That Time Of The Month…

Yup, it’s another post for the ladies. Sorry guys! I’ll get to you in a minute. I promise. So, dearest ladies, let’s talk about periods. Yes, that wonderful visitor that announces its unwanted arrival every month with cramps and spotting. The necessary evil that comes with having two x chromosomes. That shit we curse Eve…

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Yup, it’s another post for the ladies. Sorry guys! I’ll get to you in a minute. I promise.

So, dearest ladies, let’s talk about periods. Yes, that wonderful visitor that announces its unwanted arrival every month with cramps and spotting. The necessary evil that comes with having two x chromosomes. That shit we curse Eve for. At least I do. I can blame Eve for the monthly torture that is menstruation, right? I’m just going to go with that. Bible scholars, argue amongst yourselves.

Periods are nature’s way of punishing us for not being pregnant, which is frankly quite unfair. I’ve done a good job of not prematurely introducing the world to mini-mes and what do I get? Stabbing pains, iron deficiencies and dizziness. A woman’s life is not easy sha.

And can we talk about the mood swings? This is something that came to me much later in my period journey. Indeed, it has been a long, winding, painful road. We started at Heavy Flow Avenue, turned off into Leg Cramps Lane and are now cruising steadily along Sudden Tears Street.

The first time I noticed it, I was deeply sad for absolutely no reason. I promise you, no one died or stole my meat. I just suddenly felt uniquely crappy about my life and everything in it. Literally by the end of that day, voila. Blood. Coincidence? Nah, bruh. Same thing happened the next month. And the month after that. Then I realised that this thing called PMS was far more than a plot device in shoddy rom-coms. It was living in my brain and in my uterus.

The crazy thing is that I started my period quite late so I was pretty anxious to join the “Big Girls’ Club”. Now that the thing has landed, I’m looking for how to return to sender, yo. Can we just pause this thing until we’re ready to do the whole baby making thing? Future baby daddy, agatchu. I won’t jeopardise anything. Just taking a long hiatus from monthly agony, ice cream binging and random sadness.

At this point, I have to state how annoying it is that all women’s emotional reactions are put down to period wahala. Not only is it insulting, the maths is wrong. This thing happens only once a month, dude. If I’m mad, it’s more likely because you screwed up, not because my ovaries conspired against you.

With that being said, sometimes I wonder if others can tell when we’re on our period – especially guys. Being on my period makes me very self-conscious. I have years of horrific public staining incidents in secondary school to thank for that. It just changes my whole demeanour and I wonder if it’s as obvious to others as it is to me.

Okay, that’s my anti-menstruation rant over. Anyone currently basking in that wonderful time of the month? Any horror stories out there? We all know how periods can embarrass somebody! And as for the guys out there, I’m really curious about how much you know about these things. Can you tell when someone is on their cycle? And have you learned to stay out of their way? Anyway, you know the drill. Express you, and all that good stuff.

Responses

  1. Jaz
    OMG!

    This write up is so pot on!

    Aunt Flo’ came visiting this morning and my day has been meh since…

    Aunt flo is so tricky though,in the months following the birth of my son- it came without drama or pain (even though it was so much heavier!) but now two years after the birth of my son, those goddam cramps are back *wailing uncontrollably*

  2. A.
    So perfectly timed as mine started today. I’ve gone through the period of where I can’t eat when I have cramps to being extremely hungry when I have cramps. Here is the problem; my stomach is hungry but my mouth and other parts needed for eating and digestion are not in the mood so I endure hunger pangs and cramps. When the cramps seem to have subsided, i stuff my face with food and guess what happens? The cramps come back!! So frustrating.
    Yes i’m also very conscious about getting stained even though it’s never happened (at least not to the extent that other people would notice).

    I’m hungry and not hungry at the same time and oh, my mouth gets really dry and I can’t keep drinking water because as mentioned before, my digestive system ain’t ready for it.

