I am writing to tell you that I have learnt my lesson. Really, I have. I am sorry. I am even sorrier that I didn’t learn earlier. It’s all the fault of Mr. Hindsight. Yes, Hindsight, that annoying Mr. Right. He’s a traitorous bastard. I have now discovered a lot of lessons he should have taught me that he didn’t, until it had become too late.
Sir, Hindsight is not a Christian. If he was, he’d have known that one does not ask questions during indoctrination. One only takes what one is told, hook, line and sinker. I should not have asked you all those searching questions during my training and induction. What did I need the information for? Did I want to do the job better than you? Foolish Hindsight. He should have stopped me then. Just look at foolish, naïve me. Asking Smart questions you had no answers to, was your son not seated there? Did he ask any? I was a foolish boy sir. Was I supposed to be smarter than your son? I have learnt that lesson now. Hindsight just told me. The fool.
Who gave me the right to win Rookie of the year award? That coveted accolade that only went to the superstars who clocked outstanding figures and performed in exemplary fashion, an award you never dreamt of winning, even after spending over five years at entry level. I now went to win it. My foolishness is probably from the village, sir. I’m sure Hindsight was collaborating with the old women in my village. That’s the only explanation, otherwise I would not have worked hard enough to do so well and show you up. Hindsight should have told me that the corporate world in Nigeria is like those Chinese martial arts movies I watched as a kid. You can never be better than your master. I have also learnt this one now sir.
Sir, Hindsight will not go to heaven. Where was he when I was preparing that well publicized brief that was so good, it redefined our way of working, when you were on vacation? Why did he not advise me against preparing and executing such a flawless sales strategy? He should have advised me against doing so well, I would impress the visitors from the global office during that employee fair. I should have known that I was stressing you by forcing you to smile and extol my virtues to top management when in actual fact you were not happy about it. Imagine making you smile reluctantly. Was I planning to induce constipation and add to your already well documented list of ailments that made you leave the office almost everyday around lunch, and hand over responsibilities to me? Don’t mind me sir. I have learnt from that foolishness. But only God will judge Hindsight.
Oga, see, about that beautiful corper in the office last year, that was attracted to me, sorry. Na Hindsight fuck up. The foolish man. Why didn’t he tell her to ignore your marital status, children and humongous beer gut? Why did she go and like me sef? And so what if I was a clean, handsome, smart young man with excellent potential? Because I was unmarried? And so? Who eligible bachelor epp? Hindsight should have told her that it takes work staying married, being a father, and having to remember all those mundane vows and responsibilities, hence you deserve the refreshing affections of beautiful young females whether in the workplace or no. Oga sorry. I should have curved her. What does a young man need love and happiness for? Hindsight should have told me its only a prerogative of older men who have seen a lot of unpleasant things in life, like school fees and sleeping next to the warmth of a wife almost everyday of their lives. It’s his fault, along with his friend, Youthful, whose surname is exuberance.
Sir, I know Hindsight is not my friend. If he is, why did he not warn me not to issue a query to Omolola, that new female staff with the big Ikebe? If she came late to work five times in a row nko? Who cares if she did not complete any of the tasks I delegated to her even after doing half of them for her? Why did my so called friend, Hindsight not tell me that a lady like her needs extra hours every morning to do her squats so her Ikebe would remain attractive to you? I can be very foolish ehn, I shouldn’t have asked her why she came in from lunch 30 mins late. Didn’t I know that lunch with you is like having a presidential lunch? Sorry sir. Remember what I said about my village people. It’s Hindsight and those old women at work.
Hindsight came to my house today sir. He told me that I shouldn’t have performed very well when I was sent to relieve that Regional Manager in Uyo. I now foolishly went to break sales records upandan, surpassing even your own. He should have told me you wouldn’t like it even though it was not your region. Me sef, I can overdo. Must I be great? But you see why I am not happy with Hindsight? Its his fault. He did not accompany me to Uyo.
I quarreled with him today sir when he told me I was not a good employee. He said If I was, I would have carried your bag everyday, made your coffee even though you had a secretary, I should have given you credit for all the innovations I brought in. I could have kissed your ass in different ways, while acting like it tasted like Skyy’s Passion Fruit flavoured Vodka. I agree that I should have done all these. After all, that’s what you told Julie, that new Corper you took out to lunch yesterday. But you see why I blame Hindsight? If he had told me all of these, I would have been a model employee, instead of an asset to the business. Who needs assets these days sef? At least If I had been good, you would not have put my name up for retrenchment when the company asked for redundant staff to downsize. Imagine the stress I gave you, making you lose your most talented subordinate. Who will now do that mountain of work you assist my life with by dumping for me to do? I have learnt sir. I will do better where next I work.
P.S I have told Hindsight not to come to my house again, except with his twin cousins, Forewarned and Forearmed.
Yours Forever and Ever,
Now humble ex-Employee