Why Women Don’t Trust Men When They Say I Like You The Way You Are

Opinion

I once wrote about how I would almost never trust a black woman (read Nigerian woman) with setting me up on a date simply because I have come to realise that for some strange reason, it seems most of our women define beauty/sexiness etc based on their own insecurities. A simple example is the fact…

Share

Share
Text size
+

I once wrote about how I would almost never trust a black woman (read Nigerian woman) with setting me up on a date simply because I have come to realise that for some strange reason, it seems most of our women define beauty/sexiness etc based on their own insecurities. A simple example is the fact that more often than not, an A-cup chic that feels insecure about her boobs would automatically consider a chic with C/D cup when defining what is hot/sexy/beautiful to her. This she would do without paying too much attention to her other features, which, for all you know may be average.

Yes, some will say this is a broad generalisation and of course you can argue that some guys also do it (though I think for guys, it’s more about material things like money, job, cars, assets etc) but that’s not exactly why I’m here today so I won’t dwell on it. I just started with that because I think it forms a background for our topic of discussion today which is the fact that for some strange reason, when it comes to physical appearance, women find it extremely difficult to trust men.

Let’s begin with an example. This post is actually a result of a conversation I recently had with a friend. He came to me to vent (yes – just so you know how frustrated he was). His wife was obsessed with her skin colour and it was driving him nuts. You see, his wife is one of those sexy chocolatey skin coloured beauties who simply glow most of the time – well, that’s me talking. But he totally shares my sentiments and he pretty much told me it was one of the few things that initially attracted her to him when they met. The problem started when she got pregnant and she started getting slightly darker. Every opportunity she had, she made sure to reference the fact that she hated her new skin colour and though her husband repeatedly assured her that he had absolutely no issue with it, she wasn’t buying it. Perhaps she thought he was only saying nice things to her because she was carrying their baby but things got crazy months after she gave birth and her body was gradually returning to its natural colour but she was still obsessed with looking even lighter.

She invested in all sorts of “toning” skin products in her quest to win back her skin while she constantly ignored the voice of her husband who kept on reassuring her that he was perfectly okay with the way she looked. Of course she didn’t listen until things got a bit ugly and became a huge fight and that was when I was invited into the conversation.

Now before you comment, let me also share a similar personal experience. All my life I’ve been about moderation when it comes to my women. Like I’m an ass guy but don’t come at me with your Kim+Khloe sized behind and think we can hit it off. Sure, if it was just for the sex, a one off or something short term, exceptions can be made but for me to have ever dated or even considered having something serious with you, everything had to be moderate (let’s leave my reasons for another day). And so, I’m the B-cup loving dude (maybe occasionally C but you get the idea). There was no surprise when I married a B-cupper but just like many women, wifey turned out to be one of those who has always been insecure about the size of her boobs. No amount of reassurance from me cured this – it was simply a case of – garbage in, garbage out whenever we had the conversation. She was absolutely convinced I was only saying those things because I was married to her and pretty much had no other choice. And then came the baby, which (almost) changed everything. I watched as my beloved B-cups transformed into these ginormous things I couldn’t recognise and my wife was having the time of her life. Finally she got to live her dream of having bigger boobs without going under the knife and I could see the look of satisfaction in her eyes everyday as she stood in front of the mirror.

In this particular instance, I won’t say she was disregarding my feelings because it was pretty much something she couldn’t control and as a result, I decided to give her the moment and let her enjoy it while it lasted. As much as I hated that period because it almost felt like a stranger was living in my house, I tried my best not to let it show. But that’s me and that came about as a result of something out of our control. In my friend’s case, it was totally different, as his wife could have simply trusted him.

During our conversation, my friend made a statement, which I had to caution him on. He said “Who is she even looking nice for – am I not her husband, once she’s good enough for me, who else matters.” Many men, especially those married or in serious long-term relationships, think this way and I think it’s unfair and selfish. Yes, she’s with you and you should be able to influence her physical appearance based on what you like but it shouldn’t be only about you. Self-confidence is one of the greatest qualities anyone can have and though it may sound vain, for some this only comes when they absolutely feel like they’re looking like a box of 100 million.

I think the key thing here is trust. We know women have always and will always be more particular about their physical appearance than men and anything related to the body can easily lead to insecurity. As a result, it’s definitely going to be harder to get any woman to trust you as a guy when you say, look, I love your natural hair or can you please not fix your nails for a while, I just love your natural finger nails or please don’t lose weight babe, I think this is the perfect size for you (I know all women will want this guy).

Am I right or am I right? It’s time to read from you. To the women reading, let us know if and why you don’t trust us when we say we like you just how you are. To the men, can you relate? Please share your stories and lets talk in the comment section.

Responses

  1. Funmi
    Many women think it’s bullshit because the words and actions often don’t match up. Guy A says he likes women natural but is constantly ogling babes with 36 inch weave and a full face of makeup. Guy B says he likes everything in moderation but is aggressively liking all the IG pics of very voluptuous video girls. The women in these situations are not blind. If guys say one thing and do something else, then yahhh ovcos there’ll be suspicion and mistrust.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Ok tiger. You’re first. Here’s a glass of something something. 🍹. You sound like you need it too.

      Now to your comment. Like I mentioned in the post, context is key. The same kind of women I wanted to sleep with as a bachelor weren’t necessarily the exact same ones I considered when thinking long term relationships like marriage. Who voluptuousness don epp in time of crisis?

