The Age Conundrum

Opinion

***Opening Credits Score: Moonlight || Ariane Grande*** Girl meets boy. Girl and boy hit it off. The attraction is undeniable. They talk/text every day (maybe even go on a couple of ‘casual dates’ together) and boy ticks all the boxes in girl’s book. Boy and girl have a really good thing going for them. One…

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***Opening Credits Score: Moonlight || Ariane Grande***

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy hit it off.

The attraction is undeniable. They talk/text every day (maybe even go on a couple of ‘casual dates’ together) and boy ticks all the boxes in girl’s book. Boy and girl have a really good thing going for them. One night…

Tunde: …about your brother, I think you should just let him make his own mistakes. The only way he’s gonna learn how to jump is if he falls, you can’t always protect him.

Ayo: Okay. *in a teasing voice* yes daddy

Tunde: *raises eyebrow* oh you’re calling me old?

Ayo: Maybe :$

Tunde: Well are you complaining, o young one?

Ayo: Complain? Me? At all o! I like my men old and wise :D. How old are you, oh wise one?

Tunde: You’re the one good with numbers, you tell me. Birthdate: 20.04.1990.

*music stops, eerie silence follows*

“20.04.1990” keeps echoing in Ayo’s head as she repeatedly does the arithmetic in her head, although it’s not so difficult because she herself is a 1986 baby. She’s falling for a man – no, a boy four years younger than she. What’s she going to do???…

******

A couple of months ago, I was texting someone who I knew was intrigued by the idea of ‘Cavey’ and things were going very well. She’d told me she was twenty-nine and when I asked her how old she thought I was, she said I was definitely in my thirties and she needed to know how I had not been seized. I laughed to myself because again, I was at a crossroad (‘crossroad’ because she’d one time mentioned how she’d immediately zoned someone she found attractive because she was older than him with a couple of months). Now, I could easily have lied to her or made her believe her guess was true, continued ‘courting’ her till we got to a place where I knew her feelings for me would be able to handle the truth and we continue but I’d rather not build a relationship on a foundation of such a lie so I was honest. She didn’t believe me until I told her that I could easily have beguiled her, then told her my age and by that time, her feelings for me would have been so strong, she’d tell me “age is just a number and it doesn’t matter” but like I said, I’d rather not build a relationship on such deception. We’re good friends now but sometimes, she still asks me if I lied to her about my age because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her and it’s happened to me a lot – a potential relationship turned friendship because the world heard my cry after they heard hers – and I’ve wondered why ‘age’ is such a deal breaker in relationships so I turn to the TNC community to help me understand.

As defined by Urban Dictionary, Age (eyj) (n) is;

i. “something which is just a number”;

ii. “something that doesn’t matter when selecting a mate”

… and although lots of people are familiar with the first definition, they don’t agree with the second. In JS2, I had lots of seniors as friends who talked to me about their relationships and asked for my thoughts/advice so it didn’t come as a big surprise to me when in JS3, someone in SS2 told me she wished she could be my girlfriend but she can’t for “obvious reasons” but they were not obvious to me. I mean, didn’t people fall for those who they found mature enough? I’ve always known emotional maturity is not a factor of age so it being the reason why I wouldn’t be the envy of all my mates in Junior School was hard to take (judge me petty all you want but the possibilities were endless!). Anyway, over the years till date, I have never been anyone who was my ‘age mate’. I’m not saying I’m attracted to ‘cougars’ or ‘MILFs’ but ‘age’ isn’t a factor that holds major sway in my relationships. Probably why after high school, I knew that whoever I’d end up getting married to would have an ‘allowance age’ of +4 to -2 for me. Interestingly, in my first year in college, while processing a family visa application, I stumbled on my parents’ birth certificates and I was surprised to learn that mother dearest has 3 years older on my dad and they’ve made it work so far (their 36th Anniversary is in September).

There are quite a number of situations cut from the same cloth as Ayo’s & Tunde’s (who are completely fictional) where the man is very qualified to be siezed and is in every sense, mature enough to be in a stable relationship but the age hurdle comes to play.  Ladies, help me understand? Would you end a potentially beautiful thing because he’s younger than you, even when is mind is mature enough? If yes, why???

Image via Savvy Life

Responses

  1. Tumini hally
    Well the key word here is maturity. Most younger guys aren’t matured at all. Most times they act like they are doing you a favor because you are older; or they say stuff like you are mothering them or being overly controlling whatever that means. It’s harder on the older women because already society will see them as desperate and the younger men too don’t help matters. Yea you might meet a younger man you adore but his mind set isn’t ready for the relationship. So to avoid the aches and pains if he’s not matured enough please don’t even start it.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    6+
    1. Seriously...
      I agree with you on maturity as a keypoint. Thing is, though age is not always the best determinant of that. After all, we still see some agbalagbas acting like prepubescents.

