Dear Efe,

I was heart broken by my first love and I thought I would ever recover from all the hurt and anguish he put me through. Most importantly, could I ever trust another man with my heart, body, mind and soul?

Even I felt as though I had to tiptoe around my own emotions, I was left to put myself back together before I could move forward with my life. After the pain, came anger and then I realized that the first steps to moving on would be to forgive him.

I am writing this letter to him, kindly publish it.

Wale, you met me at such a vulnerable and fragile stage of my life, and you took full advantage of that. I wasn’t even 21 when you came into my life. First as a friend and then, as my lover. I thought I had found the love of my life.

You were everything I had always dreamed of and everything I thought I wanted. You were 9 years older than me, smart, handsome, funny, witty and you knew how to make me laugh and weak in the knees.

Your bravado and confidence screamed “I am older and wiser, trust me, I know what I am doing.” So I trusted you, little did I know you would try to mold me into everything you needed me to be.

How naive I was to believe that someone like you could actually love me, wholeheartedly. It’s my own fault. At 27, I am older and wiser; I take responsibility for what I failed to notice.

I guess you could say I did notice, just didn’t care to pay attention to all the red flags. You always wanted me to be something more, something your parents would approve of. Someone who resembled more of what your stature represented, almost like a social class.

I guess I should have listened the times you told me to not do my hair a certain way because you didn’t like it.

How about the times you always gave me hell for dressing up nice, always assuming I was trying to impress someone else? Did it ever occur to you I was trying to look nice for you?

With all the insecurities you carried around, I am amazed how I survived 6 years with you. The simple things I enjoyed, you hated. I always wondered why I stayed with someone who so clearly didn’t like anything about me.

Then it clicked: I was convenient. I was an easy back up. Just tell her what she wants to hear, give her a little bit of hope, give her a little bit of space to do what she likes and pull her back in when you need her.

Fuck you Wale for making me feel so inadequate. I always made an excuse for your behavior. That is nobody’s fault but my own, but it is time you take responsibility for YOUR actions.

After all, if you had been the good boyfriend you claimed to be, I wouldn’t have had to make an excuses when my family started noticing the cracks in our relationship.

Of course, you were always so talented at turning everything around and making me the bad person. “I told you I didn’t want to be in a relationship … it’s not my fault if you get hurt. We aren’t together.” Oh we aren’t? I’m sorry, I must have you confused with the guy who has sex with me over every 4 times a week on the average.

I would go over to your house, cook, clean, take care of the house and do your laundry. I would fall asleep waiting for you on a Friday night while you were out with the boys. I’d catch you flirting on Social media, your unexplainable absence on Valentines Day, etc.

Yet, if I dare talked to make a new friend, you accuse me of wanting to cheat on you. Do you even have any idea what I told these people who tried to date me? That I was still very much in love with my boyfriend and I wanted to remain faithful to him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him until the day he looked me in the eye and told me I was the biggest fool he has ever met. That day, I knew it was over for good.

It hurts to think of all the time I had built the courage to finally say that I was done with feeling heartbroken. That I no longer wanted to be obsess about someone who couldn’t treat me the way I deserved. The you would turn up with a sad face, telling me you have no idea why you continue to hurt the one person who has loved you all these years. You got me … back to square one. He’ll change, things will be different, I know he loves me. He almost cried…he must really love me.

So here we are. I have forgiven you, and have forgiven myself, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get angry for all the times you made me feel so worthless.

While you never directly said it, I always knew it was implied. It’s my fault for sticking around, and it’s my fault for not listening to everything you were saying. My weakness isn’t really a weakness, it’s more of a strength. I love with all my heart, through thick and thin.

I always believed relationships was about being a team and surviving against all odds. I give it all I got, and I was not the one who quit. No matter what you did during our time together, I still loved with you until the end. It’s just a crying shame that you gave up on me. You doubted my abilities and you were ashamed. Yet, I never once said I was ashamed of you and all your shortcomings.

I am now learning to love my solitude, and I learning to love every single part of me. I may be emotionally messed up but damn, am I strong. Anyone who has had to endure 6 years of your bullshit deserves an award.

So thank you, thanks for helping me realize just how badass I am. I’m now building a fabulous life.

By the way, I heard you got married, cheers to that! I wish you nothing but happiness. I can genuinely say that because when you really love someone or in my case (loved) someone, regardless of what they’ve done to you, you do want the best for him.

Toddles,

Joy

*********************

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Are you heart broken? Depressed? Upset? And a place to write and let it off your chest?

