People say this generation is always annoyed about something. I say, why not? They say we’re sensitive and I agree. I’m so emotionally ticklish all you have to do is call my name the wrong way for me spark. Leaked episodes, shady pastors; these are the things that are making me mad at the moment.
Brother Femi, the pussy cat spokesman
Earlier this month, the British Museum announced that they would be returning bronze artifacts looted during the Benin expedition. Little did we know they would return the first so soon. Just before the return of the Lion King (tell me this isn’t the most imbecilic description of the Nigerian president ever), Femi Adesina—aka the spokesperson who is better silent than talking, who knows nothing and believes biblical exegesis is the perfect way to display his intellectual capacity for analysis—chose to, once again, earn his pay in the only way he knows: by publishing mind-numbing drivel in defense of his boss. This time, in line with all pompous cats in the word, he tells us he’s been to London to see the king.
It’s touch to imagine what sin we’ve committed to deserve these people. After the wonders wrought by the spiritual titans Doyin Okupe and Reno Omokri, we now have Femi Adesina and Bashir in their place, proving true Einstein’s statement that the only infinite thing is human stupidity. In all these, we thank the British Museum for their magnanimity in returning our aging lion king, and more importantly, we thank Pastor Adeboye, whose miracle has returned strength to the weary legs of the Lion. God be praised.
Uncle Yomi the incompetent lawman who wants respect
We all know Yoruba people like respect. It’s coded into their DNA, and passed on through generations via kneeling and prostrating. This display of respect is understandable among families, but it makes no sense in the public sphere. Enter Yomi Shogunle, spokesman for the Nigerian Police Force, who came online to whinge about how he was disrespected by someone who sent him a direct message and addressed him as Yomi.
Now, that isn’t even the most outrgeous thing Uncle Yomi has said in the past few weeks. That accolade goes to his foolish defense of the Nigerian police force against a report that classified them as corrupt. Tweeting like the millennials he loves to deride, he gleefullly mocked the people who wrote the report.
Now, there’s denial, there’s lying, and there’s whatever combination of the two Uncle Yomi was trying to pull off. Many Nigerians will rather be accosted by hoodlums than by the police. With thugs and thiefs, there’s a chance you’ll escape to tell the story, or that someone will spot then in the act and report them to (gasp) the police. But when the police is robbing or manhandling you, denying you of your basic rights, there’s no one to save you. No one. To counter Uncle Yomi’s silliness, Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their horror stories, and, believe me, the stories are truly horrific.
Aunty Obianuju, grand patron of our heritage
There are Nigerians who go abroad to disgrace our heritage, like Dammy Krane when they arrested him allegedly for fraud (before his eventual release which no one cares about, obviously). These are recognized threats to our collective image, and they forever taint our green passport. But there’s another class of Nigerians who are equally bad in painting our culture with the wrong colours. A good example is Sister Obianuju who, in her spirited anti-abortion screeds, thinks she’s representing the Nigerian culture.
No one is saying she shouldn’t be culturally conservative. Some brilliant people can mount clear pro-life defenses. But to go to international bodies and argue that contraceptives and abortion are against our traditional values is so insulting to many Nigerians who aren’t averse to the progression of their cultures. You know, like those Nigerians who no longer think you should murder twins, or that you should bury a king with one of his servants. Instead of finding more intellectually astute arguments, she resorts to shouting. I don’t blame her. I blame the international media bodies who continue to invite her and make women like her representative of Nigerians. No one is saying you shouldn’t be pro-life; just point your beliefs towards the religion they obviously come from, not to a culture that isn’t cast in stone.
— Obianuju Ekeocha (@obianuju) July 11, 2017
Senators we should never hear speaking
Anytime the Academic Staff Union of Universities in Nigeria embark on their now perfunctory strike, many people come up with opinions that seem to jostle for top points in stupidity. This week’s top prize goes to the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Tertiary Institutions and TETFund, Senator Jibrin Barau, who spoke in response to Nigerians calling for the children of public officials to be restricted from studying abroad. That request is silly, in truth. But his response is even a greater display of anyhowness. Here’s his statement, which I’ll let you assess yourself:
“Making a law to bar people from taking their children outside to study is something that will not be good for our country. We know that it is always good to mingle with people from other parts of the world when it comes to the issue of education.
“You cannot be an island to yourself; interaction is very necessary. We also allow people from other parts of the world to learn from here. You are aware that students from Cameroon, Niger and other parts of the world come here. We have exchange students who come from European nations to this country. You must have that interaction.”