The Break-up

Opinion

“Sometimes I get lonely, some days you don’t know me; And to try explain why I’ll be gone by morning, is like expecting spring to understand the autumn…”  – Emeli Sande, ‘Lonely’ Resting my head on your chest I’m trying to figure out how hearing your heartbeat can be so loud tonight when this used to…

Share

Share
Text size
+

“Sometimes I get lonely, some days you don’t know me; And to try explain why I’ll be gone by morning, is like expecting spring to understand the autumn…” 

– Emeli Sande, ‘Lonely’

Resting my head on your chest I’m trying to figure out how hearing your heartbeat can be so loud tonight when this used to be the only way I could fall asleep. I take a long deep breath in and breathe out slowly, hoping that that will somehow quiet the voice in my head that keeps telling me to tell you that I don’t love you anymore. I keep imagining that conversation. I keep picturing your hurting face. I keep hearing your broken voice. Why? You ask. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I just don’t miss you anymore. I no longer think about you. I’m no longer attracted to you. I barely want to have sex with you and when we have it I have to imagine it’s someone else. And It’s not that you suddenly became ugly, it’s just that I’ve lost interest. Your jokes no longer make me laugh. Your scent isn’t my favourite anymore. Your heartbeat is no longer my lullaby. When you smile I don’t know why. All I know is that I don’t love you anymore.

I feel guilty and I hate you for making me feel guilty.I hate myself for hating you because you haven’t done anything wrong.

I try to think of the best way to break it to you but I don’t even know the reason myself. All I know is that I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want you anymore.

Should I lie to you and tell you there’s someone else for me? Should I lie to you and tell you there’s no one else for me?

You ask what you’ve done? Nothing. Really.
You said what you wanted and I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I needed. You’re not the person I can spend my life with.

I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t keep lying to you…to myself. What we had is over. I have no real reason. It just is. I’m sorry. I hate that I’m sorry but it’s really not your fault. I don’t want to think it’s mine either…maybe it is. I don’t know. All I know is that we’re done.

I turn over and pray you don’t follow and hold me. But that’s exactly what you do. My body goes rigid for a moment. I try to relax, to act natural. In the end I get up and go to the toilet just to get away from you holding me.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I guess time went by without me noticing as I hear your voice asking me if I’m alright. It startles me out of my day dreaming. ‘Yes…’ I manage to say. It’s the only response I can manage. I flush the toilet I haven’t used and wash my hands. I take a deep breath in and exhale before I open the door. ‘ I told you not to eat too much’ you say. I smile because I’ll miss you being open to me about using your bathroom for number two even though I could never be that comfortable. I can’t help but look at you, wishing, hoping that the feelings I once had for you would come back to me. But they don’t. Again, I get lost in thought until I hear you ask ‘You just gon’ stand there?’.
I get into bed and turn away from you. You put your arms around me and nuzzle your face into the back of my neck. I want to scream at you to get away from me. I grit my teeth to stop myself. It doesn’t take you long to start snoring. After some time, I wiggle hoping that will make you move your arm. It works. I release a sigh of relief. I feel like crying, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for us. I want to wake you up to tell you that it’s over. I want to be far away from you. I have a sleepless night.

Morning comes.

‘Good morning babe’

‘We need to break up!’

‘What…?’

‘I don’t love you anymore.’

With that I get out of bed and start packing my things. You seem to be talking to me but I don’t hear you. I’m in a taxi before I realize what I’ve done.
And I cry.
I cry because I don’t love you anymore and because I’ll never speak to you again. Ever.
I’m sorry.

Responses

  1. Johnson ifeoluwa
    Somehow i don’t understand, you just don’t lose feelings without reason. I believe there’s cause and effect, we don’t just become strangers without reason.
    Then, i relate cos relationship like life isn’t fair nor ideal.
    P.S. I really hate losing out on something i love through no fault of mine.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    0
    1. Santie Post author
      I think it’s natural for people to change. Feelings change. And sometimes it takes work to even love someone and if you don’t want it to work, you walk away.
      0
  2. GUCCI-BERRY
    I feel you, I always fear that someone would do dis to me so I try not to ever fall in love. And all I feel is the hangover of whatever the heartbroken party feels. this is one of my greatest fears ” he left “
    0
  3. Abby
    I feel sad for both of you.
    I’ve felt that way before and I left for no reason at all. I guess we outgrow our love for some people sometimes.
    0
    1. Santie Post author
      I don’t know how to react to you feeling sorry for ‘us’…It’s actually not a personal experience…But thank you for reading and commenting.
      0
  4. Yetty
    This is all too familiar…almost like he wrote it…
    Same exact words my then Ex used..the hurt was actually from the fact that there was no reason…you keep asking why..what did you do…can you both work on it…
    But guess what it has nothing to do with you
    It is he’s problem…some men get to the point when they want to be unentangled…and assume they can get better out there …why should they be cramped down by one babe…
    Guess what…a year down and he runs back down begging and trying to make up for lost time…after realising what he thinks he is looking for is what he left behind..
    He is now my husband…and there never is a day of memories we don’t talk about that chapter in our lives ..and he thanks his heavens that we got back together after I finallyyyyyyy forgave him.
    But guess what it did for me..I got empowered …I enjoyed my own self for me… I dated around…I realised that the breakup was not the end of the world like I earlier thought it would be ..
    If you ask me…it’s the best thing to happen to us….a sorta blessing in disguise….
    Lovely write up…totally apt!
    5+
  5. Santie Post author
    Oh wow. He had a ‘Don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone moment.’ It’s amazing that things worked out for you guys though, and you got to discover just how strong you are as a person. Thank you for reading.
    0
  6. Bukola
    My ex did this….no reason…he just doesn’t want to continue. That was my first heartbreak. I was so broken I thought I was never gonna love again. Few years down..he contacted me and I was already married with a son. Somehow I find myself imagining how life could be if I was married to him instead.. We hardly talk now..he says I’m a constant reminder of his regret. The worst break up is the one without reason. As in!!! Just attach it to something… Don’t just get up and leave!! It haunts.
    0
    1. Santie Post author
      But you’re happy now? It’s difficult but it’s best never to be hung up on what ifs. It wasn’t your fault. Remember that. The saying that everything happens for a reason is something I hate. Sometimes things happen. Without reason. It just does. Because ‘c’est la vie’. It sucks, it really does but I’ve cone to accept that life isn’t fair. Try to Always look to the silver lining of situations. I wish you happiness…(I’m a bit tipsy but this makes sense I hope)
      0

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

+