So, “sex without feelings” is this new skill that all the cool kids have acquired. We used to think it was impossible but with the right tactics and soft skills, it can actually be achieved. I threw the issue to a couple of my friends and my experts are divided in their thoughts. Some say, it is very possible to have sexual relations with a person and not catch any “feelings”, the others say, it’s impossible to not catch feelings, especially if the sex is super awesome!

What do I think? Well, I have been thinking a lot about this and I think I have created the perfect formula for the best way to have sexual relations sans the dreaded feelings. Ready?

Rely On The Tried And True

Do everything like you’ve always done it, do everything that’s been statistically proven to work, do something Cosmo suggested if you’re feeling brave, something completely ridiculous and reaching you wouldn’t have the effrontery to try on someone you actually liked. Skim through the sexual script and linger over the good parts. Concentrate on the task. Set your fingers/penis/tongue/whatever to cruise control. Go on vacation in your head. Go faster when they’re close.

Don’t Look At Them

Of course, look at them because you have to, but try not to really look at them. Don’t look at them in any way that transcends looking. Don’t notice things. Don’t get lost in their labyrinthine geometry, the delicate latticework of their cells, the crisscrosses in their hands, slightly dry. Don’t think about the way their skin feels, the soft coolness of their belly you know they consider before letting someone kiss, like suede, cardboard, petals. Don’t overthink it. It’s just skin.

Don’t Look At Their Eyes Too Much Either

Of course look at them because you really can’t avoid it, but look at them like eyes and nothing else. The way they go from brown to black like a lifting storm, or black to tinted jade like honeyed absinthe(which is absolutely divine by the way), don’t read a pattern in the change. Try not to feel like you’ve been let in on some great cosmic secret, something so private and luminous the subtle flickering beauty of it in any other circumstance would bring you to your knees. Ignore the eyes and focus on the mouth.

Don’t Open Up To Them

This is  major! Don’t make yourself vulnerable, become malleable in their hands, or let them do things you used to only let your ex. Don’t show them the way to your core, how to get under your skin and into the shadow space, past the pleasure point and into the muted center.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Stay The Night

You might think this is a Hollywood cliche. Don’t do it. Don’t wake up next to them in a litter of overturned blankets and clothing and calm breaths and tangled hair. Don’t invite the morning gaze, the naked deliberate stillness of it, the playfulness, finality, the inevitable question mark. Don’t let them see you like this. Don’t let yourself see them.

Don’t Do Stuff Together Afterwards

Warning: You don’t want to end up looking like two lovebirds. That’s disgusting. So don’t do anything that invites interest or laughter or any form of getting to know each other. Don’t have a three-hour champagne brunch or play LUDO or Xbox or cuddle and watch TV. Don’t cuddle period, AND under no circumstances should you let them spoon you. When it comes to feelings, spooning is basically asking for it.

Don’t Let Yourself Be Fascinated

Don’t get drawn in by their particularity, the sound of their laughter, the curvature of their neck, orbital bone, spine. Don’t read too much into the gestures. Don’t pour your soul into the kiss. Don’t destroy the moment by trying to make it anything more. It’s just a kiss, damn it!


And that’s it, folks! Let me know how well this works, I’m really curious. Oh, please add up more tips, we need to educate the world on this phenomenon.

Photos: Pinterest


  1. Osasu Elaiho
    While I think it is sometimes possible to be entangled with an individual without emotional feelings becoming involved, it is a rarity.

    The points highlighted above though had me wondering if you were being sarcastic or it was for real because mein…having sex with someone and not looking them in the eye?

    I can’t even consider being intimate with someone I can’t be friends with. I’m definitely not a cool kid then because while I may be able to separate love from sex and easily have a “Friend with Benefits”, I would still have some sort of connection with them else, what’s the point?

  2. Larz
    For something that is supposed to be “fun and carefree”, it sure has a lot of rules.

    Definitely not for me.

    But here is another rule. To ensure you don’t catch feelings, do it once and walk away.

  3. Larz
    PS- sex gets better overtime with someone you do love if you are all being honest with each other. The more you know more of each other, the better you understand how to pleasure each other.

    Trying to have sex with all these rules just makes it a process driven idea than an intimate one. Yes, you may both be the most experienced sex mates but that doesn’t mean you both are having the best sex you can possibly have. Why? Because great sex is custom made and it grow as your intimate knowledge of each other grows deeply and you both feel secure

    1. vanilla
      “sex gets better overtime with someone you do love if you are all being honest with each other”
      This post and ‘love’ should not be in the same sentence because this is a ‘chop and clean mouth’ guide. It is everything minus Love!!
    2. thetoolsman
      *sex (should) get better overtime…
      Im glad you put in the clause of honesty but even before that comes communication. If y’all aren’t expressive enough, nothing’s going to change…
  4. Buchi
    It seems very hard to get right, considering the rules, but I hear that when you get it down pat, it’s a very handy and liberating thing to do.

    One nugget I can maybe offer (don’t know how I know), don’t get involved with someone who in your head, ticks all your predetermined boxes. And there are boxes. And when you find yourself beginning to go too deep, jump ship immediately.

    Another advice might be to not get too good at it that you can’t really function later on in a real relationship. That’s a very comfortably lonely place to be in.
    That’s what I heard.

    1. Morris
      “One nugget I can maybe offer (don’t know how I know), don’t get involved with someone who in your head, ticks all your predetermined boxes.” – I agree, this is one ‘maybe’ way.
  5. vanilla
    I think this is something someone should do at least just once. X_X
    Yes? No?

    Well, we easily have unguarded conversations with strangers than we do with friends because we have no fear of being judged. Imagine if you apply the same mindset here. You will do all the things you cant do with a normal partner with this person you just met and don’t want to catch feelings for? you are likely going to try all your 50 shades of greyish fantasies you have ever had and orgasm while at it…..glory!