      I would encourage anyone to keep an open mind over these things. If you guys have things in common, can laugh together, work together and have disagreements, etc. without someone constantly trying to pull rank, then give it a chance.

      On the other hand, if you know that you would really struggle to respect or love this person because of the age difference, then it is probably best to bone it.

      #Mytwocents

      3+
    2. Nnanyielugo
      Quite a lot of older men behave like toddlers too, in case you haven’t noticed.
      I prefer evaluating people via their personalities, though as it is an indicator of possession (or lack of) of a large number of preferred traits including ability to learn.

      Posted from TNC Mobile

      2+
    3. Cavey
      Hello Miss , although I can’t mount a great defense against what you have said, I’d like to remind you of the last couple of lines on the post where I said the guy IS mature enough to be in a relationship without spitefully saying bae is *chuckle* ‘mothering’ them.
      Oh and for being first AND delayed response, have two scalding cups of cinnamon infused coffee on the house ☕️☕️
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  2. Butterflymind
    This is a difficult one.
    Age is a number, true, but age also tells us how long a person has lived and +/- the level of experience they’ve had and lessons learned to estimate their level of maturity. So it isn’t ‘just’ a number… it is a number with a possible story.
    That’s one.
    Two, like someone already mentioned there is society. Now we can say that society isn’t the one in the relationship, but we can’t deny they can be a real big pain in the ass if you have to deal with being called a ‘mama’ or ‘child abuse’ at every turn. But who’s going to talk about le boo’s age anyway, right? Maybe his/her friends? Maybe the evil eyed parent? Maybe… *shrugs*
    Three, the mindset of the bae. Now this one is very subjective i.e dependent on the mindset of not just the proposer, but the proposee too. Now assuming la Chic is older, there is the possibility that la Hot thinks she is acting up– i those rare acting up phase– because she’s older… or she could think that he thinks so. Same goes if the guy has some light years on her. The psychological implication is often too much to be hassled with honestly.

    Ideally I’d like a +2 age bracket, but since the world is like it is, perhaps shift down to -1 will do.

    **Tempted to listen to that song*

    8+
    1. Cavey
      Allow me to disagree with you a bit, dearest . The number of years lived doesn’t necessarily determine maturity. Example; a 12 year old who witnesses the death of a parent and has to become responsible for the sake of his siblings could understand things like sacrifice and responsibility a lot more than an 18 year old who’s just learning about those things when he goes off to college.
      Two, doesn’t society always have something to say about everything?
      Three, thus a scenario where if boo’s age wasn’t known, bae would never even know he was younger; he has his life together, he’s emotionally mature and whatnot. What then?
      Cc
      5+
      1. Butterflymind
        I’m tempted to quote myself again, darling just for the sake of clarity.

        “Age is a number, true, but age also tells us how long a person has lived and +/- the level of experience they’ve had and lessons learned to estimate their level of maturity”

        The key word here is “estimate”. Like you I believe that age does not provide absolutes on the maturity scale, but it does help us with estimates on how much of life one has experienced or learned. Your 12yrs old scenario isn’t exactly the rule; it is an exception.

        On a general note I tend to find women of a certain age bracket more matured than their male counterparts of the same age bracket– with the exception of those who read a lot since we know what that does for a person. As for women, I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that even though we ‘age’ at the same rate as boys, women tend to grow faster than guys since we’re racing against biological clock.

        Two. Society does but we don’t always ignore all of it, do we? And sometimes the weight of the ‘talk’ is lighter than some cases.

        three. Still happens after the age is known. Psychological effects don’t exactly have a waiting period, nor can it be scheduled.

        3+
  3. Ray
    Well, I think if the feelings are good enough, if they are both mature and can handle it, if the man is not insecure and the woman is not a bully, then maybe they should go ahead.

    I can’t date a younger man though. I find I’m more matured emotionally and mentally than men my age and even some older than I am. A younger man is therefore a no no. I don’t like stress that much Abeg.

    Also, if marriage is being considered, men and women have different factors that make them ready to take the huge step. Age is one of those factors. I can’t be ready to marry at 28 while my intended would be 26, still pulling his life together. I don’t even advise men to marry before 30, and I certainly don’t want to have to wait till say 32 if I’m gonna marry. So, No No.

    2+
          1. Cavey
            Like my father fondly says, “the longevity of Methuselah had nothing to do with the sagacity of Solomon”
            Translation: age doesn’t equate wisdom/maturity
            cc
            3+
  4. Sparks and Tingles
    She was 29, I was 25. She was already under pressure to bring home a man while I was trying to put the relationship through the “test of time”. Afterall, I was just 25.

    On two occasions, people referred to me as her younger brother, I felt so young.

    She introduced me to her 27 year old brother as her friend, I was grateful to her for not saying “boyfriend”.