Responses

  1. Andronicus
    I remember when I left high school. 16 years old me.
    The girls would tell me I was too young. My mates o.
    In Uni, they’d say they can’t date 100level students.
    Mind you, these were my classmates.
    You’d see them going for final year students.
    There were those who’did not date campus boys’.
    They wanted men. Why do you think some of these men want very young girlfriends? Control! They cannot control their own mates this way so they go for 19 year old, or undergraduates.
    Excuse me if I feel little sympathy for her.
    3+
    1. Fola
      Hmm… different strokes. I’d rather them close or within the same age range.
      6 years? Wow!
      Women have that ‘sixth sense’ we know when things are wrong or will go wrong yet we stay put… happens to the best of us.
      After such an emotional trauma, you need therapy even though you’re a strong woman.
      0
    2. CandidHassey
      We are humans. Some times we make decisions that is not the best for us. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have sympathy when it back fires. Some of these girls just want someone more mature, because usually the guys in 1oo level can be immature. That’s just the truth. So I don’t blame them.
      1+
  2. Olayinka
    He got you fucked up big time. Yoruba demons. I’m sorry it took so long to cut it off. I just hope you’ll be alright. I know you will be alright.
    0
  3. ME
    Dear Wale,
    Heard about u from someone who knows somebody that knows you and I’m like “Eyin boys, egba oju e!”
    So u are cute and smart (or in this case ‘were’ cos u are like d dumbest dude I’ve heard about in ages…only a fool can be so blind not to see what’s right in front of him with eyes so cute), and u feel like u are God’s gift to women, so that makes it cool for u to treat Joy like trash and then go ahead to marry anoda ‘innocenti’ whose life u might soon start making miserable a few weeks from now…Kontinu!
    I really feel pity for you dude, like I’m sitting here downing a 50cl can of ‘Sympathy Energy drink’ on ur behalf, cos u ma dude are one very inadequate young man who only got his feel of adequacy by making Joy feel inadequate and miserable about herself, bt I don’t blame you tho, I blame her. Yes, I blame Joy for loving you with every inch of her life when what u really deserved was to have that love squeezed out of every inch of ur life, for giving 6 years of her life to u when u weren’t even worth 6 hours of it, most of all, I blame her for letting u walk out of her life so fast without breaking ur knees with a plank so u could at least crawl out slowly (lols, kidding)…she was too good for u and u knew it. She could easily do every thing u were never capable of; loving unconditionally, trusting without questions and giving freely of herself…everything that was HER highlighted the inadequacy in everything that was YOU, so u turned d tables against her, made her believe she was the inadequate one cos she was young and naive. Buh I got news for u dude: Joy is now older, stronger, wiser and better, most of all, she’s found out the truth about you, about herself, about the kinda love she deserves and the kinda man worthy of her. If you were a no-match for the young, naive and a-lil-dumb Joy of back in d day, I figured u were quick to realise that this older and wiser Joy woulda ‘outbested’ u in everyway, so u had to RUN, to protect ur rep among ur Friday-night boys. She’s so very badass now and I’m proud. She’s d kinda person u would wish to be like when u finally grow up, someone who can make an impact on anoda’s life without being a manipulative control freak. That’s d 411 ma dude, suck it up.
    Have a nice life (if that’s still a nice thing to say in our world today), and I hope I don’t get to see a season 2 of ur story around here from ur put-a-ring-on-it-and-control-d-hell-outa-her project anytime soon.
    Cheers,
    Nosy nebo.
    10+
  4. CandidHassey
    Ladies, pls. Read this story and learn. If you know the guy is not worth it, don’t waste your time trying to fix it. If you are starting to feel like breaking up with him will lead you back to sqaure one and you can’t just imagine having to waste all the years and hardwork you have put in the relationship, that’s when it’s time to leave. Because you do not want to invest more time in that relationship and then be heart broken eventually. It’s very difficult, but sometimes the right thing is hard. Very hard. Don’t spend one more minute in a relationship that’s not worth it. Leave, take the time to move on and give space for someone worthwhile to walk in. Cos eventually, you will be heart broken. By staying in a relationship and hoping for a miracle, you are just wasting time and delaying the inevitable heart break. Be strong. Love with eyes wide open. May God help us all.
    2+
  5. Laye
    I don’t think the age distance between them mean anything,I’m almost 18 and my boo is like 25. we have been dating for like almost a year. I think the thing she failed to do was to watch out for the signs,she was although young and blinded by love,she also changed for him. I think if a guy really love you,he would love everything bout you and try to make you better. we ladies should never compromise or limit ourselves for any guy. They aren’t limited in supply ..if he doesn’t treat you the way you like,feel free to walk,someone better is always nearby
    0
  6. YD
    i think its all easier said than done. there are times you just cant summon the strength to deal with some issues.. and its worse because you really love the other person. i for one had go thru the “heartbreak” three times within one relationship before i finally let it go. at that point in my life, there was really nothing anyone could have said to me (my friends tried..boy they sure did!).

    but the awesome part is when you do come out of it, you come out strong! because that is the only option you have.. (you would probably get a little too hardcore for your own good…(in my experience). But dear writer, you are sure on the right path.. FORGIVENESS is key. That was my stepping stone. I also recommend India Arie’s “Heart of the Matter”… listen and thank me later.. :)

    0
  7. Mikeinioluwa
    It is sad how people can just walk into your life, cause trouble and walk out…if you leave the door open. So sorry for you. I’m happy you’ve forgiven him and most importantly, yourself. And that you are moving on. Seriously, some guys aren’t worth it.
    Thanks for sharing your stories.
    0

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