I was sitting at home on a wonderful Thursday afternoon, bored out of my mind. I needed inspiration to write so naturally, I set up a Tinder account in search of bants. The things I do for TNC…

For the uninitiated, Tinder is a dating app. It pulls information from your Facebook account to make a profile, and it uses your location to recommend singles in your area. You can also set how far or near you want the search radius to be. This could be handy if you want to outsource your Yoruba demonhood (put like 50 kilometres) or if you need a cuddy buddy nearby (max 1-3 kilometres). Whatever needs you have, Tinder’s gatchu. Once I set up a profile and told my online Cupid what I needed, I was good to go.

Discovery settings        Profile

The way Tinder works is that it presents you with cards on the app’s homepage, almost like a stack of polaroid pics. You then swipe left or tap the red cross if you’re not interested, following which Tinder proceeds to stamp “NOPE” on the guy’s pic in big red caps. (Ouch! Luckily, the people you reject don’t know sha.) Alternatively, if you like what you see, you swipe right or tap the green heart and wait for the person to respond. If they also like you, you can start chatting.

And so the experiment began. My main aim was to test if Tinder men were as pervy as I had been told. My methods were:

  • to collect a rough sample by swiping right on every sixth guy – no matter what they looked like
  • to have different tactics for messaging the guys who matched with me and compare reactions

Full disclosure: I didn’t follow method A to the letter because there were some profiles that just caught my eye. I still got a rough sample of guys from different backgrounds and races sha. Ended up having conversations with only white and black guys though I liked quite a few Asian guys’ pics. Only very few matched with me, and even then, they didn’t start a chat.

Back to my experiment… Now, you may wonder what my “tactics” were. I had four main approaches:

Being polite

                                 Glen polite 1                                        Obidike polite 1

                           N – White guy, Works in a hotel, 40                          E – Black guy, Student, 28                                                            

This group was mainly for me to send very neutral, polite messages and see if things escalated. Most went ok, but the convo was usually dead. I have to say though, most of the polite chats were actually started by guys. The guys who messaged me first (once we matched) were all polite – hellos, good mornings and how are yous. The white guy went a bit flirty and I humoured him but that was it.

                                              Glen polite 2                       Glen flirty 1

                                                                 N trying to see if I was about that swirl life!

The other four guys who were all black kept it pretty PG. One Zimbabwean brother was particularly memorable.

                                              Darlington polite 2                     Darlington polite 1

                                                                    D – Black guy, 34 (E say “gazed” LMAO)

Being “friendly”

Picked two gym rats for this one. Both were shirtless, 19 packs – the whole nine yards – so it was easy to be a bit forward. L wrote something encouraging girls to say hi if they’re interested and he’ll take it from there, hence my opening line.

 

   Joel flirty 1Joel flirty 2 (2)Joel flirty 3Joel flirty 4

L – Black guy, Martial Arts Enthusiast, 28

L also dropped his number. Considering he was willing to journey across The Great Divide to South East London, this was the most successful tactic BY FAR. R on the other hand…

arjun ela

R – White guy, CEO of Fitness company, 30

Ela of life. Maybe he fainted?

Being cheesy

Tried cheesy conversation starters with two guys. One had an interesting name so I asked where it was from. He replied and I followed up to ask what it means and dude disappeared. I’m sure he thought I was sent from his village to interrupt his destiny. People were out to get laid and I was there dissecting his name. I imagine this is how he felt:

FrankOdega gerrarahere

The other guy wrote something about being able to read minds in his profile so I messaged him saying “Read my mind ;)” Crickets till this day.

Saying “Hey 🙂

This is the kiss of death. 4 out of 6 guys didn’t respond to the hello plus smiley approach. Whether it’s the lack of imagination that goes into simply saying hello or the quest for better banter, if you adopt this tactic, diaris no road.

**Honorary mention

Hands down, this goes out to one F, who didn’t message me first but went from zero to 100 REAL QUICK. Ironically, he was one of the two guys who responded to “Hey :)”. I’ll give him a 10/10 for banter.

Fernando 1 (2)         Fernando 4 (2)   
Fernando 6 (2)   Fernando 7   
Fernando 8Fernando 9   Fernando 10   Fernando 11

F – Self-employed, 36 (Yes, I stopped responding once I had enough bants for this post. No, I did not take up his offer for “an oral sex”. I know. I’m terrible.)

Conclusions?