    The few arguments we would have had if we were agemates were easily attributed to the age difference.

    Then, I started wondering if I would still love her when her face starts having wrinkles, when childbirth has battered her once elegant frame, when she can no longer catch up with my sex drive…

    Three experiences have taught me that age isn’t just a number, that I’d have to be really crazy about her and we both wouldn’t care about the society to pull it off.

    9+
    1. Cavey
      Very valid points sir. Considering if you’d still want her to drape your arms when you’re 50 (and she’s 54) is a question men have to ask when considering marrying above although I’d like to believe that if you been able to put it through the ‘time test’ successfully, the age and brother thing would’ve been navigable right?
      1+
  5. Od
    I’m never worried about things like this. There is always a reason when people don’t want the work involved.

    I’ve dated older women and I used to consider girls more than a year younger than me as too young for me because used to consider them petty and insolent.

    Now, I really don’t care. I’m just interested in my match. Just someone who wants to take on life with me as a team. I’ve expanded my mind to marrying girls considerably younger than myself. If anything, I’m growing jaded about girls near my age and older. I’m often disappointed by their thinking these days. But whatever. I’ll marry anyone who can team up with me.

    As for a woman taking issue with my age…please do it so I can shut the door. Lol. Maybe I’ve grown too impatient with women but I’m really uninterested in the games anymore. If you can’t take life and make the best of it, I have little patience for you. Whatever you believe you deserve will not fail to come your way just because things either ended between us or never got off the ground. If it does, it might be because life does not measure merit yet. It simply provides gifts which you must learn to use to the best of your ability to actually acquire any merit that will come into play after life here is done.

    But…what do I know, right? 🙂

    4+
  6. B
    I’m dating a guy who is 18 months younger. Well, I found out his age before the whole thing started and I ended up falling for him anyway. I have never been in such a situation before but I can say it’s been a eye-opening experience so far. I don’t have a problem with the age difference.
    3+
    1. Cavey
      Hello dearest , I know it’s not really a big deal to me (but your resident Romeo is unfortunately nuts sometimes ????) but well done on dating a younger man. I’m seriously interested in “its been an eye opening experience”, especially how this experience is age related and not ‘boo’ related
      1+
  7. Buchi
    I do think the age thing is relevant. As a couple of people here have opined, one diaadvantage of the age difference is that one gets ready to marry while the other is still finding his feet. Especially true of the ladies. Even if you do date your age mate, it brings issues. Like , I’d never advise a man to marry before 30, then what happens if he’s dating his age mate? Would she also be patient enough to wait till that age? Especially in this era of peer and family pressure as well as the fear of disappointments.
    Tough to say what I’d advise. In my final year of College, I started ‘dating’ a girl a year older than I, long story short, she got married in December and I’m still single. P.S we were through at least 3 years before that.
    1+
    1. Cavey
      Hello , please help me understand how relevant the age thing should be. In my short stint in life, although women say they’d love to get married to rich/established men, I’ve seen that when it comes down to it, as long as the man shows potential/promise or in the linguo of ‘Think Like a Man’, “short term and long term goals”, the women are willing to make it work, even if it means they don the ‘breadwinner’ cap (because they love said man and believe in his dream)
      0
  8. Larz
    I used to think that I could only date guys that are older becuz I was far more matured than my age. But when you finish secondary school at 14 and you are in a professional job at 19; even entry level graduates that you meet at work are 24 or so. And I still found a lot of the 24 yos very immature. By the time I was 24, I was more comfortable with ppl my age but then they were struggling to fit in with my much older and matured friends.

    My bro has a differebt experience though. He is 2 yrs older than his gf and they met at Uni. They have been dating for 4 yrs and still going strong. My family knows their age difference and to my knowledge, they dont argue about her respecting / disrespecting him. And my parents/ siblings never question their age gap.

    In my experience, small minded men will always complain about disrespect. If they dont have the excuse of age to throw at you, they will have gender, career/ drive, ambition, your wealth, low sperm count (if they have one), the Bible or anything else they can to shut down that argument. For example, the lady who posted about her husband leaving the house at 12 noon.

    To answer your question Cavey, there is no one size fits all. Just like age wont be a barrier for some, it will be a serious deal breaker for others. I am a strong beliver in, when ppl tell you about themselves, however unpleasant it seem, accept it, even if it hurts to do so. If they say they cant deal with age, dont try and convince them of your fabulousness. Just walk away

    Posted from TNC Mobile

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    1. Femme
      Ha! finally a comment that gives me hope…sorta…*sigh*.

      I have never questioned/doubted the lifespan of my relationship (he is younger) more than i did today. It helps that it has never been an issue because we talk and laugh about it,and are kinda okay with it.. I do understand what everyone is saying though about one party thinking of settling down while the other is trying to get his footing. Like you can see he is actually trying…sometimes too hard…..to get to that comfortable level!