    Its the liver to do it that is the wahala…lol

        1. Kels
          But this “formula” is supposed to act like an Antivirus na. Stop the virus- feelings – from contaminating the system. Delete and reset. Delete and reset.

          Posted from TNC Mobile

  6. Cavey
    “we easily have unguarded conversations with strangers than we do with friends because we have no fear of being judged” I totally agree with @vanilla on this, especially the “you are likely going to try all your 50 shades of greyish fantasies you have ever had and orgasm while at it…..glory!” part but take it from someone who knows, they almost always end up asking you the “so what are we?” question after orgasm no. 5 and if you think it’s down to the big O, they ask you the morning after too. What happened to two adults having casual sex? *sigh*
    1. Brown sugar
      Ah! Cavey you are Mr.Loverboy na , you can’t comment and agree wit what this post is saying o! All ur fans will just run away . LOL!
    2. Don Flowers
      Dear Cavey,
      Please don’t stop.
      We are with our pen and paper taking notes. Endeavor to tells all the tinty winty details of the process through which you obtained this knowledge.

      * grabs pizza slice

  7. Kels
    “I think i have created the perfect formula for the best way to have sexual relations sans the dreaded feelings”
    So i read that and thought “oh finally, a solution in a bottle”. Got to the end and realized solution hasn’t really being tested, even by those who know 😒. I’ll just sit here and wait till someone arrives with a testimony. Amen Sister Amyn.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    1. Optimus Prime
      I have a slightly different tactical approach from what the LipGlossMafia listed above and it has been tested and trusted. It got me through my Uni days without hassles. More often than not, men know what they want and complications can only arise when the woman starts catching feelings. The following steps are the simple ways you can avoid any drama.

      1) Avoid careless talks.
      Don’t treat the partner like something more than she is. There should be no pillow talks, cuddling or talking about the woman one wants to marry. Matter of fact, never bring up anything that would lead her to think that maybe you crave more than just a casual session with her every once in a while. Women are expert readers of what is between the lines. The less you speak about the future, the better.

      2)No Romance.
      The gifts should be within the confines of your terms and agreement. So unless you are buying her sex toys or a massage oil, do not buy gifts that are personal. Buying her something that you think she likes will make her assume you want more than casual sex.

      3)Hit Once.
      This is the most important rule to me. The surest way to avoid the minefield of emotional entangling is to hit once and get out! Just walk away and never look back no matter how good the sex turned out to be. It can be very hard but try and convince yourself there’s a better partner out there. The longer you stay in it, the higher risk of downfalls and repercussions.

      If the agreement between both parties from the get go was a sexual relationship then there shouldn’t be a problem. The real McCoy is that some people fake romance at the start just to get laid and then switch up tactics after the fact. This is when things get really messy.

      So in conclusion… advice is men and women should set the records straight from the get go. There are many women who also seek sexual relationships because they are too busy with life. Be honest with what you want and stick to the script.

      My $0.02

  8. Sheri
    Hi all. This is not a bid to beg for money although it may be a strange request. I’m an expat looking to begin dance/fitness classes on the island axis. I’ve been searching all over for a few months for a mirrored studio but the only great place I’ve seen is to cost me about 20k for an hour which is a lot to ask for someone starting up. All I want is an affordable space. I have really great ideas and the talent to push it and make it work. If anyone knows somebody that knows somebody please reach out to me! I’m desperate!!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can be contacted on: [email protected]

  9. Dapo
    Time. That is what effs up the great thing that is sex without strings. Those who are well-versed in these things need to compare notes. Find out the average time before the “so, what are we(doing)?”. This would help a lot.
  10. Aggie
    There is always an exception to the rule. Don’t try all these, unless you know for sure you are not the exception that will still go ahead and fall in love with this trusted formula.
    I personally think a one night stand is the only way of having sex without catching feelings
  11. Morris
    @lipglossmaffia , you were obviously being sacarstic.

    I mean after reading 1, 2, 3, i figured you were just playing.
    4&5,I thought maybe ….
    But then 6 &7 just sealed it.

    If you are going to catch feelings, you will catch feelings.

  12. Mesozoic
    The kafkaesque involved with following your points because I want to become the, Coolest Kid in Africa, makes me go with-Daddy yo’ instead.
  13. Don Flowers
    Those who want sex without feelings should just pursue Polyamory. All that is written here will help no one but I think the knowledge that you both have at least someone else that you are frolicking with will greatly reduce the chances of feelings popping.
  14. Ramatu
    @lipglossmaffia, have I told you I love you? (No homo) This was so well written! And I think the only point you forgot to add was keep it short. Have sex a couple times and get out quickly. The longer you stay, the more likely you are to develop feelings.
  15. Omoovie
    Like Mr.Curiosity said”If you like use mask to cover your face while at it, one person will still find a way to spoil it” No matter how you fake it there are going to be strings someday and you will consider all this rules useless especially when you meet someone who loves that same idea,be sure things are really gonna get louder a bit
  16. Fae
    Mehh…… lets all be hoenest here. you can only have crappy sex and keep them feelings at bay, but i assure you, after a session or two of that overly great sex with that “stranger” who wont judge your weird shii and is totally willing to try new things and does things to you that legit make you lose your mind, i mean down to the point where sleeping afterwards is not an option (cos you both sorta passed out)……and swear to not do it again the next morning….and end up doing thesame tomorrow night even though we said we wouldnt, and then spending the whole of the weekend together, screwing out eachothers brains………trust me, those feelings(which youll obviously deny, which i’m obviously denying) will hold on to you like moss on a rock. issa hard life i swr.

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