Hey people, good morning and welcome once again to the Rush. Who elses Saturday evening/ Sunday morning felt incomplete without the usual Rounds update? I was so sad I had to resort to Thisday and Punch instead… Such a snoozefest. Anyways, I hope everyone had an enjoyable and restful weekend and y’all are ready to blast this new week all the way into the weekend again. I’m kidding, you should enjoy every single day that the Lord made.

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On to today’s post. So it’s summer time (well, I know it’s been raining like crazy in Lagos but rainy weather is weather for two so it also counts) and everyone knows what that means… Summer P! For those who somehow don’t understand what I mean by ‘Summer P’, your Summer P is that guy or girl that you have a little usually meaningless fling with over the, yes you guessed it, summer period. Summer is especially notorious for this because the sun’s out, (except for in Lagos -___-) school is out, people are taking leave from work to travel and there’s just a general sense of excitement in the air. All you need is someone to share that excitement with on a day-to-day basis and you’re ready. However, for the people in relationships, statistically summer is the period where you’re most likely to end the relationship or at least hear your partner say these four dreaded words “I need a break”. Yes I just made up a statistic based on nothing remotely factual, but think about it, who wants to break up when it’s cold outside?

So are breaks ever a good idea? Do they strengthen the bonds of the relationship or do they just allow for misbehaviour? Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this today, I have two scenarios for us… The first one is personal and anyone that laughs at me will be banned from the site. #nosmileshere. I had been dating this guy for a few months when one day he called my phone to ‘confess’ that he had been unfaithful in the relationship… He begged for forgiveness, said it was a mistake, he doesn’t have feelings for the girl and infact, they didn’t even kiss once. Like that’s meant to help things. Anyways, as soon as I heard, I did what many young and in love girls would do… I asked for a break. I already knew I didn’t want to break up with him and I would forgive him, such was the depth of my mumu-ism for this guy but I wasn’t ready to seem like a fool.

So I took casual leave from the relationship for two weeks for us to “think things through” and then came back to tell him all was forgiven only to find out my n*gga had moved on and didn’t want the relationship anymore. Things got so bad that at some point I ended up being the one begging for the relationship, I had unwittingly allowed him space and time to get over me and continue his dodgy dealings with other girls with no restraint. His biggest excuse was, we weren’t together. Words can’t even explain how foolish I felt but let’s not get into that. The point is, instead of him to spend the time thinking of how he could win my heart and my trust back, he lost focus and got carried away. Me asking for a break initiated what became a slow and painful break up over a period of about a month.

In the second situation, a couple that had been dating for the better part of two years found themselves drifting apart from each other because they had reached that stage in the relationship where things were more or less a routine. After having some long discussions and deciding they were in love (yes Toolsman, love is a decision, but let’s not get into that right now) and didn’t want to end things so drastically, they decided to go on a break to see if they could live without each other. It turns out, the girl could live without her boyfriend and she eventually got carried away in their down time and started seeing another guy. Her biggest excuse was that her and her guy weren’t talking and she was getting attention from this other guy. Oh and don’t forget, according to her logic she never cheated because technically they were not together even though it was clearly a break not a break-up. Obviously the relationship ended after that.

I know you thought the second scenario would be one where the couple goes on a break and things end happily ever after but those are two very real events and of all the people I asked only one person had ever had a successful break period. Successful breaks are definitely the exception and not the rule. Most times in relationships once one or both parties are given the chance to look outside at that grass that remains permanently greener, something is going to change and in my opinion it’s usually not for the better. I personally feel that a better way to get over issues in a relationship is through increased not reduced communication. For instance, in the second scenario if the girl was more focused on finding ways to make her relationship more exciting, she would have had less time to focus on other people. Even in the first scenario, if my ex had just seen it as a situation where his girlfriend is angry with him, he might have tried harder to mitigate the issues rather than leave me to “sort out my feelings” on my own. But obviously these are nothing more than my assumptions.

I’d like to read some of your thoughts and assumptions on this whole “taking a break” issue. Have you ever been in a situation where going on a break was NOT a prelude to a full break-up? When your partner tells you they want a break, do you see it as a means to grow stronger together or do you over think things and decide they must be trying to end the relationship? Sharing is caring people and everyone needs that extra dose of TLC on a Monday morning so use the comments section generously.

P.S. If you laughed at me, expect your ban in an email soon. Have a great day everyone and see you on the flipside.

Queen of The Rush signing out!

