“Sometimes I get lonely, some days you don’t know me; And to try explain why I’ll be gone by morning, is like expecting spring to understand the autumn…” – Emeli Sande, ‘Lonely’ Resting my head on your chest I’m trying to figure out how hearing your heartbeat can be so loud tonight when this used to…
“Sometimes I get lonely, some days you don’t know me; And to try explain why I’ll be gone by morning, is like expecting spring to understand the autumn…”
– Emeli Sande, ‘Lonely’
Resting my head on your chest I’m trying to figure out how hearing your heartbeat can be so loud tonight when this used to be the only way I could fall asleep. I take a long deep breath in and breathe out slowly, hoping that that will somehow quiet the voice in my head that keeps telling me to tell you that I don’t love you anymore. I keep imagining that conversation. I keep picturing your hurting face. I keep hearing your broken voice. Why? You ask. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I just don’t miss you anymore. I no longer think about you. I’m no longer attracted to you. I barely want to have sex with you and when we have it I have to imagine it’s someone else. And It’s not that you suddenly became ugly, it’s just that I’ve lost interest. Your jokes no longer make me laugh. Your scent isn’t my favourite anymore. Your heartbeat is no longer my lullaby. When you smile I don’t know why. All I know is that I don’t love you anymore.
I feel guilty and I hate you for making me feel guilty.I hate myself for hating you because you haven’t done anything wrong.
I try to think of the best way to break it to you but I don’t even know the reason myself. All I know is that I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want you anymore.
Should I lie to you and tell you there’s someone else for me? Should I lie to you and tell you there’s no one else for me?
You ask what you’ve done? Nothing. Really.
You said what you wanted and I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I needed. You’re not the person I can spend my life with.
I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t keep lying to you…to myself. What we had is over. I have no real reason. It just is. I’m sorry. I hate that I’m sorry but it’s really not your fault. I don’t want to think it’s mine either…maybe it is. I don’t know. All I know is that we’re done.
I turn over and pray you don’t follow and hold me. But that’s exactly what you do. My body goes rigid for a moment. I try to relax, to act natural. In the end I get up and go to the toilet just to get away from you holding me.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I guess time went by without me noticing as I hear your voice asking me if I’m alright. It startles me out of my day dreaming. ‘Yes…’ I manage to say. It’s the only response I can manage. I flush the toilet I haven’t used and wash my hands. I take a deep breath in and exhale before I open the door. ‘ I told you not to eat too much’ you say. I smile because I’ll miss you being open to me about using your bathroom for number two even though I could never be that comfortable. I can’t help but look at you, wishing, hoping that the feelings I once had for you would come back to me. But they don’t. Again, I get lost in thought until I hear you ask ‘You just gon’ stand there?’.
I get into bed and turn away from you. You put your arms around me and nuzzle your face into the back of my neck. I want to scream at you to get away from me. I grit my teeth to stop myself. It doesn’t take you long to start snoring. After some time, I wiggle hoping that will make you move your arm. It works. I release a sigh of relief. I feel like crying, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for us. I want to wake you up to tell you that it’s over. I want to be far away from you. I have a sleepless night.
‘Good morning babe’
‘We need to break up!’
‘I don’t love you anymore.’
With that I get out of bed and start packing my things. You seem to be talking to me but I don’t hear you. I’m in a taxi before I realize what I’ve done.
And I cry.
I cry because I don’t love you anymore and because I’ll never speak to you again. Ever.