      Posted from TNC Mobile

      1. Funmi
        This topic isn’t about commitment, it’s about attraction. Voluptuosness cannot come to the rescue in times of crisis, but that is not what is being questioned. Women can know you love them and are committed to them but still feel insecure if a man’s behaviour suggests he finds a different look physically attractive. Doesn’t mean the whole relationship is being questioned – just taste, and that is enough to make women doubt the sincerity of your “you look great, babe”.
        1. thetoolsman Post author
          haha.. you see how men and women dont think alike? How can you totally separate attraction from commitment especially in long term relationships (I keep mentioning this because there’s a huge difference). This almost comes down to that logic vs emotion argument. because I love small cars eg mini cooper doesnt mean I cant admire an S-Class? Heck, in my mind I could be thinking up ways the guys at Mini can learn a thing or two from the the design but at the end of the day, i still want my Mini because I cant start “big” cars.

          ok, maybe thats analogy is way too simplified but I’m sure you understand where Im coming from. The long and short of it is that if you dont trust my position on the very thing that formed the foundation of us being together (attraction is mostly physical), then how can you say you’re not questioning the whole relationship?

          1. Ronin
            Did you just compare a woman to a car?
            A car couldn’t care less if you liked other cars, because IT HAS NO FEELINGS.
            Do you still in his age think of women as mere properties???

            /just trolling.

            Or am I?

          2. thetoolsman Post author
            haha… Surely you’re trolling…
            I was only looking for a simpler way of explaining myself to Funmi and I even admitted that it was probably way too simplified…
      2. Academia Macadamia
        Funny isn’t it how when women give a straight-up logical answer with no cream in it, men immediately accuse us of being emotional or “needing a drink or a pill”. YOU, trash, are why women distrust men.

        Pussy is a seller’s market and always will be. The sooner women toss men unilaterally in the trash and close our legs forever, the sooner your come to Jesus moment will arrive. I hope at that hour we hurl your kind off a cliff.

        Males are absolute trash. Rubbish, vomit, feces… TRASH.

  2. Theá
    Truuuuueee I agree with Funmi. You can’t tell me you like one thing and be busy getting awed at another. My man says he loves my short natural hair, but I see how his eyes glow when he sees the longer, more volumous ones. It’s why despite all his reassurances, I still fuss.

    Also, we have grown used to men saying anything at all, and over-praising our average features, just to make us feel like we are a million dollars, so they can smash and walk away. Meanwhile they don’t mean a word. I’m not saying our serious boyfriends are looking to hit and run, but can you blame us for suddenly getting defensive when we hear “No, your boobs are not small, they are perfect”?

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Sigh.. So you know your serious boyfriends wont hit and run, why not try trusting them a little and see what difference it makes? Plus I think your excuse for being defensive is tired. We’ve heard that too many times. We really need you guys to help us out here…
      1. Theá
        But the fact that you’ve heard it over and over doesn’t mean it is not true.

        Anyway, if you want her to feel secure about her insecurities that you actually find appealing, rather than tell her you like it, show her. Everyday. In little things.

        Another thing I will say is, sometimes the insecurities are not about you. They are about her. SHE doesn’t like it…you don’t factor in the equation at all. Let her work towards what SHE likes, and support her either way: whether the changes are towards her preference or towards yours. The only time you should be against all the fussing she might be making is when you realize it might actually be harming her.

        1. thetoolsman Post author
          This is why we are here.. Tell us more about these little things you speak of.

          And as mention to , I totally understand when it’s about her – we all have these things we are particular about. But a valid question here again is where does your partner’s input come in? If we only limit it to when something might be harming her then some men may end up with total strangers a few years into their relationship. There has to be a way to balance things. So maybe you agree to her losing weight because she’s always wanted to be a size 6 but how can she chop off her hair and become a naturalista without taking your preferences into account?

  3. Ramatu
    I am a plum girl. I like it and my man says he likes it. I am worried about that extra skin that becomes a love handle or the flabby skin I don’t like. When he says he is okay with all that, it really doesn’t mean much because I am not okay with it. Seeing that extra skin riles me and it has nothing to do with trusting him. It just means I have insecurities that I need to work on. Sometimes, it is just about me dealing with them, regardless of how much he likes the way I am.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Sometimes. And thats understandable which is why I asked guys to also try to understand this. I’m more concerned about those other times when it’s really not about you and it’s just about what your friends or what the media has made you believe…
  4. Fabreke
    Most times it’s just about the insecurities the woman has always battled with not about the man so yeah he’s with me but those insecurities I have to get over myself no matter how supportive he is. The support helps and sometimes the woman is able to get over those insecurities with that but it takes time and she may never get over it. Men say nice things to women especially when they love them, women are used to hearing these nice words so it’s hard separating it from the usual when your man says it even though you feel it may be different…it’s a subconscious thing for a woman so she needs to get to that place where she loves herself like that. Every woman has insecurities about her looks. We have been programmed to believe we should look a certain way and it’s a battle a woman fights constantly. I’m finicky about my tummy. Always thinking it isn’t flat enough no matter what anyone says…
  5. Theá
    Tula, I don’t have all the answers, but I just have a few things to say:

    1. You love her for her, abi? Not what she looks like per se, but more for her character and personality and how that makes what you both have together stand strong. Like you said, “who voluptuousness don epp in time of crisis?” So I’m assuming that no matter how she changes physically, you’re still going to know who she really is, and love that her. So she most likely won’t turn into a TOTAL stranger to you, despite physical changes.

    2. If she really loves you, she will definitely factor your opinion in her decisions. It is just the way of love. She might not act on your opinion 100% but there will be a percentage in there. You like average B cup boobs so you like hers. But she thinks they are too small, and she wants them to be bigger. So she buffs them up; but I’m sure if she had her way she still won’t buff them up to a double D or a Z. C is fine. C is a compromise between what she wants and what you want. Lol I don’t know if my analogy makes sense to you. So really, never fear about her disregarding your opinion completely and becoming someone else.

    3. Regarding the little things, how about complimenting her daily (and randomly) on those features you like so much? Don’t wait for her to ask about them before you say something. And please don’t be too glaringly obvious that you’re trying to make her swollen headed 😂. Buy her items that compliment those features too. Stuff like that. You get my drift?