Responses

  1. Yemisi
    I always thought taking a break was not such a bad idea.It sometimes help people think things through.
    But, since I read a post on an article here on TNC that said "Space is the request of the confused.You cannot both want me, and not want me".
    I tend to agree with this quote.
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    1. Fola
      Space is truly the request of the confused but sometimes u need your partner 2 assist in clearing your confusion not let u be or give u space
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  2. Gbaymee
    Just like the second scenario, I once asked le boo for a break cos I thought we were kinda drifting apart but he dint agree to it. He told me that we had to work out our issues while still actively in d relationship. Now we stronger without any break and looking back now, i think a break would have led to breakup
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  3. Bella
    Nay! When a relationship is getting sour, taking a break only worsens things,thr couple drift further apart. Out of sight, out of mind.
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  4. hardehyi
    I have done the whole break thing and though it worked because we got back together after the 2 weeks and things were fine. But 9 months after, we ended the whole relationship. It was more like postponing the evil day I guess.
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  5. intelcentral
    In my dictionary( and most dudes I know) a babe telling me she needs a break is as literal as saying let's pack up shop coz it isn't working. We (guys) also tend to use that line as an out of a relationship we are getting fed up with. So Nay to breaks! Its better to either trash things out and forge ahead or break up totally…..
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  6. chuwechuwe
    My scenario has lots of complications but I will simplify it to this. My ex requested a break and I resisted as hard as I could at the time because I really loved him and we had been dating for a couple of years. he had a dozen not particularly good reasons. One of them was we both needed to see what else was out there before settling down. Eventually he won (much to his delight. I suspect he had someone waiting in the wings and he wanted to have guilt free sex) and we took the break. He immediately dropped off the map and started seeing other women. During the break, after the initial heartbreak and tears, I worked out that not only could I live without him, life was better without him. I eventually met a lovely guy and decided to move on with him. My ex caused so much emotional drama for me telling me how much I had betrayed him… go figure lol. And how he always knew in his heart that he would marry me but if I went through with dating this new guy he could never forgive me *chuckles.* I confess I enjoyed telling him that train left the station while he was enjoying his break.
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          1. chuwechuwe
            hahahahaha I accept the label shamelessly. Surely it is a lopsided deal where during the break, the man is entitled to run around with whoever is willing and expects me to sit alone and miss him.
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  7. rusell
    Lool when I just made a very long list of why we need a break yesterday as in i practically wrote it down… Think I 'll scratch and discuss issues instead. Then again its ramadan!!!!!! Lock your horns!
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    1. Reni
      Haha, a peaceful discussion can certainly be had. If you want to continue the relationship i definitely say talks over silence x
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  8. @cereal264
    As far as I'm concerned once you start a break, its just a way of telling me its over cos relationships are not like sessions in school where you go on holidays and come back to things the way they were. A lot of things definitely would change in the period of break so for me you are either in or you're out
    #Shikena
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  9. Tori
    "Taking a break" or "taking some space" are just euphemisms for breaking up.
    I have tried the whole "space" thing because I wanted him to sit up, I didn't really expect it to happen. But things pretty much went downhill from there.
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  10. larz
    First of all, I think we need to stop seeing breakup as bad. Dating is a means to an end. Let’s be simplistic here and assume that the aim is to marry and stay married then wouldn’t you say dating is to find out the person we are meant to be with and weed out those we weren’t meant to be with. Doesn’t that mean the end of every relationship is a success because you managed to dodge the bullet? We need to see past our hurt and embrace it. Aluta continua as they say (continue your hustle).
    Anything worth having is worth working HARD for! We work hard to prepare for exams, job interview, promotion etc. Why does relationships have to be any different. If it is broken, fix it. If it can’t be fixed, can it! Usually, when people are taking a break it is usually because it is broken and both want to find out if they are better apart. More often than not, they are.
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  11. Eka
    Knowing the kind of person I am, A Break is somewhat the 'beginning of the end' for me. And in the likelihood of a Reunion, it's almost never the same. Coz the break only causes pple in relationships to driift apart (well, least one party drifts) resulting in more issues.
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  12. Eka
    I agree with the person above who said it's just like 'Posting the Evil day'.. ! I tell ya! .. iits better for y'all to even break up sef and find other pple…if y'all are meant for each other, the universe will for sure (through the help of cupid)… make ur parts cross again!
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  13. larz
    Let’s say you are on probation at work (dating is probation, marriage is the real thing) and you had a disagreement with your boss. You immediately ask your boss for a break cause it looks like this might not be working for you. Assuming boss is a one-man band and is relying heavily on you. Now bearing in mind that your boss is at his most vulnerable, not only is there the clash, your seeking a break makes him identify two risks a) if he terminates your contract it has less impact on his company as you are on probation (messy divorce) b) better to start afresh than to make an unhappy employee permanent? If you came back to discover that your boss has terminated your contract and has someone lined up, does that make him a bad person?
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  14. @Sirkastiq
    It’s wrong to generalize and say “breaks” are bad because some eventually turn out for good in the end.

    What hurts is the imminent pain that comes with having to seperate from one you love for whatever reason.

    The phrase “maybe we should go on a break” brings along lots of hurt, pain, self searching, complexes and sometimes sickness. You’re hurt to your stomach that someone you care so much for has seen a void in the relationship you share and is probably worn out from fixing/trying to fix it that they just want some air.