      I hope it works out for us because i love him. However, whatever will happen, i’d rather now than later.

      2+
      1. Cavey
        Hello ,
        I apologize for making you question what you have with him, that wasn’t my intention and I hope things work out for you two. Just so you know, the mere fact that you didn’t let his age be a hurdle for your love for him makes you all the more special and I love you for seeing that he’s trying. You’re amazing and I wish you whatever you wish yourself.
        0
      2. Mr. Antoine
        I stopped to read this post because I was certain it would make me laugh. My beautiful wife is 18 months older than, but i only remember when we are filling out applications.

        We dated for 2.5 years, currently married for 6 months and I have not for once even questioned the role of age in our union. In truth, marriages, unions are partnerships. Love, respect, loyalty and full disclosure wins it all. dispel any notion of age related immaturity because our reactions to events or scenarios (which often portrays our maturity) stem from experiences, upbringing, and religious affiliations. Also, we have limited control over what fate throws at us. How else can we be more prepared? Do you know that it is probably just in Sub-Saharan Africa that this age thingy holds sway? Where the male ego needs to be stoked continuously for the man to remember he is the man and everyone seems to have an opinion? Irrespective of age, reckless will be reckless, irresponsible will be irresponsible, useless will be useless, broke will be broke, and rich will be rich!

        It is however important for you both to understand that you are committed to making it work, encourage yourselves and pursue your hustle! Live your life free of societal structure which is not cast in stone; I wish you luck!

        Mr. Antoine

        6+
    2. Cavey
      “small minded men will always complain about disrespect. If they dont have the excuse of age to throw at you, they will have gender, career/ drive, ambition, your wealth, low sperm count (if they have one), the Bible or anything else they can to shut down that argument”
      God bless you, for this.
      PS: I have a theory that married women make the meanest gizdodo. You should invite me over some day to test my theory ????
      1+
  9. Optimus Prime
    If we say age is just a number then a jail cell is just a room. Let’s be honest with ourselves, the age matters a lot in human relationships.

    Yes, I agree age doesn’t always translate to maturity. However, maturity isn’t the only yardstick required when forging a relationship. There are other factors others might consider more important.

    0
    1. Cavey
      Probably.
      But in the event all those other ‘factors’ are in place and age is the only thing out of place, what then?
      0
  10. Nnanyielugo
    It all depends on the ages and maturity of both parties involved.
    Age is a number, yes but there are ages one is at that makes it unlikely that they would have experienced certain personality and behavioral changing occurrences.

    And yes, theory is good and all that, but sometimes, nothing quite beats experience.
    For example, it’s difficult claim that one would only behave in certain ways in certain situations when one has not actually been in said situations. And there are ages one would be at that it is certain that one has never been in above mentioned situations.

    It depends on the individuals though, and what they consider as priorities.

    Age, experience, perceived emotional maturity, personality; choose your preferred cocktail (maximum of two).

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    0
  11. AdA
    Am fluid and will change at will depending on what am facing that’s my truth. I thought a couple of months was my limit, being dating him 4 a while now, his five yrs younger and am not in my twenties. God is he a difficult child, yet all men are no matter their age or seeming maturity. So I would say, ppl get over yourselves, age is just a number, now your treat each other is what truly matters.
    2+
    1. Twisted
      Biko what is going on here?
      Haha!
      At first when i read this comment i was like “if she’s not in her twenties, then the boy IS still a child at 14 naa”.
      But i read it again…phew!
      0
  12. V3r0
    So we met online, started talking and he began to develop feelings, he asked for a relationship but I couldn’t see it happening cos we wer both in different locations. With time, he won me ova and we started the long distance thing, eventually we met (it was great BTW) but then he asked my age and I told him, cos I felt I was always the more mature one in the relationship. Eventually I get to find out he is actually 3yrs younger than I am..I tried to cope with it but recent conversations with him has got me thinking I can’t continue.
    1. He says stuff like I can’t see myself getting married in the next 2 yrs.
    2. Even after marriage, I dnt want to have kids for at least 2 – 3 yrs.
    Now the pressure to bring someone home is on, and av tried to “prepare” him for the possibility of having to get married but he believes I can and should wait for him, and makes me feel like d devil for even mentioning the possibility of marrying someone else.. Pls how can I continue to wait when av started getting lots of suitors and everyone keeps telling me not to let my time pass without making a choice else I may end up an old maiden if I keep rejecting all d suitors. Am at a loss, dear TNC readers, pls help
    0
    1. A
      Are you getting married because of external pressure and supposed time-ticking or are you getting married because you are ready & have found a ready and suitable partner?
      3+
    2. Optimus Prime
      Don’t miss the last bus ride. If he’s already telling you that he cannot see himself marrying in the next 2 years or procreating in the next 5 years then maybe he’s not the one for you.