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      1. “So I’m assuming that no matter how she changes physically, you’re still going to know who she really is” — haha.. it will shock you. Not with all the various affordable body enhancing lotions and co available out there nowadays… And lets not deceive ourselves, character and personality are great but looks plays a huge part in physical attraction.
      2. Don’t we just wish all women are this considerate?
      3. Still farfetched. The friend I mentioned in my post does this very well – I’ve even seen it myself. I’m also a good example.. How far did it get us?
      1. Theá
        1. Lol so are you saying that if (God forbid) she was in an explosion and her body is now burnt all over, you’re going to stop being attracted to her? She’s a total stranger now, physically, right?

        2. I may be projecting, but for me, that’s how I think. That’s my level of consideration. Your woman might be like that too. If not, well …

        3. Maybe you could find our what kinds of actions and words are complimentary to her, and use them. For me, I like random compliments and accentuating attires, its why I suggested that. Do some deep research like an undercover agent, find what works for your woman, and use it.

        Lol honestly ehn, there are some things in life you just can’t fix 100%, and have to live with. Do your best and leave the rest.

        1. thetoolsman Post author
          1. Totally different situation. You dont want to be labelled as the devil.
          2. Well she is – thankfully. Ive been talking generally though seeing as Im more concerned about my brothers you know 🙂
          3. Again, Ive got this covered – yes to random compliments but like you concluded, guess you can’t win them all…
  6. Od
    What makes it selfish and unfair? Ask women who they go to all those lengths for. I’m sure that a few will tell you it’s for themselves, but listen for when they start complaining like Funmi explained here that their men are looking at other women. Women play dress-up for their men.

    As for why they don’t believe us, you said it: insecurity. My ex was an extremely beautiful girl and she had these beautiful natural eyebrows. The day she started to shape them I was very confused. I told her that she didn’t need to do anything to them and she said something like not everyone has my natural eyebrows. I wondered what she saw when she looked in a mirror.

    One of the things I hope to find in the woman I marry is contentment, at least as much with herself as with anything else. I’d rather she doesn’t spend valuable time and energy fussing over what she thinks she should look like and recognize that she is the most beautiful woman in the world (well, except for our daughters 😀 ) for me and that should be enough for her.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      A ha.. knew the day would come where I’d absolutely agree with one of your comments. On the first point, maybe I was being a bit diplomatic but Im glad you called women out. Let’s see what they have to say…
    2. D.K
      My ex would say ‘oh, you are so beautiful’ but i noticed how most of the women he crushed on are very tall plus i was the only short woman he ever dated. So…

      See ehn, it’s not like me I’m not satisfied with how i look but there are days i wish the boobs were bigger, the butt bigger, and the hair frontline fuller. Yes, i am content o but if only wishes were horses…😍

      1. Od
        Lol.

        This is one of those times that I kind of have this private chuckle with myself. You wish you could have something else but you are content. Lmao.

        It reminds me of the time that someone said that it was an insult to call her a slut because she slept around.

        It’s like words don’t mean anything anymore. Anything you say can be offensive even if it is totally factual. So, don’t use words like they mean something, twist it around instead and swear it means something else. Lol.

        Nne, you just described yourself as discontent ni nau, that’s what all this my grammar is about. You are not content fa. You want bigger boobs, bigger ass, fuller hair frontline nau. Lol.

        I spent a long time in my life wanting to be taller, then I spent another few years wanting a deeper voice and then another few years wanting a full beard. I don’t think at any point I could have honestly called myself content either. I wanted what I did not have. That is not contentment.

        Contentment is gratitude that you have what you need and that what you need is all the best you could wish for. It’s actually the fruit of wisdom. It is an understanding that God gave you exactly what was suited to you. If you get that “more” you want, are you certain that it will not make you actually “less” than you were before? A deeper voice means that I probably won’t be a counter-tenor anymore and I’ve loved being able to sing like I do since I was a child. If I was taller, honestly don’t know if I would be the me I am now. This height is part of the definition of me. If I had a full beard, the same.

        Contentment is not a feeling. It is a choice to believe that God is right in his apportioning of gifts.

        As for your ex, but for God and all other systems of control invented to entreat the male human to curb his sexual appetite, men are randy, polygamous beasts. It is not the fruit of wisdom to expect any man – except some greater force rules him – to be sexually satisfied with all your sexual gifts. Men will cheat on you with girls who are less interesting and less endowed than you just because they want variety. Friend of mine told me last year that he was craving dark-skinned chicks at that time. He didn’t want fair girls anymore. I personally know that roving eye intimately. I never cared to have a type. Sometimes when I was horny, I could give a crap if you were cross-eyed. Types were for rep. But who cares about rep in the dark when you’re horny as a guy?

        It is God’s good hand that made me a man who can be satisfied with one woman’s love, not any freak of nature. So, that your ex used to look elsewhere meant exactly nothing. He wasn’t looking for someone or something better, he was just following his male instincts (which some people seem to believe that women share) to bed everything that walked.

        1. D.K
          Lol. Moti gbo. Okay, I hear you but I’m grateful i have what i need . Hey , you have a baby! A big congratulations to you!
          1. LarZ
            Mr Toolman- e don do now. That was how you codedly got married and casually slipped it into a conversation. I thought surely he will invite us to come eat suya and sharwaema for baby naming.

            Anyhoo, congratulations to you and your missus. How old is toolsbaby?

