A few Fridays back, I was on my way to work really early in the morning I got into a bus that I normally wouldn’t enter because it was almost full and also because it was filled with men. Another female entered the bus and in an instant the conductor shut the door and the two men at my sides started to pull at me and forcefully snatched  my bag from me. I was desperately hoping that I’d wake up from this really bad dream but sadly I didn’t, I was being robbed. I was horrified, in the greatest shock of my life. All 7 men in the bus were in on it, 5 men, the driver and the conductor. Everything was taken from me and that was relatively okay until one of them tried to undress me and shit went downhill from there.

I ended up still going to work but the office manager sent me home where I cried for hours, I was exhausted and dehydrated and felt lower than a pile of shit. First thing I did was scrub myself, I scrubbed so hard in an attempt to wash off the horrible experience of 5 random men fondling my breasts. I didn’t have to tell The Lover to come over; he came to the house to take care of me. After an hour of just laying on the couch in his arms, I wanted to have sex. So we did, it was slow and affectionate, it was just what I needed. He didn’t really understand why but I explained afterwards and we went at it again and since he understood where I was coming from it was better the second time around.

I got robbed and molested, so why did I want to have sex? For me, this is how it is, being molested by f*ckin bastards made me feel dirty, I didn’t have a choice, I was hurt, beaten and bruised, I had to succumb to the filthy touch of these men who exerted some form of power over me. I wanted to have sweet slow sex because it would be on my own turf, because I needed something to cancel the violation I had endured. I wanted someone to touch me where I wanted to be touched, because I wanted to be touched, not having to be forcefully touched my sons of bitches. I wanted the great feeling of actually being with someone who I wanted to feel against my bare skin to cancel out SOMEHOW the horrid events from earlier on in the day. I did feel better but I still feel dirty and I still cry about it, way too often since the incident.

The irritating thing about this incident is that it was not the first time a man would coerce/force me into engaging in sexual activities. A few years back I was raped by a man who I considered to be like a father to me and that was the day I knew that I was broken beyond repair. He knew I didn’t want it but he simply didn’t care, I couldn’t fight it because I’d seen his temper and I knew better,  sometimes its best not to fight your assailant, so I laid there as he stuck his hands down my panties. When he was done, he brushed my hair and sent me on my way and till this day, acts like nothing happened. I thought about reporting him times without number but I know that sex is about power and him being a powerful man, he will bury me and bury my family. I really wanted to tell someone but I couldn’t because in this god-forsaken world we live in, my family would be dragged into it and I love my grandfather way too much for him to have to go through the ordeal it would cause.

After this scenario, the dynamics of sex became gravely different for me. I was having sex because I need(ed) so badly to counteract that very act that I didn’t even want to be involved in. I had sex only because I allowed a certain person touch me, not because I didn’t have a choice and was afraid of being ruined even more.

Hi, my name is S and sex for me gives me a voice; I don’t even know if that’s how I’m supposed to describe it. It’s more like… “I’m having sex because I actually want to be touched by this person, not; this scum is touching me despite my obvious opposition to it”. Sex for me is important because it’s me actually engaging in the act because I want to, because I’m allowing the other person touch me and ultimately because I’m willingly. Sex is a beautiful thing, but being touched sexually by someone you disapprove of, someone who doesn’t care that they are violating you is one of the worst feelings in the world and it stays with you forever.

As I said about sex earlier, it’s about power a lot of the time and when I have sex with someone I want to, I don’t feel powerless like I did on those two incidents in my life. I feel powerful knowing that I’m allowing the other party to touch me, I feel powerful knowing that if I say stop, the other party will listen to me and do as I say.

Sex has become more important to me than I ever thought it would. Sex has become for me, an avenue of strength, sex has become for me, a way to help me slowly erase the two most horrific incidents of the last three years. Am I broken? Is this a way for me to rationalize or suppress these bad events in my life? Will I get to a point something will snap? I’ve considered all these questions and their answers and truth is, I don’t know but what I know is, right not this works for me – it may not work for everyone but I thought to share today. Please comment with your thoughts below.