      The woman he will end up marrying is just about completing her secondary school education.

      9+
      1. V3r0
        Thanks, I feel the same way too, but I also feel guilty for wanting to settle down when he isint ready. My sister says to just forget about him n move on but I dnt want to be a bitch and hurt him like that..I guess I was hoping we could come to an understanding and part ways amicably..*sigh*
        0
        1. Sparks and Tingles
          I am no advocate of cheating, but in the light of the situation, I would suggest you get close enough to the other suitors to be sure they are good enough for you, then break up with our young friend when you make up your mind about them. It is a business decision, be selfish for your own sake.

          Except you really want to wait for 5 more years and risk him saying “It cant work, my family members have issues with the age difference”

          10+
        2. Optimus Prime
          There’s nothing wrong in being a bitch and hurt him like that. You have to think about you first. What if(heaven forbid) you wait 2-5 years for this dude and he turns around and say you are no longer good enough?

          How are you going to claw back the lost years?

          Posted from TNC Mobile

          9+
  13. Chouchou
    Been there, done that, still doing that. All my relationships save 1 or 2 have been with younger men. I do not actively seek out to “rob the cradle” so to say, it just happens and I go with the flow of things. At best the very best has been an amazing soul with a heart of gold, at worst the very worst has been a bipolar, cheating, immature piece of sh*t. I don’t put either of those scenarios up to the age of the respective individuals, a good man is a good man, a jerk is a jerk regardless of age. I don’t exactly look my age so I guess that’s why I can get away with dating people up to 5 years younger than I am. Has it bothered me sometimes, is there a tiny part of me that’s insecure about my age because my partner is younger? Hell to the YES…in the past though, not right now.
    8+
  14. V3r0
    Ready…yes, but I can’t seem to get close to any of the suitors enough to know if I can marry them (and some of them are really good guys)..but bobo makes me feel so guilty for even considering any of them..yet he isint ready to settle down and doesn’t want to let me go. Should I just go ahead and try to get closer to said suitors, at least figure out if I can like one enough to settle down with??
    0
    1. Femme
      Oh pls! You are beginning to sound like a broken record. You state something, they advise you, you come up with another reason why you are stuck. You seem to like procrastinating which is why i believe is the reason you are still with him!

      Guys are pretty straight forward when it comes to what they want and he has clearly stated his. Tell him to meet you half way and if he is not willing to do so, just bounce if the terms aren’t okay with you.

      We sometimes feel we are with the best partner but when that relationship ends, you may meet someone that is even way better and next thing you know, you will be wondering why you wasted all those years with your ex.

      Get a grip, decide once and for all what you want,good or bad, be ready to deal with it and accept whatever comes. It is not a do or die affair.

      Oya, go ahead and state another reason why you can’t leave…..it’s your life.

      14+
      1. V3r0
        Whoa..I feel like could hit me if It was possible.. Oya sorry no vex, am just confused and taking every piece of advice into consideration. Some of the comments are just me thinking out loud but no worries, am not going to “state another reason why I can’t leave”. Thanks all the same.
        1+
          1. Chin chun
            I really like your mind. I really really like you. I always fall in love with your comments. Is this how you’re in real life? Are these really your thoughts? If so I’ll like to get closer to you.
            0
          2. Butterflymind
            Hi
            I love this name ????
            Thank you so much. I like to believe my online and real life personality aren’t separable.
            And no, this doesn’t even scratch the surface of my thoughts (I’m a lazy typist ???? )

            It will be my pleasure.

            1+
  15. freakyhijabite
    Hmmmm! If I came across this message years..a year ago, my answer would have been straight up “God forbid”….But almost a year ago, I met a guy who’s a year older than me (he looks and behaves nothing like his age by the way) and i’m hooked. He’s the one man that’s been able to get me to fall in love (I still don’t believe the age though….lol) but life as funny as it is, won’t let me have this guy. Well….this too shall pass
    1+
  16. !nk
    I also found out my mom is 3 years older than my dad when filling out those university applications. Age doesn’t matter much to me. I’ve always dated people from +3 years older to -3 years younger
    0
  17. Omali
    It’s really difficult especially in Nigerian society for a woman to date a man that is younger to her. Men always questioned the fertility of the woman the older she is they worry about whether or not she can have a child. There’s also the respect and pride issue. A lot of nen equate age to respect, the older you are the more respect. So if your woman is older than you they’re less likely to respect you. Also there’s also the erroneous belief that once a woman has kids she automatically ages some years. You combine that with the fact that she’s already older, they worry that within a few years that woman will look like Grandma.
    0
  18. moonie

    It’s a preference thing d end of d day,to each his poison….generally prefer SINGLE older men but exceptions can be made. I’ve learnt to never say never.
    0
  19. Og
    Maybe I’ll not be tackling this topic objectively because last year I found out that this guy who’s seriously been on my matter is two months younger than I am. I honestly cannot consider dating my age mate not to talk of my junior. Another thing that heightened my resolve was that he lied to me about his age. Now I ask if the decision would be the same if he was honest and I honestly can’t answer in the negative.