    Of course, some ‘breaks’ are selfish and cowardly as they are just a cliche way of saying “I want out or I want to fuck someone else”

    I’ve been in this place and I saw it as a call to action; I was determined to show my girl why a ‘break’ was a bad idea; We were apart for all of 2 days without communication and on the 3rd, I hit her with my most heartfelt message asking her to please come back. I backed it up with actions that showed my intent, In no time, we were somewhat rolling again.

    I thought it was all good in the hood…

    Days later, she asked for a break again

    Days o!!!

    Not even months :'(

    LMAO!!!

    At this point, I was weak and I realized something that has guided me ever since:

    “If you really love someone (yes I know love isn’t everything) but if you really love someone, you’ll find that one reason why you should be with them, not dwell on the numerous ones why you shouldn’t.

    Having said this, breaks might be Life’s (read God if you believe in Him) way of pruning relationships. Either to take her away from you so He can work on you for someone else or to do some work on her for you. Eitherway, whatever will be eventually will be.

    Like pain, breaks aren’t all bad, they just help you see where there’s a problem.

    and hopefully, you can work on it.

    Oh yeah, she hasn’t returned since the second leaving 🙁

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    1. Larz
      Wow!

      I hear you Mr Saka. It sounds like u were really into her and did all u could to hold on to her. It takes two willing ppl to make it work at the end of the day. Good luck

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    2. Resquared
      "If you really love someone (yes I know love isn't everything) but if you really love someone, you'll find that one reason why you should be with them, not dwell on the numerous ones why you shouldn't."

      That is all.

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  15. St John
    Breaks? maybe Yay,maybe Nay. as far as breaks go (in relationships) I see it more as let the chips fall where they may, just took one days ago not because I didnt love le-boo anymore but her actions show she might not be into "us" anymore (ofcourse she protests this everytime it comes up) but of course "actions speak louder than words"…so yea if the break leads to "her" discovering she is better off,I'll be happy for her,if she discovers the opposite….well……point is whichever way it goes, something valuable would be learnt not by me alone but "us" both.
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    1. feyikunmi
      You sound like someone I know. And it's this same 'whatever happens' attitude that may just cause the end of his relationship. From your write-up it seems your girlfriend did not actually ask for a break, you simply gave her one. Either ways, if you're okay and 'happy for her' if she discovers she's better off, then I wonder if you really loved her in the first place…
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      1. Tiki
        lol I think you both are the boy and girl in said relationship.

        Why not just call each other and talk, instead of playing games? Life is too short to NOT be with the one you love, for now.

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  16. critik9ja
    Honestly, breaks are outtta help but I took a break once and his insecurity led him to ask for a break up. He had been choking me with affection tho so I honestly did need some time to miss him. He pressured me more and I accepted and we neva got back together. We both lost sha.
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  17. ijebuPrincess
    1. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. SUMMER. IN. NIGERIA.

    2. Went on a break once with the current lover, way back in our early days. Twas kind of like it was only me on the break though cos the lover just kept on calling and bugging and begging. I refused to pick his calls at a point asking that he respect the break and let us breathe for a while, but he didn't back down.
    We eventually 'got back together' cos i must say i found all the attention quite sweet and welcome. It was after this that he warned me seriously never to try that again, and that couples don't take breaks when dating, its either in or out. Then he said *drum roll please* "only married couples can take breaks during the course of their marriage".
    Come and see argument that day. I still don't buy this idea sha. Why would a married couple want to take a 'break'? where are they 'breaking to?:S

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    1. chuwechuwe
      "only married couples can take breaks during the course of their marriage". oh my!!! I always thought that marriage meant you had worked out that you would like a permanent breakless relationship with someone lol.
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  18. Anon
    na from sneeze catarrh dey start abeg. Break = breakup in my eye sha.. no dey put hope sey it would be temporary… most times its permanent
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  19. Marilyn
    You people have succeeded in scaring me to change my mind. Refused to read this post Monday cause i knew this would happen cause my current break was just fresh out the oven then. Its been almost a week i asked for a break from the man because he was starting to be too comfortable, not treating me like the queen i am not like i actually want to end it with him. After calling and begging for maybe 3/4 days, I've just realised its been dropping. When he does call now sef, doesnt seem so keen on anything just routine convo. That's why i came back to read this. But after all my ginger, how will i now tell him break is over? He'll just laugh, never take me serious and return to his old ways
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    1. Tiki
      Do you really want a guy whom you have to threaten into appreciating you?

      My advice, start grieving. Either for your relationship, or for your lost chance at true love if you manage to convince him to get back with you.

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  20. igee
    Yay to breaks,dey’ve helped me in a relationship….and if u guyz r goin to break up it’ll still happen, tho I wld prefer if dah happens b4/after d break & not during.
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  21. bimbyz
    Breaks should make things better (or worse), i guess. I have heard "Maybe we should take a break" twice in my life and it wasn't funny. First individual who said so even went on to say "I'm not ready for a full time relationship"…this was after two years o. For the second person who said it, i thought my world was crashing. I really dunno about these 'break' things…i dunno…
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