episode of Rounds.
Best believe we will be here next week with 5 more outlandish articles for y’all.
Till then, enjoy peace, love, and may this week bring you laughter.