Ladies, Let’s Talk About The Dreaded O

So I wake up one fine day, rolling over in slow motion and groaning “Fuuuck. My tits.” I sigh deeply, tired of the mayhem that is to come. I’m premenstrual, and everything will go to shit for about a week and a half or two, when my actual period will begin, and things will go to shit in a completely different way (another day, another post).

For now though, let me explain what my body is doing to me, and itself.

First of all, my breasts are huge. None of my regular bras can quite capture them in their entirety anymore, and the discerning observer can notice this struggle going on underneath my top. There’s that annoying side boob spillage plus the bra lines are clearly marked now no matter what I’m wearing.

As if that’s not traumatic enough, they HURT. I catch myself rubbing them at work, or going to lonely spots in the office just to massage some of the hurt out of the darned things. I mean, they look great, but they are terribly sore and swollen and heavy, so what’s the point? My nipples are sore to boot, which means that going braless will result in them chafing against my top. So, uncomfortable bra it is.

Should we talk about the horniness? By Jove, every man begins to look like a tree I could climb. Apparently, my eggs are about as eager to form babies as my mother’s expectations. It’s during this time that I cast my mind to all the dick I turned down in the past, you know? I daydream, with legs scissored tightly together, of all the men I kicked out of my house or avoided like the plague simply because they wanted to tap this. It is not unusual for me to go to sleep and have wet dreams.

Physically, my vagina becomes extra “juicy” in an uncomfortable way so much so that I have to regularly go to the bathroom to wipe myself.If I don’t, I’m convinced people can hear the squishing noise it’s making when I walk.

From time to time I feel an odd pain slicing through my nether regions and have to work hard to control my facial expressions and instinctive squeaks if I’m in public. The first year I noticed this pain, I Googled “ovulation pains” and nearly threw my phone against the wall when I read how a doctor (male, of course) described it as “occasional mild discomfort”. Sometimes I just want men to wake up with lady parts, maybe then they’ll have sense.

Then my hormones calm down a bit and I’m less horny, less juicy, and less swollen in the bust. They are still all over the place though, such that I am craving hugs and physical intimacy in the morning, angry and irritable by noon, depressed and longing for my privacy towards the evening time. At this point I begin to long for the day when my actual period starts, which increases the chances of it NOT starting, and starts my pregnancy panic (even though nothing male has touched me in months, but that’s another story). I once missed my period for about three months, and my doctor and I concluded that it was because I was thinking about it too much. So I’ve mastered the art of worrying about my period without actually thinking about it, so as not to scare it away…

So yeah, being a woman is really quite fun and enjoyable. I recommend the experience to anyone looking to unwind. Where are my ladies, does any one else have stories to share?

  • Alami

    Oh my goodness!
    You got it spot on! My breasts feel so painful and heavy that coming down a flight of stairs hurts. And then the horrible mood wings, irritation, anger, everything. And I have the worst cravings. I find myself drinking 3 litres of soda in one sitting. Once my period comes, I become a new human being, less irritable, happy and I even sleep better but it comes with diarrhea and cramps. Sometimes I find myself wanting to return this ‘gift of womanhood’, but I choose to be grateful for what has been handed to me.
    I think some men should experience a little PMS and some cramps once in a while, then maybe they would understand that we cannot control the way we feel sometimes. I heave gotten questions like : ‘Are cramps really that painful?’ And statement like ‘you just like to over do’.
    In fact, I am tired.

    Thanks for this.

    October 17, 2017

    “Physically, my vagina becomes extra “juicy” in an uncomfortable way so much so that I have to regularly go to the bathroom to wipe myself.If I don’t, I’m convinced people can hear the squishing noise it’s making when I walk.” – Wow, Damn

    October 17, 2017
  • Olamicit

    Mine isn’t that bad, the one that deals with me is the actual period and since u said it’s story for another day, I’ll drop the comment when you write the story
    Apparently, my eggs are about as eager to form babies as my mother’s expectations-I love this

    October 17, 2017
  • Anie

    My breasts usually feel extra full and perky a week before my period starts and i usually do not notice the mood swings and ‘different orishirishi’ till a day before. The period pain itself is usually a little too much although, it recently got better. I swear when people downplay this part of being a woman because apparently it isn’t cool to talk about it, i get mad.
    Haha! the part about the eggs being eager to form babies got me.

    October 18, 2017
      • Uche

        Lol. Did you read that post maternity thread on Twitter. ????????????????

        October 20, 2017
      • Damilola


        October 20, 2017
  • mr smith

    hmmm…well that time before the actual period is great my chick is so horny sometimes it scares me, but who am I to complain “winks”. I hate when she’s on her period tho… the small girl literally turns me to her “house boy” she craves everything even sugary stuff she says makes it worse but Watin man go do? even tho I hate to see her in pain.

    I get compensated sha for all my trouble after the period a.k.a safe period. we just go wild and crazy without any sense of caution, I get to feel her body, soul and spirit and in the end there is a blend of too much of her juice and too much of my sauce.

    I’m a boobs man, nothing gets me like a good pair of big breasts…!!! and the fact that the O make big boobs even bigger makes it my favorite time of the month. “Wink + smile”

    October 18, 2017
  • Uche

    Lol maybe I’m too busy to understand what’s going on with my own body. I’m reminded of my period like 2-3 days before they actually come. Especially now that I’m not having sex so I’m not even looking at calendar. Sometimes, it is the day the period comes that I am reminded about the period. ???????????? Except when I’m planning a trip and I want to be sure I can have ice cream and all sorts without fear. Lol. Cramps vary in intensity and I never know why. Sometimes it’s just mild other times it’s like I should donate my belly to charity.

    October 20, 2017
  • Ibiela

    I dunno if I should feel unlucky or blessed for not having any of these problems. I’ve probably only had period pains once in my life and it wasn’t that bad.

    October 21, 2017
  • kaira

    Hahaha… So realatable. I enjoyed every bit of this. Fingers crossed for the period post.

    October 21, 2017
  • Jo!

    I cannot relate AT ALL

    October 22, 2017
  • Sasha

    You forgot to mention insane carb cravings. If you are team fit fam you become so bloated and discouraged. Sigh. i always thought i was the only female who suffered this as everyone else seems so well put together!!

    October 24, 2017
  • BABE

    Me right now! cant wait for COB to run out of here.

    October 25, 2017
  • Gerald

    Can sucking the boobs help out? I’m highly trained in that aspect. Also, I love to peek at period boobs. Just because I’m a boobs man and I can’t help it.

    December 3, 2017
  • Tip

    Tempted to assume Mother Nature is patriarchal because I’ll never understand the reason a woman’s body should go through all these stuff monthly.

    You guys are amazing beings.

    February 15, 2018
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