          2. thetoolsman Post author
            hahaha… But I didn’t do it codedly now. It’s cause you’re not active on social media like that jo. But there’s always suya available. Toolsbaby is almost a year old 🙂
    3. Angeliq
      I do believe you are right.
      Say I’m single, I would dress up for me, that’s why it would be hard to catch me in something I’m not comfortable in, just because I want to look good.
      it’s much the same when I’m with someone although I tend to go a little extra when I know it would please him and if he says I look good in a particular way, or there’s something bout me he loves just the way it is; I absolutely believe him except I ever catch him in a lie, then I would keep second guessing everything he said.
      I must say i am an exceptionally contented person, I was raised that way though.
    4. Kad
      Can’t believe I have to contend with you cos I only have strength for one comment and not your reply.
      So you said she shouldn’t waste time on what she thinks she should look like. I’m not sure if that’s possible because we always have what we want to look like for going down the road, market, party and at different points of our lives so that I “know” that I’m beautiful doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try an upgrade when I can
  7. Fille
    Well, as a result of several experiences, I’ve stopped trusting guys when they say they love something about me as it is. E.g when I dated as a virgin, one of my BFs then told me he loved my decision and whenever I told him I had fears he’d cheat or suddenly breakup with me from no-sex frustrations, he kept reassuring me that it would never happen and he was so sweet about it. Lo and behold, I found out Mr BF was fucking one of my high-school friends. This is just one of a lot of experiences. But this isn’t to say I’ve not met guys that were actually honest.

    Anyway, I’ve learnt to love myself and be confident with my body and my decisions. It’s anybody ‘s business what they think.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Thanks for the comment. Just like I said to Funmi, we need to draw a line between short term “let’s see how it goes” kinda relationships and long term/engaged/definitely heading to the altar relationships. Im not saying your example couldnt have been for the latter but it’s more common with the former…
  8. Andronicus
    Something from himself!

    Yes I can relate though I’m not married. I love women best in the morning when they have no makeup.
    I love natural hair or short hair like Lola OJ’s.

    Try assuring many women that. They may eventually agree with you but that does not mean acceptance.
    I love big butts (they trump boobs) but I love boobs too but I’m rather ‘spec-less’. If I’m attracted to you it doesn’t matter whether you are fat, chubby, thick, slim, lepa, light-skinned or dark. So it’s difficult trying to assure many women that I like them as they are so I let them do what they want. It is tricky and I agree, deep down many will think I’m just saying it to end the discussion.

  9. Snow
    This is one we guys cannoot win no matter what we say or do. Our (men and especially, women) perception of beauty is often influenced by our personal experience and society’s perception (of which i’m sadly a member). And a key feature of society’s perception is the almost subconscious need to disregard/undermine one perspective of beauty just to uphold another, and this is also often a catalyst in whatever insecuritie our women feel.

    I mean, i should be allowed to say i’m not physically attracted to fat/thick/plump (whatever synonym rocks your boat) girls without making it seem like they’re not good or beautiful because they are.

    We men are to blame because the general populace have somehow trickled it down to a “Versus” status, a competition. Like in order to love and be attracted to one, we have to be prejudiced against another. As i say wrong.

    Personally, i like my women slim, neither really a boobs or ass guy, as long as you can keep a very flat tummy. Skin color doesn’t faze me, if you like be as fair as imperial gold or as dark as celestial bronze, it’s all tye same to me.
    Just be slim and have a flat tummy and i’m already 35% attracted to you.

    We all have our preferences but we ahould he able to have those preferences without being prejudiced.

    Just because i love my girl slim doesn’t mean i wouldn’t appreciate or stare at a lady with a nicely shaped big ass. I just appreciate them. And just because i appreciate them doesn’t mean i would want them on my woman.

    As for why women never believe us, in my years of flattery, i have come to realize that simply saying “i like you just the way you are” isnt enough. You got to let them know why you like them just the way they are. Even Bruno mars didnt just say that line throughout the song, he wnet on to pick out specific aspects of her beauty and praise/worship them (the eyes, smile, lips, hair and co.)
    So it’s not enough to say those words, make her see what you’re really seeing when you look at her; A GODDESS. And just because you like her doesn’t make her a goddess, you got to tell her what really makes her that. Is it the way her dimples are shaped like whirlpools when she smiles? Of the way her eyes light up when she’a excited? Is it the way the sun gives her skin a certain glow like she was washed in ichor?
    Guys, you gotta do more.

    Beauty is the summation of parts such that none of them need to be altered, added to removed. This means that you can find beauty in anything if you know how to look.

    Just dont tell her you like her as she is and expect her to be okay. Pick her apart and praise each individual parts that make her a whole. And if she in someway changes, keep looking for that beauty and make sure she knows it

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Ahn ahn.. Oshey bahddest.. This reads more like a Nosa comment and not Snow.

      “Just because i love my girl slim doesn’t mean i wouldn’t appreciate or stare at a lady with a nicely shaped big ass. I just appreciate them. And just because i appreciate them doesn’t mean i would want them on my woman.”

      I really like this line.

      As for the last bit of your comment.. let me just say been there, done that. And I’ll not refer you back to where you started by admitting this is one we probably cannot win. But thanks for the comment tho.. Im sure some guys will learn new tricks from it.

    2. Cavey
      🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
      I couldn’t have put it this good!
      And that last bit: “beauty is the summation…” First time I heard it in the movie ‘Next’, I knew it was THE TRUTH!
      Tell ’em!
    3. Od
      Let me get this straight: it’s men’s fault because the GENERAL POPULATION made it a versus thing?! How on earth is it men’s fault then? Kai! As for the whole “pick her apart” thing, I want to be contrary. In fact, I must be: “beauty is vain and charm is deceptive”, so… Ok, to be honest, it’s not bad. Lol. It’s good to “see” your woman and let her see that you do. But believe me, it doesn’t cure women who can’t control their need to be the sexiest, hottest of the pack. When you’re done with her eyes, she’ll ask you if they’re finer than somebody else’s. Lol. Sha, good luck with all these truths that come from pop culture. 🙂
      1. Snow
        Since you choose to misunderstand that statement, let me simplify it for you then.