Responses

    1. Tosbabe
      Now let me comment..
      Dear S,
      I am so sorry you had to go through such horrific incidents,especially in the hands of strangers. *hugs*. I think you are handling it the best way that works for you and I am really surprised you haven’t snapped cos I would have long before now but the truth is you are broken and I think using sex is a temporary fix and eventually you might get weary of it and probably end up hating it. I think I am not in the right place to say anything because currently, I am really trying hard to keep my legs closed and practice chastity but talking about it is a good step so hopefully you are on track. I hope you get reasonable suggestions on here.

      Posted from TNC Mobile

      13+
  1. Butterflymind
    *sigh*
    I’m sorry you had to go through sexual molestation. It’s the worst feeling in the world– I think of anything that compares. And contrary to what people like to say about moving on and getting better, I don’t think you ever really get better after that. You just learn to live around it and manage the terror that springs in your chest whenever it happens.
    4+
  2. Twisted
    Wow S.
    I’m sorry about what happened.
    I wont dwell on the apologies cos the Pity party thing just makes it worse.
    Everyone deals with stuff differently. I think you’re dealing with yours the way YOU deem fit.
    Are you broken? *sigh* Time will tell. You may have just built up so many layers of defense you never really give yourself time to know if you’re broken and how best to heal. I understand why after going through stuff like that, you feel the need to have sex on your own terms…to be in some sorta’control. If the lover had declined, you may have felt worse. but I fear that you may soon lose the very essence of the act itself.
    Will you snap? chances are that you will. There’s a reason why its a straw that breaks the camel’s back. It may not be be anytime soon but all it takes will be one incy wincy thing and BAM! …*shrugs*
    I appreciate above everything else that you wrote about it…I see it as a healing process. A step to even want to heal. Talk to someone else. Anyone but the Lover. He might be your best friend, but trust me when I say he’s probably as hurt as you are…in lower degrees or even more!
    A professional, sister, grandma, friend? Anyone.
    I’m no therapist but i hope i’ve been able to help.
    10+
  3. Lipglossmaffia
    S.
    You are an amazing human being. I’m so sorry you went through that. I totally understand what you mean and where you’re coming from. Sex is important to me too in this same logic. I once wrote a collection of short stories centered around sexual abuse and it drained me. I felt digusted that i could conjure up such sick images but i had to do it because i was commissioned to. When the writing was done, i had Le Lover come over and erase my memory. So, yeah, i get you

    You are a fascinating creature, S. #YesHomo

    7+
  4. Kenneth
    You are not broken. When my ex cheated on me and I found out (we were so in tune with each other that I always immediately knew), she wanted to have sex with me to cancel the cheating she did. Told me many women do it.

    I hope the so-called powerful coward gets what he deserves soon.

    You are not broken. I’m glad you can still be intimate with someone, probably means you can heal. No one goes through this world without scars.

    Be healed.

    7+
  5. Kels
    Dear
    I’m so sorry this happened to you, but i couldn’t help but notice this line “i got into a bus that i normally wouldn’t enter because it was almost full and also because it was filled with men.” First off, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. The only persons at fault here are the people who committed the crime. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for it. Every person who has been sexually violated responds differently to the assault – depression, humiliation, shame, fear, confusion, guilt, numbness, anger. All of these emotions however unpleasant, are normal. Turning to sex as a way of regaining your sense of control of your environment is totally okay. It’s your fight to gain back the control that was forcefully taken from you, you alone can choose your weapons. But like twisted said, you may soon lose the essence of the act itself, just be patient with yourself.
    Recovery may not be overnight, it may happen in small steps to and there will be setbacks. Sometimes your emotions may overwhelm you and its okay to let yourself experience them. I’m glad you are able to open up to the lover and put your thoughts on the experience doing. It’s all part of the healing process, you are a strong woman
    3+
  6. Larz
    I would love to say I know how you feel but that will be a lie. I cant begin to imagine how you feel or how I will handle it. I think writing about this is good. I will prbly go as far as say you should try to talk to a professional or close confidant about it (I prbly would prefer the former initially). It would become less of a daunting elephant if you do and more and more like a bug you can easily squash. The more empowered you will become to take actions directly or indirectly. from my impression if you on this blog, you come across as a fighter. You have a strong spirit and if anyone can turn this around, and turn what was once made for evil into something totally amazing, you can. I believe in you.