    It’s a mind thing actually. When I was in 3rd year in uni I was close to this 5th year guy and the moment I found out he was my age mate, about 5 months older than I was, I didn’t have the same respect I used to have for it again.

    Most probably how I’m wired and my current thought process. It’s very possible that my mindset will not be like this in the near future. But now, I can’t date my age mate or junior.

    1+
    1. Cavey
      Now this is interesting and what is like to understand. You said when you found out the 5th year was some months older than you, you lost some respect for him. Why? His maturity wasn’t hinging on his assumed age was it?
      0
      1. Og
        Err… How will I put this now? ???? Okay, he used to exhibit some childish traits before I got to know about his age. I used to put up with it until I got to know his age and it kind of registered and I saw the rationale behind most of the things he does. I guess I lost it at that point.
        0
        1. LOST
          Childish is relative. There are stuffs you will do and feel are matured and he will see as childish. I think it is a perspective thing.

          I’m still LOST!

          3+
    2. LOST
      Did you grow up at places like Ekiti, Ondo, Osun, etc States AKA ILU OKE? Those are places where respect is really about age. In a normal and civilised world, respect is suppose to be reciprocal.

      We subconsciously made decisions and build walls around ourselves due to circumstances relating to our upbringing, experience, exposure, etc which tends to rub on us at the long run. Age doesn’t really signify mature, as a 21 years old person can be more matured than a 45 years old.

      I think we should learn to be flexible and keep an open mind.

      The age difference thing is a two-way street and basically has to do with individuals.

      Anyway, what do I even know as I’m still LOST!

      0
    3. Butterflymind
      “…Most probably how I’m wired and my current thought process. It’s very possible that my mindset will not be like this in the near future..”

      This is fine just grow at your own pace and when you’re comfortable with the age bracket, you go ahead with it 🙂

      1+
  20. Viv
    I think the age really matters to me. I’m 18 but I see any guy 22 and below too young, because guys who I’ve come across within that age range act immature. So age does matter sometimes.
    0
    1. Cavey
      So you are of the prejudice that all guys who are >22 are all immature? Don’t you think that perception would make you unconsciously seek out ‘immaturity’ in every guy within that bracket and blind you from seeing a genuinely awesome guy who also happens to be say, 21?
      4+
  21. snow
    The force has allowed me to speak

    I believe this age issue is simply a preference issue. It doesn’t really have anything to do with our psychological evolution.

    I’ve seen guys in their 30s acting like kids and kids in their 20s acting all adulting.

    Sure there are immature 24year olds, There are also immature 26year olds and immature 35year olds. Immaturity doesn’t have a cutoff age, there is no age you reach where you through some eureka moment attain full maturity. Maturity is a continually progressive and growing process. It doesn’t end. It doesn’t stop.

    And it is extremely subjective. The 21year old girl probably sees a 26year old guy as mature. A 26years old girl will still see that 26 year old guy as immature and then see a 32year old guy as mature. That 21year old girl will reach 26 and begin to see her fellow 26year old guys as immature forgetting that at a certain age, she viewed a 26year old as mature. You get my drift?

    So what then defines maturity is a subjective question, of which exists no one universally accepted standard. Marriage or kids doesnt even make one matured.

    And dont say experiences, our experiences matter only if we learn from them. And we live in a world where a 23 year old would have served two tours in iraq, be a C.E.O or volunteer for an NGO and travel to help people while a 45 year old sits behind a desk at a bank having never left his city all his life.

    I remember reading a book where the author said, over 60% of our wisdom/intelligence and experience are piggybacked off other people’s experiences. Most of what we know today are known only because we had access to stories of people’s experience. Some of these are why a 21year old can be deemed more matured than 31year old.

