I was talking to my friend about his marriage yesterday, and my feelings went from the anticipation of a testimony of harmony, fun, friendship and love to disappointment and sadness, sadness in my part because I couldn’t believe that these two people I once knew as very much in love, who admired and cherished one…
I was talking to my friend about his marriage yesterday, and my feelings went from the anticipation of a testimony of harmony, fun, friendship and love to disappointment and sadness, sadness in my part because I couldn’t believe that these two people I once knew as very much in love, who admired and cherished one another are locked in frequent fights on very mundane issues, personality clash, threats of divorce, and total lack of disregard, because none of them wants to back down and give up control, or accommodate the other person’s flaws and excesses; which has led my friend into the arms of another woman barely one year into his marriage because according to him, he had to find someone before he’ll go crazy or harm himself in some way (it’s that bad).
I tried to tell him what they were doing to each other, and make him see the issues from another angle and what this means for their future, at least from my little knowledge and understanding but he couldn’t see where I was coming from or relate to what I was trying to say. I don’t know anything about marriage, I know very little about relationships, but one thing I think I’ve come to understand that is common between the couples I know, both married and unmarried, is the lack of a sense of shared destiny. I know that we’ve heard the “find your purpose before you find a partner/spouse” advice too many times that I think it may have lost its potency to the point that, at least the few people I know as couples can’t really say why they’re together except for the fact that they were once or are in love with each other and they make each other happy.
One of the things that help me get over stuffs like disappointment, rejection, a broken relationship, or a mistake, is when I think about my vision and understanding of my life and what I believe I was born for, plus where I think my life is headed. It’s not that I don’t give the feelings of hurt and that initial pang of “oh why me” that hits us when things don’t go our way or we make a mistake its due, I do that, sometimes the hurt feelings lasts longer or less depending on the situation but I don’t let it linger, even though I need special effort and try to be intentional about not letting it linger, because I believe there’s more to my life than what happened or the person that did what he or she did. Now when two people come together and they believe they have found that one person who is with and for them, is that really all there should be about that coming together? I once listened to someone speak about modern economics and how it relates with marriage, and he mentioned that there should be a mission and vision statement in a marriage. According to him, kids should be raised according to the understanding of what the family stands for and where they’re going as a unit.
I kept thinking about this mission and vision issue after I spoke with my friend, I’ve come to understand that corporations only have a mission and vision statement when a group of individuals come together and decides to build something, maybe offer a service or manufacture a product that’ll serve a particular purpose to their target audience or target customer/client, that vision and mission statement serves as a testament of what they’re about and what they want to accomplish, but beneath the words written and recited is a shared understanding and purpose that says – I know why we’ve come together, I believe in what we want to accomplish and where we’re going because I see it, we’ll look for people who see what we see and are committed to making it happen. I won’t make personal demands in the process of building the foundation of the business that may devalue (or derail us from) the mission and vision that brought us together no matter how much money, time, energy, contacts, and intellect I invested in it because I’m guided by our shared purpose and no matter the challenges, failures, mistakes, personality clash that may want to break what we’re about to build, I won’t give up until I’ve exhausted all I think I can put in and given my best to make the business grow into what we envisioned at the beginning.
Another thing I believe that helps businesses grow, at least what I’ve come to know about my directors is that they’re open to unforeseen changes and they’re open to adjusting their plans and schedules to accommodate the change because they know that something else will come up, things always come up, but they stay focused on what they’re looking for and working towards. Is it possible that couples easily give up on themselves and their relationship/marriage because there’s no understanding of a bigger picture or they don’t see it? Will fights and focus on immediate disagreements be easily resolved when two people truly understand why they’re together and the vision for their union/relationship trumps the flaws or personality clash that may come up once in a while? When I say why two people are together, I don’t mean to get married and have children, it’s obvious that marriage isn’t the destination at all but a beginning of doing life with someone to accomplish a shared purpose that may align together as one or are different but similar.
Are couples right when a man or a woman says that his wife or her husband was pretending while they were dating and suddenly showed their true colours after marriage? Is what they saw after marriage as a result of deceit from their partner or did they just marry a human being with many layers and complexities that even the person that owns that life doesn’t or hasn’t fully known himself or herself and what they’re capable of? I once watched an interview of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith and they were asked about their marriage, Will said that to him what keeps him interested in his wife is the fact that he always looks forward to meeting someone new every day, the newness of Jada’s person may not make a daily appearance but he’s fascinated by the fact that he doesn’t live with the same mentality, attitude, character, for a long time. And I think what he said is possible in their marriage because he didn’t put a lid on Jada from the beginning, there’s the opportunity for growth, she has the freedom to evolve, and he seeks it out, and probably demands it.
Won’t it be so beautiful if the people we love and are committed to see where we are, but refuse to let us stay there for long, and this isn’t just in achievement but who we are as people while we in turn do the same for them, there’s so much we don’t know – why don’t we all commit to learning, and if you have someone in your life who is excited about learning how to do this love and life with you, all the better. I saw a quote that somehow sums it up: “we think of marriage as a relationship between two mature people…who love each other and settle into constancy and continuity. And, in fact, those two people are growing and changing all the time…Marriage requires a constant rhythm of adaptation between two people who are changing”. – Mary Catherine Bateson.
So, what do you think?