        WE MEN ARE TO BLAME BECAUSE MAJORITY OF US……

        Posted from TNC Mobile

        1. Od
          C’mon, man, you know I didn’t choose anything. You were the one who said “general populace”. But, ok, I accept the correction. I’m not sure you’re right though. But I’m probably not all that qualified to talk about that since I was never really the type of guy that argued or discussed conquests and taste in women. Like I said, never was a “type” kind of guy. But I think that after all the grammar and posing, guys will hump anything when they’re horny. And we tend to be rather stubborn about what we like, so there’s a chance the versus thing doesn’t come from us. I think it comes from women. They are the ones who are forever competing so that they can feel secure that their man will never stray. At least, as far as I know.
  10. Cavey
    I think, it all balls down to trust; she has to trust that you value her enough to not fluff her up with empty compliments and respect her enough to tell her the truth ALL the time. That way, she should not have a problem believing you. But also, the guy, sometimes has to compromise and understand when this insecurities rear their head because most of the time, they are ‘self-imposed’. What I mean is, if she thinks she’s fat or too dark or whatnot, it’s not always because you’re looking at skinny/light skinned girls. So reassure her she’s still perfect for you but help her till she’s comfortable with herself again.
    Example: after a long holiday, my ex thought she was fat (she’d gained weight but she wasn’t fat!) and I told her but she was still beautiful and sexy to me (plus the extra flesh made her bum even softer 😍). Anyways she was on a mission to not be ‘fat’ again 😪 so I helped. We went jogging together every morning, hit the gym 3 times a week and reduced on junk (translation: when she ordered, I ate it 😬) till she shed the new weight and kept her new bum. So while assuring her you don’t love her any less, help her overcome her insecurity and she’d be assured of your love even more.
  11. vanilla
    Oh well, i say Funmi has said the main reason why we hardly believe the compliments.

    However, it makes sense that a man can look at a lady that is all shades of kim k but still think your A or B cup and average butt as super cool too! How do i know? Well, I like guys that are slim, light skinned and tall but my bf is not all of the above and when a slim, tall guy passes, i still go “damn, that’s hot”.

    At the end of the day, we like what we like but love who we love, that is the way i see it.

  12. Abi
    Hmmm it’s not like we do not trust the men in our lives about these things. Infact we do, and even though we might rant a million times, it goes a long way when he randomly complements those insecure features we want to hide. You should hear us talk to our frds after bae says these beautiful things. WE LOVE IT lol

    Another advise for men is to complement these things when we are not necessarily fixed on them; randomly. honestly it is more Believeable!

    Insecurity is a huge thing. There are things I do not like about my own body but I have learnt to just accept them ( & yes, I might still rant and I can’t tell you why we do this). And there are features that boosts a girl’s confidence that when they start to change it becomes such big deal as you have NEVER seen yourself that way before (traumatizing lol).

    While a woman loves to look good for her man, she most definetly has to look good for her own self and that’s why some people change things about themselves because they are not satisfied or they can’t accept whom they are physically. Insecurity has different levels of depths

    I dunno why we are that way but I hope the men in our lives can be more patient with us, throw us those complements not only when those things bug us but also randomly and help us to the part of accepting ourselves just the way we should

      1. Abi
        lol! nope! that was not the point. Now, I am not sure if the post was coming from a place to understand females with no prejudice, or to add one more reason to why “women are weird”. I initially thought it was the former.

        I don’t wanna go back and forth tho lol. it’s all good 🙂

        1. thetoolsman Post author
          Dont run away.. Come back here…
          I was only joking though but after all the comments yesterday, I was glad to see someone else suggesting this could just be how women are wired. It definitely wasn’t the point of the post though…
  13. H.B
    Nice post, u are mostly right.

    ok, Bae comes today and insults girls with flat ass, then admires girls with big ass, tricky part is my ass is proportionate to my waistline and small frame, u cant call me flat neither will you go oohlala unless im wearing bodiconed bodycon..then my choir director will tell me to change cloth(true story)..i am safe..till i lose weight and subsequently some bum, and then i start feeling insecure and wanting to get ass back so bae will not suddenly be unattracted..very complicated something..so when he says, baby u are okay, i dont believe, he is just patronising, this i know, i dont even want to be okay, i want him to oogle and swallow spit when i turn..so well..his assurances are nothing, i just know better..

    He calls girls that higlight and contour everyday pretty, but says he hates make up, maybe he is just confused, i dont buy it, so i also stay moderate, pack on my face when necessary, to show that me too i can look like beyonce, then i do my natural to show well, i can be like ada ada..on my ada ada days he will tell me i look tired and rihanna days,, he says he hates make up, that, i look beautiful just the way i am…who is he kidding

    some days, boobs just start taking steroids and i see the way he gets excited, like a child with extra cndy, how can he come and tell me i am okay when it goes back to normal, i want to be like candy everyday..

    MEN! u peepu are confused! But generally, i just do me..if i am insecure about something, nothing shall u say, i will squat it out, oestrogen it out, smoothen it out, cos I take pride in looking in the mirror and saying, damn baby u hawt! no, im not a narcissist..

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      If men are confused, I wonder what women are… Again, like I’ve said over and over here, context is key and it’s important to understand just how the male mind works. already addressed most of these things in his comment above. You can’t have your cake and eat it.. you want you man to oogle and swallow saliva from looking at you, yet you refuse to listen to him.. He can oogle Rihanna all he wants but realistically, will he ever gain access to her? Hell no. He already has you and he knows you’re no Rihanna.. what turns him on about you might just be your simplicity and in the process of ignoring him and running with stereotypes you might end up missing out on something great…
  14. Myrcella
    You need to understand that a woman’s insecurities have nothing to do with you, regardless of how long you’ve been together. Her comfortability with herself and her looks supersede how she feels about your appreciation.

    It’s actually a MORE insecure woman that NEEDS a man to assure her she’s beautiful, cos y’all are forever spitting game, saying what you think we want to hear.