    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      You, and I can be Aunty Flo’s triplets. I won’t go into symptoms because I’ve fulfilled my gross quota for the day. Just waiting for the Red Lady to be on her way so I can get back to my life. Until next time.
  3. Ifeduyi
    This one time my girlfriend got her period on Valentine’s day. Safe to say the day was kept Saintly. I like to think she “did” it on purpose cos she kept mocking me. 🙁
  4. I.B
    I can say I have a lot in comon with you. Aunt Flo came late. Then she got heavier. Then she gave me hell of a lot of cramps that I had to go to the clinic for Pain killer injections. Ive fainted once yo! From pain!
    But now, just had a baby…going on 8months! And Aunt Flo hasn’t come yet…Boy…ain’t I glad?? Haven’t seen her in more than a year and I’m grateful for the sabbatical leave…Hehe
    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      Anyone who wears white while on their period would skydive without a parachute.

      Oh yeah, being a woman is awesome. Once they figure out how to outsource this bleeding shit, it’ll be perfect.

      1. Larz
        Loolz. Women tend to approach not seeing their period with dread (when pregnant, hormonal issues or reaching menopause). Maybe we don’t wanna outsource as much as we think we do.
  5. Olubukola
    My first daughter just concluded her first. I am both happy and apprehensive. Happy ‘cos she’s now a woman. Apprehensive ‘cos I’m hoping she won’t have painful ones. This was a sail through. I pray it remains so.
  6. Larz
    The year before I had my first period, I started having period like cramps i.e. rolling on the floor and wanting to die type. Everyone thought it was cause of my period was approaching (i.e. within the month) but it never happened. They also meant when I do get my period, it would be painful. How wrong weee they, ‘y period was quite easy and painfree, well apart from…contraceptions!
    Pills- I had pills but they made me put on a little weight and had mood swings. I also couldn’t commit to using them same time everyday
    Depo Injection: i swear, I only used it once (U r supposed to every three months). First month no period, then I bled for two months straight with a couple of days off. So I stopped using it. It continued for a while then settled for 2 weeks period for 18 months with mini pills to settle it. Oh and not sure if it was cause of the pills or not, or a combination, I gained so much even more weight weight in the two years it stayed in my system and painful cramps.
    Copper coil: this had no hormone thank goodness. But, the first day or two had the worst most painful cramps ever to the level of the year before my period. Lying on cold hard floor was bliss. They say it stops after u have kids. Well am testing that theory now, am back on but I haven’t started period so finger crossed
    So here is my theory about period cramps in Laraville
    1. God showed me painful cramps like he was telling me to keep my legs closed or else
    2. Obviously I didn’t listen so everytime I disobey him and try to find away around it (I always get tested and use contraception just in case whenever I start seriously dating someone), I get a reminder cramp.

    Just kidding guys, I know it wasn’t God. It was my mum, she became a witch or got some supernatural powers to make sure her daughters don’t have sex before marriage lolz. Well haha! jokes on you mum. Still love you loads ma x.
    PS: mum if u read this, someone hacked into my phone; none of it is true except for the loving you part lol

  7. Temi Niran
    My shit is just annoying tbh. And oh, I don’t actually know what heavy flow means. Like, how do you know if your flow is heavy?? I sha hate the sudden sadness, but then I’m relieved when my period comes b/c I’m like ” I knew I wasn’t a lil bitch”. Lmao I always want ice cream so can’t really blame period on that.

    My cramps have however gotten worse. They used to last just one day, but now they’ve entered the second day and I’m not happy about it.

    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      Talk to your village about those cramps. Ask them to release you.

      JK 🙂

      p.s. I know exactly what you mean about not being a little bitch LMAO. Honestly, it makes me question myself every time!

