What I’ve learnt in my few years as an adult is not to dictate how you think people should live their lives. You as a person do not have the right to tell someone what they should or shouldn’t be doing with their lives. If you do, the recipient of your ‘life advice’ has every right to tell you where to shove it, and you cannot be mad about that.

A lengthy article of bullshit appeared on the internet earlier in the week and it was a HOT MESS. I tried to ignore it – I really did – but instead of being irritated and angry about it, I felt sorry for the writer of the article. Here she was, a grown ass woman, telling another grown woman how to build her life around a man. I was sad because, unfortunately, women are often their own worst enemy. It’s women who tutor other women how to live as second class citizens in what they see as “a man’s world”. Women already have so many struggles to prove themselves worthy in society. The last thing we need is to tiptoe around men who are tensioned by our success and brilliance!

Some of the biggest fans of patriarchy are women. They tell other women to be less of themselves just so men can be comfortable. Nahhh! My name is S, and I’m in the process of becoming a magnificent luminous star – burning hot! Let these men with fragile egos be pressed.

I cannot stress this enough. Dear women, we are our own people. We are just as important as men, perhaps even more important (yeah I said it, bite me). Women DO NOT need to shrink themselves. We do not need to dim our gloriously shinning stars just to accommodate men. Fuck that.

I do not have to be a huge fan of Linda to respect her hustle. She is great at what she does. She cashes in sweet smelling cash and she’s living nice and comfortably. If you hate her for that, well… Never knock anyone’s hustle. We are all in this life working to make ends meet so you can decide not to like how someone else is getting their money. Stay pressed while they get paid.

Yes, Linda has quite a large stack of disposable income and has on several occasions poured out her desire to get married. Wanting marriage is fine; no one should be made to feel bad about the desires of their heart. What is unacceptable is telling a woman to lessen herself so she can keep a man. That’s a load of bull. The fact that you had to do that to get or keep a man doesn’t mean someone else has to. She is a successful woman who has worked for her money. If she doesn’t want a poor man, that makes all the sense, really. It’s her choice!

“Because there is no man, especially African man, that will not attempt to stifle his wife every now and then.”

Why does the writer believe that emotional abuse and manipulation are the norm in relationships? Why is it acceptable for men to “stifle” us “every now and then”? I am often the first to scream from the rooftops that men ain’t shit, but there are several men who have and will never stifle their woman’s success because her doing well makes them proud. They are supportive; and never feel threatened.

Comments like these encourage men to believe that the world is theirs and they deserve to be worshiped. Then, when a woman is successful and not dependent on them, they feel less important, which is a tough pill to swallow when you feel everything must be about you. Some men cannot handle a woman who can hold her own. They like their idea of always being the alpha and the thought of an alpha female threatens them. You guys, better fix up!

“No man with his head in intact, will be okay for a woman to control him”.

Why is it the women who are expected to submit to the man? Why must the woman always bend to the will of the man? Men and women cannot always agree and it shouldn’t always have to be the woman ‘bending’ to keep the peace, MEN should bend too! If there is some memo that says women need to subject themselves to be controlled by men, I didn’t get it. My grandmother who raised me didn’t pass on this message, and neither did my mother. 

“By your success alone, you have made many men feel a bit less manly. But if you do your math properly, do some adjustments and amendments, you won’t have any regrets.”

Please let the mediocre men who will be intimidated be just that. Let them be uncomfortable. Let them feel less manly. Do not make amends. Do not change up your life to accommodate an inadequate man. Never do that. Be who you are. If the man is legit, he won’t be threatened by you or your level of success and brilliance.

After a series of horrendous quotes from that awful article, let me leave you with some great words.

 “…we do a much greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males. We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man”

Ladies, that’s Mummy Chimamanda Adichie telling us to be woke. Forget about men with  fragile egos. We need to be bold. We need to be ambitious. We don’t need to care that our brilliance will intimidate men. We need to aim for the highest levels of all our goals and dreams. We are already on our way to greatness – anyone who doesn’t like it should get out of our way.

Responses

  1. Morris
    That article was painful/stressful to read, dayum… This i why i don’t read gossips, i hardly stumble on articles like that. I mean how could that simple statement from Linda inspire such a long article if you really really didn’t already have something against her.

    There’s no one, no single person; male or female; that will be “HAPPY” being stifled. Stifle is too strong a word sef

    3+
  2. E
    Hallelujah!!!
    Lol… Am having this project (program)for women next year in my school, Anty pls u are invited as a guest speaker. 😀😀😀

    Ok…lemme be serious… Pls u will drop something like this for me… While removing d f* words & co 😀😀…
    Thank you

    I don’t nid to say anytin pertaining this article, u already , its so lit🔥🔥

    1+
  3. Kambili M.A. Chimalu
    The title of the article alone could do the job as well. I cannot thank you enough for this!

    In Nigeria, women are allowed to dream so long as their dreams do not overshadow that of the man. I don’t have time for such nonsense.

    4+
  4. Tuminihally
    Thank you so much for this article. Of late all I have been doing is finding myself and putting myself first. I grew up with my mothers voice in my head always telling me that I would chase men away because I was too ambitious and that all I was focused on was acquiring degrees and living independently. She would say no man would come close to you because you would scare them always with your career and all.
    So everytime I meet a guy I am extremely submissive, I over compensate, I over do, I pet and pamper the man to the point that I become the giver and all the man does it take and take from me. Even at that I still get the whole you are too ambitious for me or some other silly excuse why the relationship should end.
    For a really long time I felt lonely and sad, I kept saying maybe my mother is right maybe I’m too much for a man. But now I know better. I am done putting myself down or limiting myself just to make a man feel good or manly. If I’m too much for you then go be with someone else. Your loss really

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    9+
  5. Nini
    AMEN… a friend of mine is going through this “stifling”process and she doesn’t want to admit it or even help herself. It is sad to see her go through all she is going through and not be able to “drag”her out.
    0
  6. Omo Onyeoma
    I might stay under a man’s thumb for a bit but the way I will spring out of that trap, he won’t believe it.

    I am intelligent. A slow guy is a thumb and even though I look humble and am, I don’t want to be less for the rest of my life

    I must be allowed to become

    1+

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