So, following this complex experiment, here are my findings:

If you want to prosper on Tinder, use a sexy pic

As you can see from my Osuofia outfit in the profile pic, my markate was not well displayed. The pic was taken on a cold day, please don’t judge me. My point is ALL the matches I had on Tinder were from men whose pics I first swiped right. NO ONE swiped right on me first during the roughly 24 hours I had my account open. Since the pic is the only info people have to go on before swiping, it’s safe to blame the pic for this. The less sexy your pic, the more often you’ll have to make the first move.

If you want to prosper on Tinder, be a bad bitch

Ain’t no hello/hi up in here, bih! People are here to nack! Act accordingly.

Tinder guys come out to play at night

The really flirty conversations took off at night. Even when I sent suggestive messages earlier in the day, the guys seemed to take the bait and get into the conversation as the night went on. This could be because they waited to get off work or were just hornier at night. Who knows?

Tinder guys want you to make the first move

Of the 23 matches I had, I messaged 11 guys first and 7 didn’t talk at all because I didn’t message them first. Only 5 guys started a chat – and 4 of them were black. If you wanna be starting something on Tinder, ladies, start the chat.

Tinder guys are surprisingly well-behaved

Didn’t get as much filth as I expected, and black guys were particularly pleasant (maybe even a bit boring?). There’s the obvious brutality of simply not responding if you’re not about that life which could be seen as rude. Still, on the whole, out of the ones who did respond only one conversation became overtly sexual (Oshey F!). Again, I might have to redo this experiment with my markate displayed but one night is enough, biko.

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There you have it, boys and girls of TNC! A detailed report of a Yoruba girl’s adventures on Tinder. Feel free to extrapolate lessons from this brief research to the wider dating pool. They may or may not be relevant.

Responses

  1. Snow
    YES, FUNMI. THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!😭😭😭😭😭

    I would love to see a guy also conduct an experiment of such, Tola or Toolsman perhaps?

    I can imagine what the response would be though. Almost.

    I think the only popular dating app i never tried was OKCupid and Tagged.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

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    1. Larz
      You are volunteering a married man to go toast women online. What did toolsman do to you that you wanna kill him?

      Toolsman: you need to buy palmie or schnapps to take beg this guy before he kill you finish

      5+
  2. K. Rukia
    Omg! Lol I love this one Funmi, nicely done!

    My Tinder experience has been similar – totally with you on the “hey :)” being the kiss of death.

    Some extra tips for Tinder success:

    6. Filter out the fuckboys fast: You know them when you see the licking or biting of the lips and the wrinkling of the forehead, or the raising of the shirt to show off the abs. Or the squinting of the eyes. Swipe left fast and keep it moving – unless you do want a fuckboy

    7. Smile: Niggas love smiling bitches, especially if it’s a natural, unguarded smile. Laughing is even better

    8. Know what you want and use your profile blurb to get it: If you’re on Tinder for knacks, say so. If you’re there for a serious thing, say precisely that. This way you’re more likely to attract like minds and filter out those whose priorities do not align. Don’t waste your time unnecessarily

    9. Read the profile blurbs: Similar to 8, use people’s profiles to get a sense of whether starting a convo would be a waste of your time. Personally I only consider people who give a damn enough to write something in their profile. The uber lazy ‘ask me and you’ll find out’ doesn’t count. Also if he can’t spell, you might want to swipe left.

    10. Be as interesting as you’d like them to be: Use icebreakers. It’s very easy for a chat to die at “Hello, how are you” “I’m good, and you?”
    Be imaginative – ask about something you saw in one of their photos or in their profile. Make a joke. Anything but ‘hey :)’

    Happy Tindering!

    4+
    1. Snow
      Thank you, Kuchiki for No. 10

      Be as interesting as you want them to be.
      That’s one of the reasons i lose interest after a fee rounds of convo, girls be expecting you to carry everything on your shoulder. Do I fuckin look like Atlas?
      The least you can do is make the convo interesting, make me want to keep talking to you

      Posted from TNC Mobile

      5+
      1. woyi_oc
        ” girls be expecting you to carry everything on your shoulder. Do I fuckin look like Atlas?”

        I know this feeling well..!