  8. Gemini
    Right in time. Beautifully Written.
    My PMS; very weird something.
    I have extreme highs or lows, no in-between. It’s either I am lit like that or am furious. Doesn’t stop me from annoying people anyway.
    I can be hypersensitive and overly emotional too. When my flow is close, say a week before, I cry too much. I cry for/about the silliest of things. Drop a call on me? I’ll cry. Reminiscing past heartbreaks?I’ll definitely soak my pillow. An internet story about some awkward proposal would lighten me up eeh, and heighten my mischief. Then some harmless statement by someone could come off as a conscious jab, and trust me to lash out…Hehehehe. Thinking about this now, I’d say that the multiple times I ended a relationship with my ex is correlated with PMS or menstrual symptoms.
    My vaginal discharge stops or becomes insignificant and less noticeable a week before I see my flow.
    Ok, going about the positive effects, I look so birriful when Aunty Flo is close! Thanks to Estrogen! I became super conscious of this since I realized that there was a particular time of every month when not less than 5 persons compliment me! tell me how beautiful I look and yeah, I feel my luscious skin too.
    I am also the baddest word-smith when I’m about seeing my monthly visitor. I became obviously more creative with words, orally and otherwise. I speak more fluently.
    I eat well too. I munch too much food during PMS or menstrual cycle itself, and I feel hungry easily and faster too. One bad thing about this is, I pick foods. I get the need to throw up whenever I smell something strong. For e.g, the smell of egg irritates me. My sense of smell heightens.
    N lastly, I usually feel my voice crack whenever I sing in an enclosed space, on a normal basis…but when my body is set to release blood, I sing sonorously; location notwithstanding.
  9. Blaqlotus
    I went from having painless periods to be admitted in the hospital for cramps only to find out i have fibroid. Babes please try doing a check up if your period has either gotten heavier and/or you’re having cramps you never used to have.
  10. Lipglossmaffia
    See ehn, this is just the worst. Like ever. When it comes, I start googling for people who might need Uterus transplant. And the thing that pisses me off is guys that that open their nonsense mouths to say, “you should be used to it nau” Kai.
    Let me not even talk again.
  11. Butterflymind
    Never really experienced the crazy cramps ever since I realized sugary stuff a week to Lil Red’s visit is my kryptonite.
    But God the mood swings, I can’t begin to explain those. The discomfort for the first 3 days isn’t even here and I wonder if the person beside me can smell the blood because I swear I can (could be in my head though).
    Asides that, my body gets bloated i feel like I’m familiar with what pregnant me will look.

    Periods are God’s curse to women as far as I’m concerned.

    When i think of all these transexuals, I hate them because dude gets to become a woman without a womb and menstrual cycles. That’s like having all the cool stuff without an iota of pain. Not fair!

      1. D.K
        2 and half?! Wow. You are so lucky. Mine is 5 days and half. I even have cramps on the fourth day sometimes.
        I think what I lack in size, I make up for in the blood I pass out. 😡
        1. Hermione Cullen
          You guys are balling. Mine is one full week every single day. Gets worse on the fourth day. It’s so erratic I stopped keeping track and just said when it starts, it starts cos if I count and it doesn’t come? Panic!

          Posted from TNC Mobile

  12. Sonia
    I have it easy compared to my sister, light flow, mild cramps and I doubt I’ve ever experienced PMS. She used to bleed heavily, throw up or pass out and we found out last year fibroids were responsible.

    What i find annoying is being caught unawares. You have painful cramps that indicate the period has started or is about to so you wear pads in anticipation but guess what? no blood. This happens every single time and for days till you give up and go without. Then suddenly in the middle of a presentation or right after penciling in a dick appointment, SURPRISE MOTHERFU**ER.

