So I wake up one fine day, rolling over in slow motion and groaning “Fuuuck. My tits.” I sigh deeply, tired of the mayhem that is to come. I’m premenstrual, and everything will go to shit for about a week and a half or two, when my actual period will begin, and things will go to shit in a completely different way (another day, another post).
For now though, let me explain what my body is doing to me, and itself.
First of all, my breasts are huge. None of my regular bras can quite capture them in their entirety anymore, and the discerning observer can notice this struggle going on underneath my top. There’s that annoying side boob spillage plus the bra lines are clearly marked now no matter what I’m wearing.
As if that’s not traumatic enough, they HURT. I catch myself rubbing them at work, or going to lonely spots in the office just to massage some of the hurt out of the darned things. I mean, they look great, but they are terribly sore and swollen and heavy, so what’s the point? My nipples are sore to boot, which means that going braless will result in them chafing against my top. So, uncomfortable bra it is.
Should we talk about the horniness? By Jove, every man begins to look like a tree I could climb. Apparently, my eggs are about as eager to form babies as my mother’s expectations. It’s during this time that I cast my mind to all the dick I turned down in the past, you know? I daydream, with legs scissored tightly together, of all the men I kicked out of my house or avoided like the plague simply because they wanted to tap this. It is not unusual for me to go to sleep and have wet dreams.
Physically, my vagina becomes extra “juicy” in an uncomfortable way so much so that I have to regularly go to the bathroom to wipe myself.If I don’t, I’m convinced people can hear the squishing noise it’s making when I walk.
From time to time I feel an odd pain slicing through my nether regions and have to work hard to control my facial expressions and instinctive squeaks if I’m in public. The first year I noticed this pain, I Googled “ovulation pains” and nearly threw my phone against the wall when I read how a doctor (male, of course) described it as “occasional mild discomfort”. Sometimes I just want men to wake up with lady parts, maybe then they’ll have sense.
Then my hormones calm down a bit and I’m less horny, less juicy, and less swollen in the bust. They are still all over the place though, such that I am craving hugs and physical intimacy in the morning, angry and irritable by noon, depressed and longing for my privacy towards the evening time. At this point I begin to long for the day when my actual period starts, which increases the chances of it NOT starting, and starts my pregnancy panic (even though nothing male has touched me in months, but that’s another story). I once missed my period for about three months, and my doctor and I concluded that it was because I was thinking about it too much. So I’ve mastered the art of worrying about my period without actually thinking about it, so as not to scare it away…
So yeah, being a woman is really quite fun and enjoyable. I recommend the experience to anyone looking to unwind. Where are my ladies, does any one else have stories to share?