Score: Finders, Keepers – Miriam Bryant
I bet she’s very pretty. I bet she’s intelligent, calm and amazing. I think so because I have an inkling of what you want in your woman. You did say she’s not crazy, I like to translate that to her not being dramatic like me. She’s likely nothing like me, not presumptuous, not lovey-dovey. She’s good enough for you, she ticks almost all the boxes, and she’s your person.
I always thought I would hate your girlfriend when you finally got one, I thought I would want to rip her hair out and drown her but surprisingly, I only harbour slight admiration and some jealousy for her. Seeing as I’ve been trying to move on from you for 6 months, I didn’t think the news would have the immense impact it did on me, I didn’t think it would make me feel so sad and ashamed. Sad because it raised questions in my head: why her? Who is she really? What is it about her that makes her special? What attracted you to her? Why wasn’t I ever good enough? Ashamed because I was literally filled with sorrow and pain while dropping tears over those thoughts when I have a man who loves me more than anything in the world, a man I love in return and whom I’m good enough for, one who makes me feel like I deserve all the good in the world and shows me they can be mine, one who never makes me question my importance. Ironically, he’s nothing like you.
How do you still have this crazy hold on me? How do you show up and ruin all the control I have over my feelings? How do you unwittingly cause issues between me and my man because he tries to understand I’m human but also feels like you are a ghost that will never go away? How do you make me question every effort I have made to move on from you? How do you make my weaknesses hit me so that I feel like less than I am? How did I get in this mess where I have to keep comforting myself with answers I’m not sure about? Is this how you felt when I got with someone else?
I now realize that although I thought of the eventuality of you getting into a relationship with another, I never fully prepared for it. Somehow, I wish we had gotten together and not worked, so at least, my idea of ‘what ifs’ and ‘why nots’ would have been demystified, but wishes of course are not horses. I have to find new ways to move on from you or I’ll never stop asking these questions, I already came to terms with the fact that I will always love you but it’s probably time for you to stop existing to me, not only for my peace and relationship but also out for your own happiness and out of respect for you and her. It really is amazing how far I’ve come from thinking I needed you in my life to keep me in check to doing this now.
It’s great that you finally want to open your heart and be vulnerable with someone the way you could not be with me. I might never get my answers but it’s really not my place to understand. I’m glad you finally met someone who makes you happy, you don’t deserve less. I wish I could cheer for her the way you did for my man when he came into my life but I can’t pretend I will extend the love I have for you to her.
I hope you stay happy.