        3+
    2. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      Yes girl. Your points are on point. The profile thing is also true – that’s part of what made me ignore my “every 6th guy” rule. Some were hilarious. One guy basically said girls who don’t want to talk should fuck off. It was like he came to Tinder to fight. He didn’t match me though. My cleavage was absent from the pic so I understand.
      0
  3. SeryxMe
    Loool! Funmi, this your research work should earn you PhD on TNC. Nice work. Let’s hope F doesn’t find you… For all our sakes. Lol! We want more research. 😁

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    1+
  4. MissC
    Lol, pretty interesting Funmi . I’m however not that adventurous. Not sure I’ve been on a dating site before. I think I’d give it a try.
    0
    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      I think you should go for it. I have never been against online dating at all, because I really don’t think it’s any different from meeting strangers in person and striking up conversations. Just cos he came up to you at an event and not through some app doesn’t mean he’s not a serial killer. With some protective measures like setting up initial meetings in public places, I think online dating can make sense. I know someone in a serious 2 years+ relationship from meeting a guy online. Also, we sort of lowkey do it through Twitter so I think you might as well take the plunge. Let us know how it goes!
      2+
  5. Temmie_i
    Nice post Funmi. Quite enlightening, Lol. Btw I just downloaded the TNC App and I really like it. Well done .
    0
  6. thetoolsman
    “black guys were particularly pleasant (maybe even a bit boring?)” But you know why some of us are called Yoruba demons… Slowly creep up on you… But then again, could have been down to your profile picture… You looked way tooooo take home to mama…
    2+
      1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
        LOL. It was part of the experiment though. Using a pretty mundane pic and seeing if the Tinder pervs came out to play all the same. I heard they were constantly on heat but it turned out to be less intense.
        0
    1. Funmi Ogunlusi Post author
      LOL awww I don’t think they were demons, especially not the Zimbabwean guy who was captivated by my smile loooooool.

      As for pics, you are 100% spot on. I wanted to compare setting up an account with a profile pic containing much less clothing but I couldn’t be bothered to take the experiment to the next level. Even just the fact that no one matched with me first proved the point about the pic.

      0
      1. Princewill
        Ummmm I use a BlackBerry Q10 and I downloaded it from BlackBerry world… after the 1st login, it keeps giving me this error message. “Trouble login in, logout and try logining in back”
        0
  7. Olushola
    Hmmmm, I’m definitely a Lastma Official. An app for knacking? Wow. How do I not know these things??
    Now I just love Tech.
    BTW, Funmi, thanks for the tutorials.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    0
  8. Debloww
    Lmaoooooo…

    Love this!

    And yes I agree with Tula. Black guys don’t go for the kill at the beginning. They gotta slowly enter like a worm, get you to fall in love/lust/whatever and then destroy your life. Animals.

    I’m speaking from other people’s experiences please.

    12+
  9. Uche
    I don’t even have full pictures of myself. Never snagged a guy off the Web successfully, I’m certain my tinder experience will be DOA. Who knows where I can get great dreads done at a good price in Lagos?
    1+
  10. Femme
    I was on tinder ooo, who sent me there? I don’ t know but i downloaded it and started chatting!

    What i found out from Tinder is this;

    1. Male 1, he kept bragging about achievement ooo, went for dinner (way shorter than i thought) and he wanted to come up to my house and when i asked why, he was very clear about banging. in this Nigeria oooo, i thought people were subtle about these things in Naija. Maybe he is imported.

    2.Male 2, Ah, this one was gentle. He was a nice guy but every convo was full of the woes he has suffered and how it can only get better; Polygamous home, single mum……i indulged him but seeing i am not a ‘father figure’ i let him off easy…slowly…gently .

    3. Male 3, Oga Engineer + biker!. This one was crazy! He was up for anything. He was nice and gentle when i wanted him to be and he was crazy when i needed it. He will send me pictures when he travels, adventures and girls he has banged or is banging etc. After all this, he will still come and try to bang me lol! I never succumbed and we good friend now.

    4. Male 4, The married ones. The ‘flies to the shit bunch’ they are sooooooooooo many there. Any where they can hunt anoymously, you will find them.

    5. Male 5, Old ones! Next!

    6. Male 6, The invisible ones. They are supposed to be fit and the likes, keep very interesting convo. but when you ask to meet up for movies or something, they go blank! I just imagine them, to be some 300kg obese male hiding behind the picture of a fit person or anything to convice me to blank them..

    7. Male 7, This one straight up asked me ‘are you game’? I did not need anyone to tell me he was not talking about tennis. these type are the ones who have heard tinder is full of runs/prostitutes/palyers and ‘gamers’!!

    8. Female 1, i don’t why know i added 2 females while there seeing it was a dating app. well, one turned out okay but the other must have bn blind to sex or gay.

    Don’t stay online for too long with anyone, especially somewhere like tinder. Move to meeting them physically cos online no be reality and tinder …lets just say is the WWW of online.

    2+
  11. Elaine
    Loooooool! Funmi! Why didn’t you tease him back now? And he was begging you oh!
    That was fun! Please do it again with your ‘markate’ fully open! Lol.
    0

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