    So miss me that talk of people of a certain age demographic being immature and others of another age demographic viewed as mature. This isnt the 16th century

    It is a personal preference thing. I even have mine and it isnt a psychological preference

    9+
  22. O'petty
    My man is 6 weeks younger and we both don’t seem to remember. He respects me as his woman and I respect him as my man. It is all in the mind, age or no age.
    3+
  23. Abi
    I have never seriously dated a guy younger than me but I have considered it. Honestly, age is just a number but he can’t be too young. My preference is 1-3 years (+\-)
    0
  24. Blaqlotus
    Age is just a number. I’ve dated someone 2 years younger. And i can say he was more matured than most of the older ones i’d dated. -3 +10 for me.
    0
  25. Ninirah
    The ‘ nothing but a number ‘ argument has never meant anything to me because ALL the younger guys I know are just immature. Or maybe I’m just a grand mother inside.
    Doesn’t help that I date mostly guys who are way older so when I meet boys I find myself mentally rolling my eyes every 5 minutes.
    Problem is I’m now in my 30s so older men are most likely married or have been. And I’m not about that life.
    2+
  26. M.
    Kinda confused, we def love each other, no doubt. Thing is I’m 4 weeks older. He likes young, petite nd spiffy. I don’t look my age but I still have doubts. Have got other suitors, dunno if I should be selfish or just be cool with him.
    0
    1. Cavey
      My two cents: talk to him about your doubts, dearest . I’d keep my fingers crossed for you that he allays every last one
      0
  27. Cruis3Captain
    dope post. I’m not sure if some of the good folks that commented saw the part where you said ‘Ladies, help me understand? Would you end a potentially beautiful thing because he’s younger than you, even when is mind is mature enough? If yes, why???’

    My interpretation of this starts from the scenario you painted at the beginning between Tunde & Ayo. Lovely couple, chemistry intact & sizzling. Magic carpet ride moment, I mean Aladdin, sorry, Tunde could bring a ring out at that moment and Ayo will scream yes. So everything is perfect in her world. By everything, if he showed childish behavior before, she could explain it off as a human thing. If he showed(or when he shows) mature behavior, it was legit, and true, and respected.

    (Mentally, emotionally, ‘maturityly’, ‘bedmaticsly’, intellectually or stupidly, they are mates at this point….abi na). Lets call this, Relationship Equilibrium (RE). An inner agreement(by each individual) that ‘Yes, this person fits’……

    So they are both on that ascension towards marriage…. then she finds out he is younger (by a minute or 10 years). Then she clams up and begins to doubt… (or she is not confused as to why they are both talking about age at that moment).

    It’s just ridiculous. There’s no justification. It is a psychological barrier in place. i.e. people will laugh at me. I believe there are many things that should come between people after they have attained RE. Maybe 1 partner is sickle cell, maybe 1 partner has a double life as a criminal, anything that can ruin the future.

    But age.

    A sum of total minutes since conception. Shouldn’t be one.

    For those that gave reason of babe might be getting ready for marriage while boy is finding his feet-1st of all, how/why is this a relationship? it’s an intimate fuck buddy situationship-would a younger age still matter if the boy is boxed up?

    So please let me re-ask, as Cavey asked,

    ‘Ladies, help me understand? Would you end a potentially beautiful thing (That has achieved RE) because he’s younger than you, even when is mind is mature enought? If yes, why???’

    1+
  28. OIYK
    Reminds me of my secondary sch boo. She was a year older. We were both crazy in love so I thought. But by the time we got to SS3 writing final exams, a close friend told me how she kept on hammering in the hostel that I was younger and all. Fast forward, valedictory/graduation and she kept saying I shouldn’t forget her bla bla bla & that if I got another girl I should bla bla bla. But I just dunno why she never spoke to me about the age and I had to get the news of it from an outsider. And yet she kept blocking younger girls from getting close cuz the rule then was you can’t date a senior student especially if he had a girl in his class year. Funny how a particular girl was chopping beating mercilessly all cuz I was reading with her at night. (Was assigned to her class). My class year girls gave her a beat down everyday cuz we read together. Maybe that spurred her to take interest in me or she really did. Story for another day doh. But I really don’t see anything wrong in dating someone older. I find them more mature & not ready to mess around like younger ladies would (no disrespect meant). Just that, I feel they must have had it all. The clubbing, dating of different men etc. So I expect them at that time to be ready for a sincere & honest relationship and yes, handle the romance in a more mature way.
    1+
  29. DB

    Thanks for that post Cavey.

    This post came right in time as I have developed strong feelings for a matured guy 2 years younger than I am.

    To answer your parting question, I would not end that relationship.

    0
      1. K
        I have read some of your comments! seems like you have an interesting mind!

        Do you want to be friends?

        ….and No, I am not p-setting..LOL

        0
        1. Cavey
          And here I was thinking it was my lucky day and someone found me ‘set p-able’. ????
          But yes, we can be friends, dear . Email or text me on Twitter?
          0
          1. K

            Hehehe…your p-setting days are ahead of you!

            I actually dont tweet.is there anyway to send private msges on here?