    I am sure you have loads of ppl around you but if you need a complete stranger to talk to about this or anything else, pls speak to toolsman and I am sure he can provide you with me email address. you have my permission to provide S with my email address if she wants it

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    0
  7. Theá
    I think you’ve done really well. Turning sex into something that makes you feel powerful and in control, when other people had used it to take power away from you.

    It’s been the opposite for me. My first sexual experience was me being molested, in university. Since then, sex has just been awfully weird. Once in a while I’m able to fight the sickly feeling of disgust while it is going on.

    I think I want to adopt your style: remind myself everytime I have sex that, I’m doing this because I want to, that I am in control of it this time around. Maybe I’ll be able to enjoy it more.

    But honestly, I love how you’ve turned it into a tool of strength. Kudos.

    3+
  8. Priscilla Joy
    I wish I could sit with you and hold your hand S but you have my love and my prayers. Like someone pointed out, having sex to erase the memory and feeling of helplessness may just be a temporary fix, you may not like your lover so much when the shock wears off….but I may be wrong. You need to talk to someone, preferably a professional, it does help and be patient with yourself no matter how angry or shitty you feel. Another thing is, should you decide to tell someone other than a professional it has to be someone who has earned the right to hear that part of your story or she/he may make you feel so much worse. You’re feisty, a fighter and you have a strong spirit so I don’t doubt that you’ll pull through, so cry if you must, be angry, be by yourself if that’s what you need but just take it one day at a time. I read something about trauma sometime ago that stuck with me, the author wrote about having interviewed survivors of a traumatic experience and she divided them in two: those who didn’t die and those who came back to life. According to her those who didn’t die lived very tethered to the ground, they couldn’t experience pleasure, they couldn’t trust because when you’re vigilant, anxious and insecure, you can’t lift your head and take off and play and be imaginative, but those who came back to life were those who understood that the life they have is a gift, they then vowed that they will cherish it and make it count. It’s really difficult not to belong to the first group but with mindfulness it can be done. Please don’t allow anyone rob you of your zest for life, it does get better in time. Take care of yourself.#BigHug
    2+
  9. Abi
    I want to hug you right now. I pray you find the healing you need. Most people I know who have been abused/ raped say they try but can’t enjoy sex. You, you have turned it all the way around and I think that, that way, the monsters can not win. The mind is a powerful thing and maybe this is your way of winning and not allowing the monsters to. I don’t have answers but I pray that you find healing.
    2+
  10. Sapphire
    Hi
    I’m so sorry you had to go through all you went through. No one should go through such.
    However, you are using a gift created by God for the wrong reasons. Sex was created by God to be a source of bonding and intimacy in a heterosexual monogamous marriage relationship.
    It wasn’t created to make us feel powerful.
    Its like saying you’ll use a shaving stick to brush your teeth (of course it might take off some of the tartar that has built up) or using toothpaste as shaving cream.
    They might work but they will cause you pain, and the person who created them will have a bleeding heart when he/she sees you using their products for something they weren’t created for.
    So while I lament at what you have gone through, I do not support what you’ve turned sex to.
    6+
  11. Sweetcaramel
    Hello , so sorry about your experience.

    Was molested by my maternal Uncles (2) to be precise and eventually told my mum and she raised the roof. I have forgiven them now but guess what I have never had sex still holding on….fooled around with guys but can’t give my self freely (I’m above 35). Hmmm relationship na ish and I pray and have faith that the man I marry will be more than I ever imagined.