  13. Morenike
    This came at the right time. I have it in different forms every month. this month has been a memorable one, it came in 2 weeks after i had cramps for a whole day. the fact that it came late was one, cos a lot went through my head, even though i wasn’t doing any “dick appointment”, i was pills free and had no infection….. Its like i consulted with my God’s and decided to take the day off work Friday last week and look the visitor i had as early as 6am… cramps of life followed by the red flow which came in full force. I had 2 sleepless nights all in the name of being a woman. we are blessed but why do we have to go through the pains. Now the mood swings can be horrible or is it the pimples that it brings to your face like an alert. Sometimes i tell my friend i want to get pregnant.. lol.
  14. Amy
    My cycle is usually 35 days long and follows the textbook. I’ve had all the symptoms of PMS, cramps, larger and tender breasts, low mood, haywire libido, pimples, etc. It’s almost as if the texts were written with me as case study. When the period finally comes, the 1st or 2nd (very recently) days are heavy as f**k, don’t forget the unbearable cramps that I keep abay with NSAIDS (what will I do without these). I’ve had no babies neither am I married but I long for menopause.
    Being is woman is all of awesome nonetheless. Girl power💪
  15. Ibiela
    Wow! I feel bad for y’all. Aunt Suzy and I have a great relationship. She came when I was 14 so I was well prepared and educated. No pain, no stress, apart from the annoying smell on the 4th day we’re good. And she always makes her 4 week appointments 😀
  16. TheWeird1
    Lol…yh Dis just concurs with my belief dt wen u think u have problems, dere are ppl who have got it worse. I hate my period mostly because I’m uncomfortable and always beware of getting stained. Aside from that I don’t get any of the pms or cramps n whatnots…my period doesn’t even give signs which can be kind of annoying but m grateful anyway. Only time I get to feel it is wen I’m on a sugar overload.
  17. Meshel
    Timely! mine came by today… Compared to other times this one is quite fair to me I mean all I have is cramps, a little mood swing and shameless dizziness (I was in a meeting today I almost slept through it… I can’t even remember much of what happened there)… on a normal day my period brings with it asthma attack and even a sinus infection! i’d never understand how that happens.
  18. faith
    My period has a mind of its own. Anytime it knocks, I open. (Like I have a choice) I should tell a crazy story but I’ll be silent. This is another: didn’t see my period for almost 6months. First 3 months, I was happy, then I got worried. Saw the doctor who, after check ups, said I had gained a lot of weight which I need to shed. But if it really bothered me,I should get some pills. Periods came but was for two weeks. I used 1 double pack of always in 2 days. All the money I didn’t spend on pad in the past months,I spent double. I was fading away like play. Took another pill to stop the flow. Since then, whenever it delays,I don’t bother. Won’t wake sleeping dogs.
    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      I’m not a doctor o, but if you’re playing hide and seek with your period, I’ll suggest having that checked out. Periods can be irregular but this disappearing act you’re describing sounds worrying.
      1. fayte
        Thanks Funmi. I’ve been to the doctors severally and don many tests but nothing. I just notice that whenever I treat for malaria/any other sickness,I won’t see it that month or when I add weight. Asides this,no unnecessary pains/infections etc. Its more stable now tho cos I’m watching my weight.
  19. Ms Jahara
    Hi there, so i read this article yesterday and my period came at night. The speed with which i ran to the bathroom though because it should have come earlier in the day!

    The only problem i have is that my period is Seven days with heavy flow too!!! Well the first Three days..

    I enjoyed the article and the funny comments too.. Let me go back to holding my stomach.

  20. K. Rukia
    “Periods are nature’s way of punishing us for not being pregnant”

    Yes yes and yes to this! Having to sit up straight and smile at clients while the Battle of the Bastards is raging in my abdomen. Having to change tampons every 3 hours because of the ridiculously heavy flow in the first couple days. And the tender breasts, and random pimples… just, ugh!

    On a side note, I used to have a boyfriend who would cuddle me and rub my tummy softly when I had cramps. Better than any painkiller. 🙂

  21. Oiyk
    i don’t really remember how it all started but i just all of a sudden started getting to notice when girls were on their period.
    Yes i used to ask my ex about it and we talk about all the pains it brings and all. some can also be very annoying and i have seen some cry because of it (gives me crazy images in my head though).
    But how i started attaching their scent to knowing whenever the August visitor was around was another mystery i couldn’t just figure out.
    I guess all of this happened when i was sexually exploring, but now i don’t smell jack anymore. I don’t even keep tabs anymore.
    Back then what i did for my ex was use her birthday date to know the visitor would be visiting and also help remind her and she will be like “how did you know?” Seriously, i didn’t know how i knew too.
    Dazzall!
  22. Bunmi
    I dont even know if I should be happy or sad my period is irregular. Like once in 2years kinda irregular or once in a year or once in 6months. My period just comes whenever I likes. I used to be worried till I opened up to my mum mum she told me hers was exactly like that till she got married, apparently steady sex regulates the flow. Have done several tests and all seems to be good. Have only seen my period once and that was early this year. What I hate most about this is the period coming when I have even forgotten all about aunt flow, like when it happened this year, I was in church, that was so scary, I left the Church immediately. The fear that I can have it anytime, anywhere can even make me wear white as I’d love to.. I don’t know if I should envy you or not

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