            0
  30. Anonymous
    All my female friends bar one all older than I am. I am in my mid 20’s and they range from 28 to 37. We know they are older and I have never had to hide my age from them.
    On more than one occasion; two of my females friends told me that they wish I was older. They would have married me. I felt pity for them. They have decided to let society dictate to them what they want instead of listening to their hearts.
    I have never dated a girl my age mate…so the possibility of dating a younger girl is very slim. For some reason; I don’t connect with ladies who aren’t older than I am.
    My colleagues tease me that they hope I don’t marry an older lady or a baby mama.
    I think relationship matters these days are so complex….there is no one answer fits all…
    3+
    1. Cavey
      You must be quite the catch, ????
      It’s really sad though that, as you said, those women let society dictate what they can have and not their hearts. Although, I have to ask. In all honesty, do you really see yourself (I take a wild guess and say you’re 26) getting married to a 37 year old? I mean, do you have the fortitude (a different kind of maturity) to handle that? (Not a question you need to answer to me but yourself)
      0
  31. kathybabe
    I have two older brothers who married women six months and three years older than them. The marriages are 29 and 24 years old respectively. Age is just a number.
    2+
  32. Roy.

    I think the issue of age in a relationship is essentially a psychological restraint enforced by thoughts of getting accepted by society.
    If you’re in a relationship with someone and you can see yourself getting married to such person; and then for some reason, you find out he is younger than you are. You really should ask yourself if knowing his age makes him any less the man he was before you found out he was younger. If you think so then maybe (just maybe) you’re the one who isn’t mature enough to be in that relationship.
    1+
  33. Chin chun
    When I was 24, I dated a 36 year old divorcee with 3 kids. They all loved me and called me Uncle W. We were already deep in the relationship when she learnt of my age. She couldn’t bother less, she said she didn’t believe and will never believe. She mentioned that not only did I show more maturity, I loved her more than all the men in her dating and married life. We broke up cos her mom kicked against it. She cried as if I died. I was ready to marry her anyway. That was 4 years ago. Her children still call me to date and I still hang out with her wherever she calls on me.
    This has being my norm in life. She was the 4th woman I’d date since I was 17 and the youngest was 6 years older than I am. I’m presently with a lady 2 years younger than I am and all is fine.
    Age has always had nothing to do with my relationships. Most older women seemed more mature when I was younger.
    Age doesn’t even come up in my head ever… Only when other people mention it. I however have to admit that I look down on young girls (read immature) and their pettiness. I’m working in that.
    1+
    1. Cavey
      ????????????????????????????????????????
      I’d ask you to teach me your ways but I’m sure it’s not something you can impart ????
      Honestly, it’s less of an issue for guys, dating an older woman. Hell Zlatan’s bae has 11 years on him and she adores him! But respect to all the women you’ve been with sir, especially Missus with the kids. She gave life/society one huge middle finger!
      0
    2. Mr. Antoine
      Haaaa Chinchun,

      You said it all. It never comes to mind and I look down on younger ladies.

      Can’t seem to understand their pettiness.

      0
  34. Nkem Ndem
    the moment I read the intro of this article, I burst out laughing cos something very similar happened to me. In my case, we were friends transitioning into lovers(for lack of a better word). In my head, he was 2 years older. Actually, my brain had the recorded a conversation we had God knows when, where he had told me his birth year and it was 2 years before mine. The day i found out he was younger, I was in the middle of folding our clothes when his wallet fell from the back pocket of his jeans and its content spilled to the floor. I had not wanted to look at his driver’s but curiosity got the better of me and my eyes went straight to his birth date. I tell you,I cant even start to describe the feeling that engulfed my body when i saw he was 16 months younger…like, i literally felt a chill run down my spine and i stood there with the OD in my hand for close to 10 minutes, just staring at it. Worst part was i couldnt tell him i had found, cos i was deeply heart broken that he kept the information from him, seeing as he knew how old i was. Also,I dint want to have that talk at all. When he got back, he kept asking “Nkem, are you okay, is anything the matter?”, but i just kept saying ” im fine”. Dating a younger guy is actually not a big deal if you are aware of the situation before you get into a relationship with the person. Recently, i have found that i actually find older guys annoying and slightly boring..so….
    0
    1. Cavey
      So what happened? Are you still with him? Biko, I like this gist!
      *chuckle*
      why would you think him not mentioning his age to you was him “keeping the information”? More importantly tho, why does him mentioning it before/after matter at all?
      0
  35. Nkem Ndem
    Lol sadly we are no longer together. The events that led to our separation is too long, I kent tellirall at the moment. I was so hurt i wrote about it here http://www.houseofbombini.com/boomerang-principle/ though. Him not mentioning his age was him keeping the information because I had told him how old I was, and while he had so many chances to tell me how old he was, he chose not to. In fact, he lied. Lying is not just giving a response that is not the truth, it is also choosing to keep silent when you know the information you have may make a difference. I did not get the chance to know what impact him mentioning before or after would have made because he did not mention it at all. I FOUND OUT! Until i asked him, he never mentioned it. Even after i asked him, he was unrepentant. Communication is a dealbreaker for me, so I’m a bit paranoid about it i guess.
    1+

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