    So if your wife wanted big boobs, notice that she never wanted them for your* admiration, she already got you, and she will still be happy with them, regardless of whether you like small boobs or not.

    1. thetoolsman
      Her comfortability with herself and her looks supersede how she feels about your appreciation…
      Lets not make this just about the appreciation. Question is, as your partner, where does my input come in if it’s all about your comfortability? Especially if you did not share all your insecurities with me before committing to a long term relationship. This only means, I’ve decided to accept you the way you are – if you now up and change without considering me all in the name of satisfying you, then why am I there?
      1. Myrcella
        Frankly, the best you can do is to constantly reinforce your attraction to the things she wants to change about herself.

        And frame it as a positive thing about her. Remove yourself from the equation, cos it’s really not about you. At all. It’s about her accepting herself as she is.

  15. Butterflymind
    I DO NOT trust compliments from men. Period.
    And not just because sometimes they say stuff to make you feel good about yourself– which isn’t a terrible thing… it shows he cares about your feelings. But I have a great difficulty believing what men say because if I don’t feel good about myself, then nothing you say will make me feel good.
    And dressing up isn’t primarily for you — even though your liking it is a bonus; looking good is primarily for me because I like to feel comfortable in what I wear and my own skin.
    I’d take a compliment from a woman any day over a man’s, simply because women are more forward with what they think about your appearance than men are.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Camman.. can we all get real? All this talk about looking good is just about you. Can you sincerely tell me that the last time you went shopping the thought of “This dress is going to kill them dead” or “I can imagine the look in his eyes when he sees me in this” or something along those lines didnt cross your mind…

      Yes, I agree that one should first of all strive to be comfortable by themselves but again.. lets be real…

      As for trusting women’s compliments over men.. good luck with that. I know how many times I’ve watched my female friends/cousins compliment some chic right infront of me and then turn around to diss the living hell out of her. At least, Im almost 100% sure most guys dont do that…

      1. Myrcella
        “I can imagine the look in his eyes when he sees me in this”
        Haha you know nothing Jon Snow. Multiple women would tell you this:
        We. Don’t. Dress. For. You.

        And I don’t mean this in a gung-ho-womenist-she-power way, but in that we’re not checking for you, we already have you, besides you wouldn’t even appreciate the slay that our matte lipstick is serving, like other women would.

          1. Myrcella
            Yeah. True.
            Also, big boobs are not everything their cracked up to be.

            Case in point-

        1. Andronicus
          shall not ruin big boobs for me
          shall not ruin big boobs for me
          shall not ruin big boobs for me
          shall not ruin big boobs for me

          Repeat till fade….

      2. Butterflymind
        No, I don’t think any of those things when I go shopping. All I think is, this dress makes my legs look longer. Or this makes my skin glow.
        I cannot speak for the rest of the female population, but I speak for myself. I’m not particularly interested in a man telling me my eyes are the most attractive thing about me– I know my eyes expressive. And I don’t need to be told I have a great body– I know it’s okay, not great.
        If I have to rely on people’s opinion every time i dare to do something real nice for myself then i will be walking mass of insecurity, which I’m not.

        So, sure i won’t dispute the fact that there are people who do that– who buy clothes because it’ll make their man gaga. But I’m not that person. I haven’t been that person. If i become that person my opinion will change.

        1. Abi
          I have had a similar conversation with a group of girls and I was shocked that they truly believed that every women thinks about looking better than the other woman ( all competition to be the best in the room) when they go shopping. This was about 2 years ago and that was the first time I heard something like that ( little wonder why we are not friends).

          Butterflymind, I think some women go shopping for other people, not themselves. But some of us don’t, when I go shopping I am thinking of myself, and if the outfit will look good on me, or go well with the occasion or location or season. It might be a different case when I am going out FOR bae or potential bae, then I will def have him in mind. Some men may think too much of themselves and truly believe the number one reason we want to look good is for them. lol. abeg please!

      3. Chiebuka
        Honestly, I’ve never bought a dress and thought “This dress is going to kill them dead”.

        Have I thought “Oh this is going to accentuate my legs? Or eyes? Or butt?”

        Too many times too count. Who else?

  16. Buchi
    I think, if y’all don’t want inane ‘you’re okay’ comments, don’t ask us all the time what we think or like. You know, repetitively. Sometimes, we give some half assed, no thought, no effort replies just to get you off our backs.
    Of course you won’t believe us then. We don’t even believe ourselves at that moment.
  17. Victoria
    Really nice post. Good points have been raised by Od and others. Yes women are generally more insecure than men, that’s the truth. But I still want to agree with Snow and say one of the ways to help your woman is to give her well placed compliments sincerely and frequently. Let it be a soulful believable mantra that when she looks in the mirror and that voice says: you’re too dark she will hear your husky voice saying: I love your chocolatey skin. They say fake it till you make it. I say say it till she believes it. Another thing I would like to add is share your own insecurities with her. Toolsman said we all have some so you can tell her how you want a bigger chest or whatever it is you would like to change. Chances are she would tell you that you’re being ridiculous and she may also realize that her obsessing over her body is ridiculous as well. If however she’s doing something for health reasons such as losing weight then please do what Cavey did. Yeah you might not win totally on it but you’ll definitely make some headway.
  18. Seriously...
    I actually took the last 24 hours to think the post and the question posed and this is what I came up with. Forgive me for drawing on intimate. mushy details from the nine years of being with the same man, eight of those in marriage. My body has been through two successful pregnancies and I am currently in the middle of a third.

    I was a late bloomer and never really felt beautiful until a couple of years before I met my husband. If you asked me, there is nothing really special about me.

    But I know my husband thinks I am beautiful, even without him saying.

    I regularly catch him checking me out, even on the days when I did not feel I put in too much effort.

