The TNC Official InstaGlossary: A Learner’s Guide to The Gram

Many of us are avid social media users. Some might even call us addicts. Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Those filters won’t use themselves. Your selfies must be put to good use. What is a hashtag without posts to promote it? However, enthusiasm doesn’t always translate into understanding. Many of us may remain…

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Many of us are avid social media users. Some might even call us addicts. Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Those filters won’t use themselves. Your selfies must be put to good use. What is a hashtag without posts to promote it?

However, enthusiasm doesn’t always translate into understanding. Many of us may remain bewildered and almost overwhelmed by all the noise on social media. How do you know who to follow and what to post?

As always, TNC is here for you. In particular, we are here to help the learners in our beloved community navigate the mean streets of Instagram. We’ve put together a list of the different people you’ll find on InstaGram to help you figure out who to stalk follow or what path you want to take to becoming InstaFamous yourself.

The InstaGroupie

These are the smooth criminals. They view, but never like. They watch, but never comment. They scroll in the shadows. InstaGroupies are usually harmless. They are often fans of the other classes which will be discussed below, but are too self-conscious to like a stream of 45 pictures starting with a plate of calamari posted in May 2015.

However, some are slightly more malicious. When these poisonous few come out of hiding, the really hardened criminals among them can be found commenting through newly created followerless accounts. Operators of these phantom accounts are known as InstaGhosts. Please note that InstaGhosts are always InstaGroupies, but not all InstaGroupies are InstaGhosts.

Summary

Also known as: InstaGhost (in worst case scenarios)

Go to for: Nothing. They come to you.

The InstaGuru

This is a broad category consisting of “experts” in various fields. They include people who provide instructions or tutorials – whether based on credentials or confidence. Simply put, many are called, but few are qualified. They tend to be creative minds, so InstaGurus often thrive in areas such as beauty, cooking and art.  Make-up and style bloggers are clear examples of InstaGurus.

In order of popularity, InstaGurus usually command large followings on The Gram, second only to InstaModels. However, there is considerable overlap between InstaGurus and other categories, as will be explained below.

Summary

Also known as: InStylist, InstaChef etc.

Go to for: Knowledge. Want to learn how to confuse bae with a bomb Jollof or fleek that eyeliner? Follow an InstaGuru.

The InstaModel

This is undoubtedly the most popular category. A large number of InstaProfessionals fall into this group, and it also has the largest number of aspirants. The rules are simple. Never be outfleeked and ALWAYS take photographic evidence of your slay. How else will the world know that no one else can kill that Ruby Woo like you do? No one on the corner has eyebrows like yours. InstaModels is in the building: swagger on a hundred thousand trillion.

The sheer force of an InstaModel’s slay often inspires cries for help from InstaGroupies forced out of hibernation by the awesome power of a well-selected filter. This is how InstaModels morph into InstaGurus, particularly in the beauty space. Please note that InstaModels can also be male. Any prolific provider of thirst traps is an InstaModel – this is not limited to those who have ovaries. InstaModels also sometimes try to moonlight as InstaSages, which will be explained below.

Summary

Also known as: InstaGlam (adjective), InstaThot (derogatory)

Go to for: Eye candy. End of story.

The InstaSage

The InstaSage is an interesting one. The key criteria for joining this group is to frequently post inspirational quotes or scriptures. However, what sets the true InstaSages apart from the wannabes is the extent to which accompanying pictures correlate with the message delivered. For instance, a committed InstaSage may post a picture of a memorable quote, and explain a few powerful prayer points in the caption which follows. In contrast, a quack InstaSage is more likely to drop a short quote beneath a thirst trap. Think bikini + cleavage + bent over pose + “John 3:16” or abs + ass cheek + muscle flexing + “Man like David. Man after God’s own heart”. Yep, you guessed it. When it comes to caption camouflage, InstaModels are repeat offenders.

It is also interesting to note that the introduction of video to InstaGram has also revolutionised the InstaSage category. Many now drop sermon snippets on The Gram, particularly about relationship issues. As a result, this is one group with plenty of room for growth due to its relatively small membership compared to saturated classes like the InstaModels.

Summary

Also known as: InstaPreacher

Go to for: Inspiration and/or advice. If you want to rededicate your life to Christ, detox from fuckboys, bind and cast Jezebels or simply start your day with a feel-good message, follow an InstaSage.

The InstaPreneur

Last but not least, is the InstaPreneur. This marks the pinnacle of an InstaProfessional’s evolution. Anyone who can monetise their InstaPresence is an InstaPreneur. InstaModels can become InstaGurus who start getting business opportunities as a result of popularity and/or expertise. However, not all InstaPreneurs attained this status through a life cycle entirely completed on social media. For many, InstaGram is a promotional offshoot of an existing business. Either way, the InstaPreneur is top of the food chain.

Also known as: *insert name of respective business venture here*

Go to for: *insert name of respective product here*

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So, there you have it guys – that’s our list! Are any InstaPersonalities missing? Which one best describes you? Let us know in the comments section.

Image via Macworld

Responses

  1. Emma Marie
    InstaFlood
    They put up ten pictures of the same event, same outing, same cloth, food they cooked (no anaesthetic),…wharraheck! It turns me to an Instagroupie sometimes.
    Go to for: I haff no idea.

    Maybe the people I follow aren’t as fleek as yours 😕

    Your posts 😉You aren’t one of the normal ones.

    1. Funmi
      Yaaassss to InstaFlood… Very astute observation. You might want to consider documenting your findings…

      Not sure how to feel about this “not being normal” accusation though… Ah mean, kent a geh obsav in peace?

  2. J
    Lmao. This was entertaining to read. I think I’d probably qualify as an instaghost. I just come on IG for the Crazeclown kind of videos. I incidentally happen to follow a few people, wish there was a mute button in IG.

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