    God will heal us all. Lots of love from me to you.

    Had to choose another name, I can’t shout. :)

    To Toolsman and other writers thanks, you don’t know how we really appreciate you guys on what you do.

    4+
  12. Belle
    Dear S , I’m sorry you have to go through all these, I know it is not easy, but you turned your greatest weakness into your strength? You have won darling! You have won! God bless you!
    0
  13. Seriously...
    *Tight hug*

    For what it is worth…

    Wish I could take the pain away, or stop this from ever happening to you or anyone else for that matter.

    You will be in my prayers.

    1+
  14. vicaro
    Even though i am a guy, reading about sexual assaults always leaves me angry and drained… i envy S. her courage and attitude. i get this feeling that she is strong even when she does not know it… i don’t know any victim personally but from popular literature i gather that most sexual assault victims withdraw into themselves and are averse to sex. S seems to have overcome that part and instead of her snapping at point i think she will only get stronger. talking to a therapist is good but the job of a therapist is to walk you through the healing process which varies from person to person.
    1+
  15. sara
    Dear S! I think I can understand how u feel.
    It’s sad that anyone has to go through that, but what you feel, the power and control sex with ur lover gives you; it’s false.

    It’s false control. That’s because it pushes you to feel that only sex can give u what sex took from you.

    But u have to love yourself enough to know that those two encounters you have had dat u so ardently wish to erase, they can’t away from u what you do not give.

    Dnt give it that power, and then u won’t need sex to get the control and power u talked abt.

    1+
  16. Ray
    Hi S.

    This made me so sad. I’m happy you are still interested in sex and life. I’m happy you didn’t let them win. There’s only so much we girls can do when these monsters violate Us.

    But I think using sex as the way to conquer those memories may only get you to relive those memories every time. Trying to prove a point to yourself might inhibit you from actually enjoying it.

    Be strong, girl. *hugs*

    3+
  17. Ufuomaee
    Hi S,

    I don’t really know what to say, but I’m glad I finally got to around to reading your account. I don’t agree that you are broken beyond repair. You may feel that way now, but don’t believe it. You will heal, and I believe God has already begun the process.

    If you want to talk, I am here if you think you would like to talk to a Christian girl like me :) Just holla at [email protected]

    I hope you feel better for sharing… Have a good day x

    2+
  18. Olushola
    Dear S,
    This is truly sad and I thought to pretend I didn’t read this, but it haunts me. I hope I can successfully communicate my thoughts without sounding wrong.
    Like others have pointed, No, you’re not broken. Yes, you may snap soon, but whether that happens or not, the consolation is that you’re on top of this; you’re handling this fine (at least, the best way you can), and you wrote about it.
    Whatever helps, please, keep doing.
    I’m confident you will be fine, you’re strong and I believe in you. You come off as a strong, confident, outspoken and vibrant woman. Live your life sweetheart, you will be just fine.
    1+
  19. Nelo
    A man raped someone and acted like nothing happened. S, you are scared this man will bury you and family? Forgive him if you can else…..Make him pay dearly.
    0
  20. Yesioh
    S is in many ways like a lot of girls and yes Sex is power. The only thing is submitting to this power or exerting it shouldn’t define you especially when going through something physically and emotionally traumatising . S get a best friend. Find more ways to be happier. Look within yourself for strength. Forgive the rapists, then yourself . Then you’ll find out that you’re truly powerful beyond using sex as power.
    0
  21. Ramatu
    Hi S. You are a strong woman and the fact that you went through these horrible acts and can talk about it is a testament of that strength. I hope you are able to deal with this properly and come out of it stronger.

    I get the need to switch the power. You took back your power. I believe those who hurt you wanted to take your power and knowing that you can control some aspects of sex gives you back that power. I hope you still find that power away from sex but take your time girl.

    You have inspired me more than you know and though I don’t know you, I feel so proud of you. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You are awesome.

    0

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