    I have never caught him checking out other women, even though we both know that neither or us is blind or turned to stone. He respects me and my feelings enough not to admire other women openly.

    Sometimes, when I am “getting ready”, Hubbs outlines (Song of Solomon style) all the things he loves about my body. Sometimes, he actually asks me to get naked so he can just look at me (Ladies I know). And he does not move to have sex afterwards. Oddly enough, he did it just this morning and went on about my body like Adam must have gone on about Eve.

    Because my hubby thinks I am beautiful, I have started to believe I am beautiful when I look in the mirror. I have started to see what he sees. Hear his voice and approval. The dude has spoilt me for any other guy to be honest.

    Guys, there are many voices in the head of a woman telling her what beautiful should look like. What the ideal woman should be. So when she stands in front of the mirror, what she sees is not necessarily what you think she should. Each woman is an individual, with her own personal tastes, preferences, etc. At the same time, each woman is a social being, meaning that there are also other voices and influences working on her. Every human being tries to balance the the tensions within and without.

    What I will say is if you want your voice and opinion to drown out any doubts and insecurities, you need to really love everything about your wife’s body, including the changes. You might not say it all the time, but she will see it in your eyes and the other things you do. Your woman needs to be The Woman for you. That includes no other woman’s beauty making you stare, at least when she is around. If you really want to go crazy, you can commit to not staring even when she is not around (I know, just heard that myself).

    Hope this helps.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Hmm.. interesting comment – really sweet and Im glad we have more parents on this site – I need to make a note to find out just how many of us there are.
      As for your comment, Im really happy this worked out for you – clearly in your husband, you have a really special guy and one I’m sure many women would love to have. That being said, it’s important to note that we are all different in many ways. Just as you’ve put down your husband not admiring other women in your presence to respect, some will call that hypocrisy. Personally, I think nothing should be hidden between a married couple. If I’m going to look when you’re not there, they I should be able to look when you are but the respect comes in the why/how and also the level of understanding between husband and wife. This is a whole new topic on its own and this comment wont do it justice so I’ll take my time to put a post together and explain better.
      1. Seriously...
        Hmm… interesting perspective. One person’s respect is another person’s hypocrisy. And you are right, what we have is pretty special. Will definitely be looking forward to that post.
  19. LarZ
    Most women tend to focus on their imperfection more than men do. This is why you see a woman who is 80% qualified for promotion hold back from putting herself forward whilst men 60% (some 40% self) will go for it.

    Word to the men: Men should understand this and let this frame their way of dealing with their wives. I say the key is to be specific. I never pay attention to men who tell me I am beautiful but if you told me you loved my eyes, hair, hips, personality then feel like that is a compliment just for me. Like Seriously’s story, take notes from Seriously’s story and Nosa’s advice.

    To women:
    Most men arent the most expressive of people. I am sure a lot of us has experienced of heard, well I married / I am with you aren’t I when all we need is reassurance that they think we are attractive. I think sometime, we need to be clearer in our communication with them.

    I pride myself on being quite confident in my natural self. Most people have mistaken me for a teenager and all the women in my life (mother, sister, MIL) gave up on trying to doll me up (make up/ brazillian etc). I usually only indulge minimally for very special occassions (weddings etc, once or twice a year). And that was one of things my hubby liked about me.
    That was until I got pregnant! Try as I may, I didnt feel beautiful at all. I didnt even have acne or stuff like that. I felt like I needed make up/ something to distract from my big stomach lolz. I went from getting ready for work in 30 mins to spending an hr/ so to get ready. My husband couldnt take it anymore and called me out on it. I am pretty sure if I wasnt visibly pregnant, he would suspect I was trying to impress a guy at work. I told him the truth and he was understanding of it. I think it is important that we should cultivate a relationship with our SO that we aim to tell each other the truth (even when it hurts). I never had to doubt my husband when he tells me what he likes about me becuz he will be the first to tell me something is off. And when he does, I can decide to listen to him or stick with what I want and that too should be ok in a relationship. To a certain degree….

    I want to leave this scenario for ppl to ponder. If a man sees and chooses to marry a dark slim A cup woman and commits to being with her- lets forget personality etc and imagine everyone involved is superficial. He tells her he loves this and that her physical attributes are the main reason he marries her. If this woman (say she looks like Lupita) and decided to transform to Amber Rose lookalike (the skin whitening, arse and boobs implant, lips plumped, full works basically). Should the guy be blamed for ending the relationship? I appreciate that I am painting a very extreme and unlikely view here, but sometimes that is sometimes what we ask of men

      1. Larz
        For a very long time, I have always prided myself as a numbers person. I have always just accepted that writing & other creative stuff just arent really my forte. Having someone like you (an editor/ professional blogger) urging me to write is very flattering. It makes me wonder if I made a mistake in my assesssment of me.

        So here is what I propose, I will write on a couple of articles (for your eyes only), if you promise to edit and help polish it. Once we are both happy with final output, it can br published.

        What do you think . Does that sound fair enough? If it does. You have my email address. Email me and I will send you some stuff to review.

  20. Ufuomaee
    You’re right on the money

    But I think part of the problem is the magazines which present a specific type of woman who all men seem to droll over, and so we women think – this is what is beautiful, and this is what I should strive for! So, we will second guess any man who says we’re perfect the way we are for them, when we know we don’t look like the girl in the magazine. And sometimes, men contradict themselves… they will say you look great as you are and it’s what they want, but when they come across a video vixen look-alike, everyone can see how they oogle and make comments of admiration. So it’s like they settled for you because they couldn’t get that!

    Anyhow, in my experience, I’ve been comfortable with my body until I got pregnant. Even after, I was not too bothered, because I believed I would loose it in time, but I’m still much meatier than I would like. The problem is my tummy. But my hubby says it’s all good and it doesn’t bother him, so pressure is off, and I can just be comfortable in my skin. I also believe him, because he also has a big tummy, which he would prefer to loose, and I think it’s just fine. I’m not bothered, he’s not bothered…we’re good. But if I lost my tummy, I would definitely feel sexier, but I don’t need any reason to be vain! So, we’re still good 🙂

    Thanks for sharing… I intended for my comment to be short.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      You know I don’t mind long comments – all about expression. One thing stood out for me in your comment >

      “And sometimes, men contradict themselves… they will say you look great as you are and it’s what they want, but when they come across a video vixen look-alike, everyone can see how they oogle and make comments of admiration. ”

      Many have said this here and I think it’s is important to understand how many think – unlike women, we are not very emotional about things. We compartmentalise things and make on the spot judgements. So what comes across as contradiction to you because the common factor is a woman is in fact two very different scenarios for an average guy. To him, one might be a woman he only wants to have sex with while the other is one he sees himself spending the rest of his life with. Two very different things.

      1. Ufuomaee
        Hi

        Thanks for getting back to me. However, your response shows that you don’t truly understand women or what is important to us.

        Funmi’s response to you on the matter was very apt: “Women can know you love them and are committed to them but still feel insecure if a man’s behaviour suggests he finds a different look physically attractive. Doesn’t mean the whole relationship is being questioned – just taste, and that is enough to make women doubt the sincerity of your “you look great, babe”.”

        We want to be your everything, the one that makes you excited sexually, as well as the one that makes you weak at the knees, and makes you happy! We are not content to be just the one, and know that we are lacking in our ability to excite your sexually. So, fine, have your compartments, but don’t say our insecurities regarding our bodies are unjustified when you show that you prefer a different kind of body sexually.

        Cheers, Ufuoma

        1. Thetoolsman
          Erm. I had to check again to be sure but I don’t think I’ve said anywhere here or on the post that your insecurities are not justified. If anything, I encouraged other men to understand those insecurities. The bone of contention here is trusting us with those insecurities and how you relate with us on them. Let’s agree both sexes don’t understand each other or have a lot to learn and that will not happen anytime soon but till then, can we strike a balance?
          1. Ufuomaee
            Yes, we may not fully see things from the other sex’s perspective, yet I applaud your effort in the post.

            While you mentioned some reasons why women won’t take men seriously, this was one that I felt was overlooked…which was why I brought it up in my comment. It wasn’t to say that you are saying we are unjustified or irrational to be untrusting when our men appreciate our bodies, but to say that actions speak louder the words. And this contradiction, which is often propagated through the media, makes it harder for a woman to take a man at his word.

            Thanks for the post 🙂

  21. Uche
    My personal experience:

    1. The ex was a master at generic compliments and also had a degree in contradicting himself.
    One minute; you look so good waking up in my bed, next minute: why don’t you put on make up? You could look like so and so…

    He would compliment you and compliment 6 other females in the exact same words. I stopped feeling special. It became a waste to compliment me.

    This is usually my experience. I am a plain Jane: Natural hair, no make up, androgynous clothing. (Unfortunately), I inherited my mother’s family’s big butts and my dad’s family’s big boobs, so I tend to easily believe people who tell me I’m beautiful actually mean “I’d like to smash that”. Especially because I have spent a lot of my male friendships trying to convince guys that I don’t want to have sex with them. It has become an uncomfortable past time. Also because I have gotten used to “why don’t you use make up?” “why don’t you wear more tight fitting clothes?” and so on.

    On my own, I am fine. In my own world, I am fine, I love my face the most when I am just waking up. I obsess about my body because I like the idea of a perfect body and I don’t want to grow beyond a particular size. But when it comes to dealing with compliments from strangers, it’s a whole kettle of fish. I’m more used to criticism (including my mum, where I work, my ex, etc) so when you tell me otherwise, I think you want something else. But thats just me sha. bye

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Thanks for the comment and it’s true that we all will have our personal experiences with compliments – it’s rather unfortunate that so far, most of yours have been somewhat negative or deceptive but I dont think you should become cynical about it. It will be super difficult but you have to strike a balance because someday you will meet someone who will be sincere with their compliments and if you’re cynical about it, you might just end up scaring them away.
  22. somebody
    a sister has been trying to sign up like forever, just downloaded the TNC app and haven’t been able to sign up, it keeps saying “can’t connect to your Internet connection” what should I do?
  23. Dickson
    My GF believes she has a big tummy.
    Before she ask me “how is ur day; she would touch her tummy and look at me and ask “my tummy is big, right?
    Once, I got tired of answering this question, I pulled my shirt (I wear 15; 34) and gave her to wear.
    She wore it on top of the clothes she had on. it looked big on her. I said, “with ur stature, if ur tummy was big, the buttons would be stressed”
    Since then, she occasionally hints at it and I would gently whisper “not today, pls”.
    I have concluded insecurities are realities we might have to manage in our relationships….no cure for it, at least not yet.
  24. B
    Now, for me, I won’t say I don’t believe it when I’m told I am liked the way i am. But once I recognize something as a flaw (or maybe not flaw per se) , I can’t get over it. Like I complain about my boobs and ass being small and I’m told they are perfect. Lol. It makes me laugh. I’ve accepted now though.
  25. Nedoux
    Hi ,

    I crumpled in a giggly heap “B-cupper” I love cleverly made up words.

    Ah, I somewhat hold Kim-K and all the other real life prototype of a perfectly sculpted female body accountable for this distrust in women.

    Pop culture now defines these human hourglasses as the standard for the ideal body, and some women end up measuring themselves using the Kim-K et al yardstick.

    Still, it all comes down to self-validation, one who accepts what/how they are will be content in the knowledge that they are enough, just as they are. 🙂

    Well-written piece, as always!

  26. somebody
    thanks, I have successfully registered a new username. But I can’t comment on the app, can only reply to comments. Sorry for the disturbance.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

+